You're fucking mad!

There is so much in my head I can't seem to get a grasp on what to do next.  I can't spew everything out on social media cus it's way too much and some folks don't need to see my negative shit showing on their news feed if they don't want to so this is my therapy.  This is my dumping ground.  You have been warned.

My whole life I have tried.  I have tried to better myself in every way I could.  Every demanding, yet, "do what you want" advice from the monster has been done or considered.  If not done to her satisfaction then I didn't listen or she is disappointed in my choices.  There's never any relief from the judgement.  

My favorite thing she does to me, and this has been life long, is to get me excited about something she is going to give me or help me do then in a few hours or days she comes back with 

"Well, I've been thinking and I don't know if....blah blah blah." 

 

She gives it, enjoys the excitement she's given me, then takes it away.  I call this the roller coaster ride.  Why?  Because I get the same WOOO! feeling followed by the nausea afterwards.

The most recent and the catalyst for my new bloggy blog here is the last couple months she's offered to put a downpayment on a house for me and Tank.  She said that she is miserable up in Salem, NH without having me closer.  So in order for her to be happier and confident that I'll be okay when she dies, yes death is a preferred topic of choice on every occasion including Christmas, she wants to get me something I've always wanted and be comfortable financially.

Wow, what an offer right?  So amazing my loving parents would put such an offer on the table with no strings attached.  This is the best moment ever.  How could I ever thank them?  39 years and I still haven't learned.  Wait, maybe I have since the WOOO! feeling hadn't truly shown up.  

In the middle of house searching, Tanks baby mama, the newest monster in my life, jumps in to fuck things up yet again with her bullshit issues.  What now you may ask?  She wants to dump her son on us.  He's gotten too hard to deal with or so she claims.  The true reason?  Her youngest daughter, from an affair she had 7 years ago, is her cash cow.  She makes the most money off this kid and the father offered to get her a house down south so he can be closer to his daughter.  

Nice right?  Well, come next year, Tanks middle daughter will be graduating high school and the only kid left is the son.  She'd have to wait 2 more years to get rid of him and that's just not fast enough.  What is she to do?  Be a mother?  Hell no!  Dump his ass to get what she wants.  Fuck the kids, right?

Yea, this fucked me royally as my lovely monster refused to help since she can't be sure we can afford a new place with a child to boot.  Enter stress and depression!

Now about 2 weeks ago, the monster decided that she understood we didn't have a choice in this decision since it was either take the son or allow him to go into state custody.  Yea, bm of the year right?  For those confused, bm is baby mama not bowel movement, though they are similar.

Monster was going to find places that she deemed we could afford with or without a kid.  I was so relieved I started to cry while on the phone and driving. I don't cry often around her or anyone for that matter.  To be uncomfortable crying in front of your own mother is kind of shitty in my opinion, but that's a defense mechanism I've learned over the years.  Anyone can cry in front of me and I non-judgingly (yes, I made up a word) comfort, but if I cry in front of her or anyone I feel weak and judged.   That's another blog for another day.

Fast forward to last week.  I was on the phone with the monster and informed her that we are taking the son once school sets up transportation.  She went wild and started angrily fast talking about everything connected to Tank.  Now she demands his car be given back to the dealer before June or she is not helping us.  Awesome.

I asked for her help as Tank was on board to get rid of his car, she states she needs to back away for awhile and to get his families help.  That he needs to figure this out.  Okay, so you demand something but refuse to help?  Got it.

Last night, I text her a link to a place that is under her price for homes.  I get an email back saying: 

"That has been on the list forever 

I am not sure if I heard right - Did you say he is living with you right now?"

Umm, yea, told you that 2 weeks ago.  See the game playing here?  Oh wait, it gets better.  After I answer her, I get this heartwarming response:

"WOW dad and I are heartbroken

that was not an emergency - it could of waited till the school season started

I told you we would look for a home you could afford - but - with the both of you not with kids

If you could handle it then you could make a move with his son

again Tanks car has been an issue for years - no movement on his part, eventually you will need a vehicle - remember you don't even have a car payment - what is going to happen then?? - all this needs to be a part of our decision - we are retired and cannot take a chance with our finances - we keep wanting to help you BUT what the hell are you doing?  what is tank doing on his end - he has a motorcycle (needs parts, insurance, gas - tell him to sell it), a car he can't afford, buys new tires for a car he is supposed to be getting rid of and now his son - it could of waited until you got settled.

