Back by popular demand...

So the VI, as you all know, used to be pretty violent.  Not someone you would want to spend a Sunday watching TV with or have around small children.
When I was about 16 or 17 years old, he finally went to the doctor and found out he has a chemical imbalance.  He got on meds and has been pretty vegetablish since.
This is great for me, my monster, and anyone who comes in contact with him.
My monster is unhappy, but is greatful for a calmer home.  He does have his spurts of anger or freak outs, but they are few and far between. 
He has seemed to channel his anger and penchant for violence toward the poor squirrels in the backyard.
I wake up this morning and go downstairs to get breakfast.  He notices me and comes right back into the house from the porch all excited.
"Do you see that little bastard?"
"What little bastard?" *eye roll insert*
"The damn squirrel on the tree."

Now there is a small patch of woods behind the cave so this statement is completely vague.  I humor him.  I lean over the sink and stare out the window, but let my eyes go lazy.  I start to see things like one of the pictures with the hidden items in it.  In my mind, as he's talking, I'm trying to guess what shapes I see.

"No dad, I don't see any squirrel."
"What?! He's right there, upside down eating the friggen flowers off the tree."
I came to realize that the tree is actually a bush. 
"Oh, yea. I see him.  Sorry, I need new glasses."  Bold faced lie.
"I wanna shoot him in the ass with my gun!"
"Dad, don't shoot him."
"But he's eating the flowers!"
"So.  Let him.  If he gets sick he'll learn a lesson."  at this point I'm just laughing at him.
The thought of my father getting out his bb gun and actually trying to hit a moving target is hilarious.
This is a retired correctional officer who used to carry, and still has, a nice Smith & Wesson.  But age, deafness, and all around stupidity has all but rusted his shooting abilities.

Last year, my father brought out his bb gun to try and shoot holes in to my monster's bird houses hanging from random trees throughout the yard.  He challenged me.
He kept missing and I told him I wanted to try.
He laughed and said, "Hey honey, Melissa's gonna try and shoot your birdhouses.  Watch this.  I bet she shoots someone's window out."
The monster of course was not amused.
I took the gun, held my breathe, aimed, and shot 2 holes directly above and below the hole of one of the birdhouses.
I think the vi shit his pants a little.
I lowered the gun, turned toward him, handed it back, and walked away.
Yea old man, challenge me again.

Walking on broken glass....

We are now in the mists of the monster's suspension.
It started off pretty well...in fact Sunday she wasn't a monster at all.
She was singing and laughing.  We went out to pick up my first summer dress and she paid!  No questions or snide comments.  Just offered to pay.
We went looking for party ideas for my friend's bachelorette party.  Giggling in the aisle and coming up with great ideas.
Real mother/daughter normal stuff.  Kinda weird, but nice.
We get home, have a great dinner, then I come upstairs and begin working on shower invitations.
All in all...an almost perfect day with her.

Monday.
The day started off with monster having to take my Nana to the doctor for some radiation therapy.  I was pretending to still be asleep, but I heard her getting ready.
I get up after she leaves and finish the rest of the invites.
She calls from the doctors and asks if I could put the chicken in the oven.  Great, no problem!
I start my chores...3 loads of laundry, strip/make the bed, dust, vacuum, etc.
She gets home, comes upstairs and seems fine still.  Weird, but I'll take it!
She tries on clothes and asks my opinion before she gets rid of them.  Then she asks me to look at hotels for her and the vi in Reno, NV.
I have done this 3 times for them for the same hotels, so needless to say I sigh and make a smart ass comment.  I felt safe in doing so since she seemed to be in one of those joking moods.
That comment showed me she was actually in transition mode.  I was walking on glass.  Very thin glass.
She goes from singing to "We don't ask you for much, but I can tell your aggravated so never mind."
Oh shit.
But just like a the perfect crazypants that she is...10 seconds flat she's back to singing.
Are you kidding me?  I'm waiting for her head to spin Exorcist style.

She goes down stairs to finish dinner as I fold my first load of laundry.
She calls me down to dinner...
Dinner was fine.
After, I mention that I need to see if the FedEx guy had left a package of registration cards for the shower invites at the front door.
I look and he had.
I go back into the kitchen, tell monster, then say I have to go finish the invites so I can be done with them and send them out tomorrow before work.
That's when it begins.

