My whole life I have tried. I have tried to better myself in every way I could. Every demanding, yet, "do what you want" advice from the monster has been done or considered. If not done to her satisfaction then I didn't listen or she is disappointed in my choices. There's never any relief from the judgement.
My favorite thing she does to me, and this has been life long, is to get me excited about something she is going to give me or help me do then in a few hours or days she comes back with
"Well, I've been thinking and I don't know if....blah blah blah."
She gives it, enjoys the excitement she's given me, then takes it away. I call this the roller coaster ride. Why? Because I get the same WOOO! feeling followed by the nausea afterwards.
The most recent and the catalyst for my new bloggy blog here is the last couple months she's offered to put a downpayment on a house for me and Tank. She said that she is miserable up in Salem, NH without having me closer. So in order for her to be happier and confident that I'll be okay when she dies, yes death is a preferred topic of choice on every occasion including Christmas, she wants to get me something I've always wanted and be comfortable financially.
Wow, what an offer right? So amazing my loving parents would put such an offer on the table with no strings attached. This is the best moment ever. How could I ever thank them? 39 years and I still haven't learned. Wait, maybe I have since the WOOO! feeling hadn't truly shown up.
In the middle of house searching, Tanks baby mama, the newest monster in my life, jumps in to fuck things up yet again with her bullshit issues. What now you may ask? She wants to dump her son on us. He's gotten too hard to deal with or so she claims. The true reason? Her youngest daughter, from an affair she had 7 years ago, is her cash cow. She makes the most money off this kid and the father offered to get her a house down south so he can be closer to his daughter.
Nice right? Well, come next year, Tanks middle daughter will be graduating high school and the only kid left is the son. She'd have to wait 2 more years to get rid of him and that's just not fast enough. What is she to do? Be a mother? Hell no! Dump his ass to get what she wants. Fuck the kids, right?
Yea, this fucked me royally as my lovely monster refused to help since she can't be sure we can afford a new place with a child to boot. Enter stress and depression!
Now about 2 weeks ago, the monster decided that she understood we didn't have a choice in this decision since it was either take the son or allow him to go into state custody. Yea, bm of the year right? For those confused, bm is baby mama not bowel movement, though they are similar.
Monster was going to find places that she deemed we could afford with or without a kid. I was so relieved I started to cry while on the phone and driving. I don't cry often around her or anyone for that matter. To be uncomfortable crying in front of your own mother is kind of shitty in my opinion, but that's a defense mechanism I've learned over the years. Anyone can cry in front of me and I non-judgingly (yes, I made up a word) comfort, but if I cry in front of her or anyone I feel weak and judged. That's another blog for another day.
Fast forward to last week. I was on the phone with the monster and informed her that we are taking the son once school sets up transportation. She went wild and started angrily fast talking about everything connected to Tank. Now she demands his car be given back to the dealer before June or she is not helping us. Awesome.
I asked for her help as Tank was on board to get rid of his car, she states she needs to back away for awhile and to get his families help. That he needs to figure this out. Okay, so you demand something but refuse to help? Got it.
Last night, I text her a link to a place that is under her price for homes. I get an email back saying:
"That has been on the list forever
I am not sure if I heard right - Did you say he is living with you right now?"
Umm, yea, told you that 2 weeks ago. See the game playing here? Oh wait, it gets better. After I answer her, I get this heartwarming response:
"WOW dad and I are heartbroken
that was not an emergency - it could of waited till the school season started
I told you we would look for a home you could afford - but - with the both of you not with kids
If you could handle it then you could make a move with his son
again Tanks car has been an issue for years - no movement on his part, eventually you will need a vehicle - remember you don't even have a car payment - what is going to happen then?? - all this needs to be a part of our decision - we are retired and cannot take a chance with our finances - we keep wanting to help you BUT what the hell are you doing? what is tank doing on his end - he has a motorcycle (needs parts, insurance, gas - tell him to sell it), a car he can't afford, buys new tires for a car he is supposed to be getting rid of and now his son - it could of waited until you got settled.
Next year we will see where you are at - if you need our help on making financial decisions preparing for the future let us know - even though you are not listening to us FINANCIALLY - you are listening to tank who has no clue about money - yes, show this to tank because it is the truth.
We are not mad at all - but very disappointed for you
love mom and dad xoxo
Again we are not mad!"
OH, oh so many many things to say in response. This legit could become a novel. Heartbroken? Fine, be heartbroken. I've had my heart broken by you too many times to count! No it was not an emergency, but since bm was fucking shady due to her own selfish bullshit we're stuck. We can handle it financially with his son, but OH NO she's feels we can't so I guess she's right. Isn't she always?
Tanks car? Yea it's fucking stupid payment wise, but no one is helping us figure out how to get rid of it and get something less expensive so we're fucked again! Nothing we can do.
Tires? Is he supposed to die then? Cus they were bald and hazardous, but who cares!? She doesn't.
The bike? That's not going anywhere so not even gonna comment.
He can't handle money? So what do you call keeping bills and rent paid when I was out of work for 8 months a few years back? Damn he's shitty right? Fucking low life son of a bitch.
And if you have to say you're not mad more than once, YOU'RE FUCKING MAD.
I'm at a point where I'm about to give up. I've been trying everything I can to get us in a better place and to keep myself positive, but I feel like I'm in a losing battle. Between bm bitch who can't handle being an actual mother to monster dangling shit in front of me like a fucking carrot, I'm about to break.
I will rally. I know this about myself. Sometimes the break happens and I come back pissed off and I fuck shit up for the ones who broke me. I can be one sadistic bitch. If you don't know this about me you're lucky. If you do, sorry not sorry since you clearly deserved it. But some are about to know. I'm not sure when or how, but it's coming for you.
I need people who are on my side in my life. I need close friends back, I need some sort of idea on how to get back on that path to success. I just need love, friendship, and more life. I need something. I'll just be lost until I find it.