Next year we will see where you are at - if you need our help on making financial decisions preparing for the future let us know - even though you are not listening to us FINANCIALLY - you are listening to tank who has no clue about money - yes, show this to tank because it is the truth.

We are not mad at all - but very disappointed for you

love mom and dad xoxo

Again we are not mad!"

OH, oh so many many things to say in response.  This legit could become a novel.  Heartbroken? Fine, be heartbroken.  I've had my heart broken by you too many times to count!  No it was not an emergency, but since bm was fucking shady due to her own selfish bullshit we're stuck.  We can handle it financially with his son, but OH NO she's feels we can't so I guess she's right. Isn't she always? 

Tanks car?  Yea it's fucking stupid payment wise, but no one is helping us figure out how to get rid of it and get something less expensive so we're fucked again!  Nothing we can do.  

Tires?  Is he supposed to die then?  Cus they were bald and hazardous, but who cares!?  She doesn't.  

The bike?  That's not going anywhere so not even gonna comment.

He can't handle money? So what do you call keeping bills and rent paid when I was out of work for 8 months a few years back?  Damn he's shitty right?  Fucking low life son of a bitch.  

And if you have to say you're not mad more than once, YOU'RE FUCKING MAD.

I'm at a point where I'm about to give up.  I've been trying everything I can to get us in a better place and to keep myself positive, but I feel like I'm in a losing battle.  Between bm bitch who can't handle being an actual mother to monster dangling shit in front of me like a fucking carrot, I'm about to break.

I will rally.  I know this about myself.  Sometimes the break happens and I come back pissed off and I fuck shit up for the ones who broke me.  I can be one sadistic bitch.  If you don't know this about me you're lucky.  If you do, sorry not sorry since you clearly deserved it.  But some are about to know.  I'm not sure when or how, but it's coming for you.  

I need people who are on my side in my life.  I need close friends back, I need some sort of idea on how to get back on that path to success.  I just need love, friendship, and more life.  I need something.  I'll just be lost until I find it.

The purge

The monsters birthday was this past Saturday.  

No cake, no dinner, just wanted me to take her to Chunky's to see The Purge 2.  Fine.

We go, but it seemed weird.  I know she has aggravated me, big surprise, but we sit and watch the movie.  She's happy and all is quiet in the realm.

Except during the ride home.

We get in a small argument about Tank and how she does not like him.  I bring to her attention that she was the one who wanted him to get past their argument LAST YEAR and he did as she asked.  So now she can't get over it?  She stutters and eventually admits that no she can't and she never will.  She throws my dad into it saying he only puts up with Tank because of me....yea....what she doesn't realize is that my dad likes Tank and pretends not to around her.  

That same evening after dropping her grudge holding ass off, Tank and I head over to our friend Scoops house.  He and his wife, whom I will call Frog,  had dealt with a pretty hard situation earlier, which I will not go into here since it is not my place to talk about.  

While talking with Frog my cell phone starts to blow up....friends asking me if I had heard from anyone...

No, but now I'm worried...

I find out that a friend had decided to take her own life that morning.  

I still can't seem to find the words.  

The only thing I do know is that she was one of those people who would make time for anyone, listen when needed, help always, and smiled at everyone.  She was a beautiful soul, a delicate flower both in name and spirit.

Saying she will be missed is an understatement.  There is a hole that will be left.  

The monster went away to Foxwoods Sunday night, she called when she returned Monday afternoon.  She asked how my weekend was and I told her it was pretty rough, she then replies:

"Oh I know what you mean!  I had the weirdest encounter checking out.  Guess who was standing right next to me?  Jello!  He gave me such a big and long hug."

She continued and described the meeting in more detail than I cared to know.  After about 5 minutes she says, "So why was yours rough?"

My answer...."A friend of mine killed herself."

Silence.

Stumbling of words.

Then finally an "Oh."

Yea OH!  I could give a flying shit that you hugged my ex-husband.  You talk about him so god damn much why don't you see if you can adopt him!!  It's complete bullshit!  It's been 4-5 years since my divorce...Get The Fuck Over It!

