Ho, Ho, Ho...where did I go?

For the last 3 years the holidays have been pretty tough for me.
'09 I realized I was unhappy in my marriage, but still had to play the part with family
'10 I was newly divorced, living back with my parents, and the man I want to be with is not with me.
This year, still with the parents, stressing about finding a place, and still not with my panda.
It seems to get harder with each passing year.
Now to add to my holiday blues, the monster is playing her roller coaster of approval game again.

I had a plan to move out of the cave at the beginning of the year, that didn't go as planned.
I then thought it would be a good idea to buy a place.  I was looking at mobile homes, the stationary ones that look like homes.  I mentioned how this was highly viewed by the monster in my last blog.
Well, that has changed for some reason.
Monsters new view on the mobile home is that it is too much work for me.  I don't live with a man so who will do the yard work or shovel/snowplow the drive way for me?  Yea, really, she said that. No joke.
I'd then have to purchase a lawnmower and a snow blower which would be too costly for me.
The VI said that mobile homes built before 1980 or so were built with Formaldehyde, so we would have to gut the whole place and have it redone.  I take this with a grain of salt since we all know how smart the VI is.
I asked about a condo, apparently I don't have enough money.
Now they say I should look at a studio apartment.  Monster does not want me living with a room mate at any cost.
She believes it won't work, I'll get screwed.  She's always dreamed/wanted me to live on my own.  I'll apparently love it.
I'm not a live alone kind of girl.  I have an overactive imagination!  I can turn any noise into a flesh eating monster coming to get me cus I'm fat and tasty!
If I do decide to go against her "wishes" it's gonna be World War 3 in this house for a long time and if anything were to go wrong I'd never live it down.  Even in death they'd find a way to say "I told ya so!"

So now I'm stuck.  I don't want a studio apartment.  I have enough furniture to fill a house and I hate the thought of having people over to hang out in my bedroom.
I just want space, freedom, relief.  I want to be happy with where I live, not settle cus I want to get out so badly I can taste it.
I'm scratching at the walls here!  Crying nightly has become a ritual before bed.  Can I say this to the monster? Of course not, she's the poster child for the perfect parent, didn't you know?

People tell me constantly, it's your life, you can't let her tell you what to do, etc, etc.
It's easier said then done.  The shit I have had to deal with by going against her or the constant comments of how I "never" listen to them and I always make the wrong decisions.  That wears on a person after awhile and you just want to shut them up.
I don't want a studio and I'm gonna do my damnedest not to end up in one, but I may have to suck it up.
I'd prefer a big place with a room mate then the quiet, boring, loneliness, of living alone.

All in all it just adds up to I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of waiting for good things to happen to me, I want things to start changing in my favor.  I want my freedom, I want my space, I want my sanity, I want my panda, I want myself back!