She emailed me today saying she was "thinking of me."  yay.

I figured I would let her in on some positive news and told her that plus size model London Andrews had hired me to assist with fan emails.  I am basically a part time assistant.  She was happy, but really sounded like she had no clue what the hell I was talking about.  

I hung up with her and the next thing I know I'm getting an email from her saying how it's a bad idea to work for her and I shouldn't get involved.  

Why?

"She's a p--n star!  gross."

"No actually she's not and even if she was she's not anymore and wants me to get rid of any emails/requests regarding that."

"So what are they a fan of then??"

"Her modeling!!! Christ, I talk to photographers for her as well...some of the same places that (insert specific friend here) shoots for!"

"No comment.  Keep this one to yourself."

I'm gonna strangle a bitch.  

I'm so fed up with her shit I'm choking on it!

Why is everything I do criticized?  

She also loves to talk about the single men she knows that are my age or the men that have lots of money and are young and buying a house.  Good for them! In case you missed the TANK of a man I have...I'm good!

There has got to be a law that states once your parents start to become insane you can force them on meds!

Bitch needs a shrink and I think I may need one myself!  

I'm starting to the The Purge is a pretty good idea....

All Aboard....The Crazy Train!

Hi.
Yea I know it's been forever.  I'm not going to make an excuse cus the truth is I didn't feel like writing.
Not for lack of material of course, cus alot has been going on. 

The big news is that I'm going back to school!  As of June 23, I will be a college student majoring in Forensic Psychology.  
Whoa, yea, I know, but it's something I've always been interested in.  I like peeking into the crazy criminal mind and figuring out what makes it tick.
I'm ridiculously excited!
My man, Tank, is my cheerleader as well as my wonderful friends. I can do this!  My goal is getting my Masters at some point.

On other fronts, in a few months I may be a stepmother.  Tanks kids (there are 3) don't want to move back to Alabama with their mother.  They moved there about 3 years ago and just came back last summer, now she wants to move back.  Neither Tank, nor I, want them to leave and they don't want to go.
So, we may get all 3, 2, or 1.  Kinda taking it as it comes. 
I love those kids.
I look forward to being a step-mom legally one day.  Already planning on taking the eldest one to her first concert.

Plus, they love me, they really really love me!

Yea, yea, I know, but it's so nice to hear!  Especially from kids who have been through so much in their young lives.  

Ok, enough about me, you want Monster.  I know you do.  You can't fool me.

She has been odd.  Sliding back into her norm, but more odd as of late.
So her and Tank got into a fight last year, not sure if I mentioned it, but she wanted to get past it.  He eventually let it go, but lo and behold, she has not, even though she states she has.  SHE LIES.

She is acting the same way with Tank as she did with Jello before we were married.  She thinks I can do better and that we will never have anything.  Same old song and dance.
It's frustrating and the more I hear it the more I try to distance myself from her.

Now in the same breathe as her geriatric ravings, she wants to plan a night away in Boston for her and I, also a mother/daughter trip to New Orleans.  

Are you fucking kidding me??
In what world is it okay to down my man, who is wonderful to me and has fixed my heart beyond what I could have imagined, and then think I want to go on vacation with you?

To quote "my person" who I will call....Whitetrash Kardashian, If my monster could marry me herself, she would. 
Scary, but pretty close to the truth.
She is the type of person where no one is good enough.  You could be Prince William, but she would find something wrong with you and it's always financial with her!

She likes to throw things at me that could be quite painful if I actually cared.
Her favorite thing is to wave her money at me, like, "OH, we would have bought you a house if you weren't with 'him'" or "If you still lived here, we were going to build you a 3 season porch off of your back door."

Seriously?  Does it make you happy to act like such a douche? Is there a brain tumor making you act like an ass or is this normal behavior?

Such is my lot in life to have a crazy ass monster.  Oh well, Tank and I are on the same page and want the same things.

We will reach our dreams, with or without her help.

The Great Escape!

Hello Folks!

Long time no see...
Well I don't have to mention that I have been a busy girl the last few months.
Between my relationship with Tank, my relationship with the monster and vi, and my living situation....I'm all over the place.

Let's start with Tank.
Things are progressing nicely.  We have been together almost 9 months and are officially moving in together. We will be moving to Woburn!  House warming party details will be sent to my nearest and dearest.

Now to every one's favorite couple
The reason I am moving is because of issues between the Monster, Vi, and Tank.
Both parents have had a huge tree branch stuck up their asses since they first realized I was dating Tank.  Apparently their major issue was that I didn't discuss this with them.  Yea...really.  So I'm supposed to get their approval for whom I date?  LMAO....OH I DO NOT THINK SO.
So the stress and fighting continued through the months until we arrive to a fateful night in April.  The monster calls me upstairs and proceeds to argue with me and get in my face about how I revolve my life around the men I date.  I do? Really?  OK so that opens up a Pandora's box of bullshit I had stored away just for this perfect time.  I bring up how she never went to jello's families house during the holidays because the Vi doesn't like to go out and only wants to have dinner that the monster has cooked.
I mention how she refused to have friends because she has admitted that the Vi spoils everything and makes people uncomfortable.  I bring up how she refuses to go out during at night, even with me, because she has to be home to make the Vi dinner.  It went on and on.
She never heard me.  She continued on her rant....stating how that in order to be a strong woman I need money behind me...etc, etc.
Well, long story short, Tank heard everything.  Even the bad mouthing she did about him.
He wanted to get involved, but out of respect for me he did not.
She found out he over heard and was pissed off.  She asked him to come over that following Friday to "work things out".

Friday.
Tank showed up.  Sat at their table.  Monster says this conversation will only take 10 minutes max.

Monster: "I want you to admit you are leeching off my daughter."
Yea.  Way to start a conversation.
The argument progresses to an all out war.  Monster trying to get financial information from him, Tank telling her it's none of her business, Vi threatening to throw him off the porch, and the one sentence that rocks the cave "Yea? You and what army?"
Oh Tank....
The argument ends...Monster tells Tank to go downstairs.
The next day, Tank goes over to clear the air.  They sit down and by the end of it they are laughing and are back to normal.
I get home and head up for my normal, all be it pain in the ass, night with Monster.  She informs me that Tank had started swearing at them the night of the fight.  He was out of control.  Jekyll and Hyde.  You have no idea who he is, but he showed me exactly who he is.

Dear god I should get some kind of award or reward for how calm I stayed.  Stone faced doesn't even begin to explain.  I said to her that I'm sure everyone was swearing.  Well, that was it.  She believes I took his side with that one comment.  Take a side? I wasn't even there to know the truth...but holy shit in her mind that doesn't matter.  "We are your Parents!"
Yea?  Well I'm your daughter and your treat me like a 5 year old living in a mental home with no grounds pass or medication to pass the time.

The monster then requested to go downstairs.  We went.  It's now me, her, and Tank.  The monster looked at me and said "I want you to admit this whole issue we have with Tank is because of you."
Huh? What?  Did I hear her correctly?
My fault?  I'm sorry but the last time I checked I wasn't the bat-shit crazy one.
Bring on another battle.  This one last about 2 hours.  At the end I was so exhausted I just said "Fine, it's alllllll my fault.  I did eeeeeeverything wrong."

"You mean that?"  Monster said
"Yea. Sure."
"OK, Tank you can move in tonight."
She stood up and walked back upstairs.

What in the hell just happened?

So everything was fine after that. 2 weeks later the folks went away to Reno.  They come back a week later and surprise surprise the Monster is acting cold, distant, and very strange.
Comes to find out she says she is now afraid of Tank.
She claims that during the argument he threatened them with saying You and what army.
In the land that I am from, that's not a threat, it's a wise ass comment.
She then proceeds to give me the option of having him only be allowed to be in the house when I'm home.  So basically what we were doing before he moved in.  I said no.
That option then became a demand.  We moved to square 1 yet again.

So, this has been my life over the past 9 months or so.  Tank and I decided to move back to his old apartment.  Monster was all over me at first.  Saying how he is going to ruin my life just like the Vi ruined hers, and I don't really know him like she does cus he showed his true self to her that night, etc.
Now she believes this is the best thing.  That everything happened the way it was supposed to and this will be good for me.  I'll be free and have the freedom I should have at my age.
Could someone please force this bitch to take meds?

Monster vs. Tank

So much has happened since my last blog.
I was going to New Orleans, I found myself a wonderful man, I got pneumonia, and never went to New Orleans!

Well, the New Orleans thing is pretty self explanatory.  It was going to be a Christmas present from my parents, but the day before I was supposed to fly out I started getting pretty sick.  The morning of...couldn't breathe, get out of bed, and was beyond exhausted.  Thought I was dying.  Went to the doc's and was told I was dangerously dehydrated and my blood pressure was at the lowest point before having to be hospitalized.
I was forced to go to the ER for fluids, chest xray, EKG, and then a cat scan.
Pneumonia with an infected lung and both lungs are collapsed at the bottom.  6 weeks for recovery.
This sickness fell during my vacation time.  Good and bad.  Good cus I have the time and bad cus I wasted vacation time on being sick.  Oh well.
Today is the last day of my vacation and the monster thought I was going back to work today.  I said no and that it is tomorrow.
She thinks I should be going back today since I won't be doing anything anyway.
Are you fucking for real!?  This isn't a normal head cold or a 24 hour bug.  I was almost hospitalized and was told I will have a long recovery.  Why in god's name would I rush back to work?

Since that was my Christmas present I now have to pay them back and come up with other gifts for them to get me.  I have wanted a Keurig for a long long time.  Monster knows this.
I gave her half the money and reminded her about the Keurig.  She made some noise and then said "Are you sure?  That's not an everyday thing."

Who gives a shit if it's an everyday thing? I want it for a Christmas present!  Who questions someones Christmas list?  Seriously...she runs down my lists every year with a fine tooth comb and questions everything I want.  *Sigh*

My man? Well, that was a surprise.  We'll call him Tank.
I've known Tank for almost 15 years now.  We lost touch a bit in between, but never too far. 
We met up one night to catch up and haven't left each others side since.  I don't think I have ever really felt something so perfect.
No lies, no questions, no bullshit.
Full trust and understanding. 
I had a large wall up around myself...he took the time to bust through it with the strength of...well...a tank.

Now, I say no bullshit and I mean that strictly between him and I.  If I bring my parents into it then it's a different story.
The first problem they had was that they believe we are going too fast.
Well, not your relationship.  You don't know the dynamic nor have taken the time to get to know him.  So therefore, not your business.

Second problem:  He works super early in the morning and then comes back by 8am.  In order to not disturb me I allowed him to take the key to come back in.  Holy shit this caused some shit.
Apparently even though I pay rent and live in the apartment downstairs I can't decide who is allowed to be in my place.
Their argument is that they don't know him and he could enter their house at any time.
Why the fuck would he do that? How's your trust issues??!
My father is home all the time, for one and two, it's my fucking apartment.  If you have such a problem then put a lock on the main house door for god's sake!

Third problem:  Monster believes Tanks work schedule is what made me sick.  Ummm...no.  Not only does he hardly wake me up, but I even went to my doc and asked her if this could have been a factor.  She stopped, looked at me, and almost laughed.  She said "You stay in bed and don't fully wake up so where is the break in your sleep pattern?  You don't have one.  I don't know what your mother is talking about."
Neither do I.

I feel as if no matter how happy I am they always have some kind of issue.  There is always something wrong or something bothering them.  Now Tank and I have discussed our future together and we want the same things.  One of the thoughts is that he could move in here (in time of course) and we could save a ton of money to then get a house.
This is something my monster had offered to Jello and I before we got married, but he did not want to do this cus he didn't feel comfortable with my parents being so close to us.
I had told my monster our thoughts and she thought it was a smart idea.  Well, just a few days later she says to me that she thinks we should move to our own place when it comes time so I could get freedom away from them.  I could be away from them seeing and knowing everything I do.
Amen to that!

Has she finally opened her eyes to what they are doing? Or is she pissy about something else that she doesn't want to get in to?  I believe the latter.
This woman is as conniving as they come and just as frustrating.
I'm sure between both Tank and I we could find an affordable place where we could save enough money, but just the pure ridiculousness that is my parents just dims the happiness I have.
I feel bad bringing him into such bullshit and craziness.  I really don't know what to think or do when it comes to them.  I'm at a loss.
They are not taking the time to know him yet she complains that she is not comfortable enough cus she doesn't know him.

His mom is amazing.  She remembers me and we truly enjoy each others company.  Her and I have sat and talked for a couple hours.  She a wonderful woman.  Why can't I have parents like this?  Why can't my parents sit and just talk to Tank.  He's not rude, he doesn't make the atmosphere uncomfortable, he's open to talk and answer anything. 
What is their problem???

All I know is that no matter what bullshit she flings I'm going to remain happy with him.  He has done nothing to show me otherwise.  I have been through enough.  It's my time to be happy now.
They can go fuck themselves.

This is not Nascar!

So the move is finished.
I am now in my own space.
OK, not completely, but enough.  I am in my Nana's old apartment aka the in-law, but it's far enough away where I have the independence, yet close enough where I can watch my monster.
Yes, watch my monster.

Since my Nana's death she's been really lonely and trying to find her own routine.  They went out every Saturday, my monster was downstairs watching TV with her almost every night, etc.  She still has been having moments where she will sit in the recliner Nana passed on and cry...hence the "watching".
She definitely needs to realize that I am NOT my Nana, but I'm letting it slide for now or at least until October 1.
Why October 1, you ask?
Well, I am shipping their asses off to VEGAS and having a party the night they leave.
After that, it's leave me the fuck alone I'm your damn tenant not your child!

Oh I can't wait...a shiver of happy anticipation just ran through my body.
Now, the odd thing about this is that my monster is thrilled about this party.  She wants me to string lights around the patio, have tables and chairs set up, etc.
Well shit, I'm gonna go one step further and make a fire pit in the yard!  After they leave of course and then I can blame it on the neighborhood kids when they get home.  She wants me to go balls out for this....be careful what you wish for!

On a more serious note, for those of you that are VI fans.  He just got a scary medical update.  He has kidney cancer.  Now, it is a very small spot that can be removed via operation.  This operation is going to occur soon.  He caught it early so that's something positive.
He's very scared since all his family have died of cancer (except his dad).

I don't see him very much since I moved so stories are few and far between.  I do have one that happened last week.
Now, we are in September.  I personally believe that once kids start going back to school and the nights become fairly cold, all lawn mowing must cease!  He clearly does not follow this belief.
He knows I work late and then once home I can't sleep until the wee hours of the morning so he holds off running the mower until at least 12pm.
I don't remember who the genius was behind allowing him to buy and use a ride on mower, but they should be shot.
Every time 5 minutes this thing makes a popping noise.  He drives it like he's racing in god damned Nascar!
Spins it in circles in the backyard.  Stalls it constantly then stays seated on it and waits for our neighbor Andy to notice so he can come over and fix it.

I was walking out my backdoor one afternoon on my way to work and he comes barrel-assing toward me only for the mower to POP and stall.  He stays seated and stares at me while I walk toward him to kiss him goodbye.
I stop mid walk after noticing the pretty white clouds of smoke pouring out from under the hood.

"Umm...dad?"  As I point toward the engine.
"Yea I know it's smoking right?"
"Yea, don't-cha think you should get off of it?"
"No, it's fine.  Just over heated."

I make my way slowly to him, kiss him on the forehead then walk away as he lifts the hood up and allows the smoke to billow around him.

"OK, dad love you...please don't blow up!"

I get in my truck, back out of my drive way...then look back as he races across my driveway on to the front lawn.
Are you shitting me?

OH! He finally got hearing aids! Yes, plural.  Friggen guy was deaf in both ears.
First day with them and he was amazed by the noises he had never heard before, like my truck running.


In other news....
My ex-husband got remarried.  Yep...less than 2 years after our divorce and he's hitched again!
It stings...truthfully, but ya know what?
I'm so glad he's happy.  She looks like she is a good person and they are happy together.  That's all I ever wanted for him.
We had a lot of ups and downs...mistakes made on both sides, but I wish him all the luck in the world...and I hope they are together for the long haul.


Me? Well, I'm a work in progress...
That's all I gotta say about that.

Times they are a changin

There's so much I want to talk about, but only half of it I'm willing to talk about in an open forum.
As most of you know my Nana died in April.  It's been hard, really hard, for both my monster and I.
Nana had been dealing with breast cancer for years.  Chemo for most of that time, but the chemo scared the cancer enough that it ran for the hills aka her brain.
The doctor made her stop chemo immediately and begin radiation.  10 treatments in 10 days.  I brought her to the clinic everyday, watched her get more and more exhausted.  Once the treatments ended her hair went with them.  Now I gotta be honest and say that woman looked adorable bald!
She was always very serious about preening herself.  She had a reputation to uphold.  She was proud whenever she was compared to Lana Turner, or at times, Lady Gaga.
Once all of the glitz, flowers, and glitter went away she still shined.  Her attitude never faltered.  She gave her all until the end.
She passed peacefully, and painlessly, in her sleep while watching TV.  My monster found her.
The next few days were incredibly hard and not because of the passing, but because of having to watch  my monster crumble.  She became a zombie.  I had to step up and take care of everything, from the wake/funeral, to the headstone, to paperwork for the lawyer.  I was so busy I never had time to grieve until it all settled down.
Late at night when I was alone the tears came and it was like that for awhile.  They came full force and without mercy.  They blended everything that had happened to me over the past 4 months.  Tidal wave is the best word to describe the emotions.

Well, the tears stopped.  I have many things going on in my life now.  I'm moving into my Nana's apartment.  I'm renovating the whole place.  New floors, carpets, blinds for the window, oven, paint, etc., but I'm keeping some of her jewelry boxes and her hope chest so I can keep her close.
I'm excited to get my privacy back!  I can finally have people over and not feel as if I'm a teenager.  I can cook without being criticized or hovered over.  I can have an adult beverage without the smirks or side glances!
FREEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!

Now aside from moving and gaining my adult status back, I've also been changing my life in a different way as well.  I go out all the time.  This may not seem that big of a deal, but for me it is.  Every Sunday is "Sunday Funday"...dancing and drinking with friends.  Any opportunity to go and have fun somewhere, I take it!
I'm grabbing life by the balls.
Trips, concerts, clubs, parties, I'm there.
Regardless of who is in my life or not, I am living it for myself.  I'm the only one that can make myself happy or unhappy.  I come first!

So many people stay in situations that make them miserable for various reasons.  I don't get it.  Why live in misery?  Regardless of the reasons, you're unhappy.  Why live that way?  Seriously, why?
We have 1 life.  You either live it how you choose and be happy or live in misery just because you feel you have to.

Moving on...

The monster.
The monster and I have been really getting along. So much so that I opened up to her and told her everything about my life and continue to do so.  I actually enjoy talking to her.
*Insert shocked gasps here*

I know, I know. Weird, right?!
Well, how do you think I feel??
This woman judged every move I made.  Criticized me like it was her job.  Now we can be just 2 people having a conversation.
It's nice.

The common bond between us?  The vi.
Holy shit he just keeps getting worse!  The stupid shit that comes out of his mouth is astounding.
I leave for work and he has to call the monster right away as I'm climbing into my truck to report to her what I'm wearing and if I took a lunch.  She doesn't ask for this information, but he feels it necessary to inform her.  I went out this past Sunday and wore a sundress which had spaghetti straps and a v neckline.  For the next hour following my departure, monster had to listen to his "opinions" on my dress.  How can I dance in it (it's long), it's too low cut, etc.  Over and over again.
The next day, I get to listen to his insane questions about how did I dance in my dress? Did I lift it up (this is followed by his hands pretending to lift a skirt ABOVE his chest).

Me: "Are you fucking serious right now?"
VI: "What?  I just hope you don't lift it."
Me: "Are you seriously asking if I lift my skirt and show my shit when I dance? Are you fucking nuts?"
VI: "Well I don't know."

I almost punched him in the face.

This is the kind of shit that comes out of his mouth.  Once the monster found out she lost her mind.  She is at her wits end with his comments.  He makes no sense and it's getting worse.  We think it's because he's stuck in the house day in and day out.  Doing NOTHING.
I can't even sit at the dinner table with him or I get really testy.  I am in a constant state of eye-rolling.
July 29th can't get here fast enough.

After that....house warming party planning! Stay tuned :)