Now let me paint a normal after dinner situation.
We finish dinner...the vi goes out on the porch to have cigarette and read the paper...I sit at the table while the monster does the dishes.
Normal.
Since I have been a kid...this is what happens.
Well, today apparently there is a change in the cave and someone forgot to tell me.
After informing her that I have to go and finish the invites she starts getting upset.
"Oh, well OK, I thought you could help me, but don't worry about it I guess."
*Place eye roll here*
"What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing...don't worry.  Just go."
"Mom seriously, I have to stuff and close 77 invitations, but do you want me to do something for you first?"
"Nope don't worry just go and finish."
"Fine."

I go and finish my invites.  Of course as soon as I get upstairs I eavesdrop and listen to her bitching to my father about me.  Same shit different day.
After I finish, I go downstairs to switch out my last load of laundry.  I go into the kitchen and that's when the lecture begins.
The gist of it...
As a woman/daughter I should automatically want to help with cleaning up.
She doesn't know me, my life, my friends, nothing.  She looks and talks to other mothers/daughters and feels empty.
She is the only one in my life that will ever help me.
When my life falls apart she is always there, but what is she aside from that.
She says I have hatred toward her...she feels my aggravation with her.
She believes that when I move out she will never see me again.
She then goes into the past with my ex husband and how we screwed up...literally went back 9 years ago.
I don't spend time with her on Friday/Saturday nights.  When I do it's forced.  She wants me to want to spend time with her.
She also said that when we were standing in line at the Dollar Store, she was standing behind me and we didn't talk so that was the first time she realized how alone she is.  How we really don't have a relationship and she blames herself.

I told her that was 5 minutes out of the entire day and she is harping on the fact that we didn't talk while in line and surrounded my loud ass teenagers?  Really?  I told her to stop reading into shit.

I just sat there after that.  I couldn't really disagree with the rest.  I did however tell her that ever since I moved back I feel she is clingy.  She wants a relationship with me that she has with my Nana and that is never going to happen.  I am who I am...and it's not her.

After awhile she told me that she had talked my ear off enough and to go to my Nana's to get my jeans taken in.
So off I went downstairs.
As soon as my Nana's door closed I went off.  I told her everything.  I got so upset I cried.
This is strange to me since I don't like crying in front of my family.  I never have.  So I have to be really upset to do this and it only lasts until I can regain control again.  When I cry I expect criticism or "why the hell are you crying" comments.

So there it is.  Half way through purgatory.  She goes back to work on Thursday, then Friday, then she has Saturday-Tuesday off.  The only thing stopping a death in this house is that they may be spending the night at Foxwoods on Sunday.  I may actually be able to enjoy my weekend.
We shall see.
As for now...I sit in this room, thinking about my life and where it is now.  Kinda want to cry again.

Hand to Jesus

I am the type of person who truly appreciates the little things.  Big things are always great, but little things come more often and usually mean a lot more.

I left for work on Wednesday like any other day.  About a half hour into my shift I get a call on my cell phone.  It was the monster.  My heart drops a bit wondering what the hell I had done now.

I called her back.

What came out of her mouth made me so happy I was hardly able to pretend to care about the rest of the conversation.

The monster was so stressed about work (she had gotten suspended for a week with no pay) that the vi was taking her away to Foxwoods for the night.  They wouldn't be home until Thursday afternoon.

From that moment on I couldn't concentrate.  I wanted to go home as soon as possible just to take advantage of the peace and quiet.

I was able to maintain and stay focused at work until 9:15p and then I ran outta there!

A friend of mine decided to join me as well...

I decided to have a small celebration....this included wine and a huge ass sundaes!

Bad combo for anyone thinking about this same thing.

I got home, poured some wine, got comfy on the living room couch and watched TV.

So nice to feel normal for once.

I went to bed after 1 more glass of wine.

I woke up a bit nauseous, but had a smile on my face.  So nice, so quiet, so relaxed.

I lounged in bed, talked to Cindi, then my Nana calls upstairs panicked.  Crap.

I go down to see what got her all hyper.

She starts off by saying that she doesn't care who I had upstairs the night before she just doesn't want me to tell the monster. 

I laughed and told her it was only one of my girlfriends.

She then closed her eyes, put her hand up like she was praising Jesus and started rambling...

"Melissa, Melissa, I don't want to know.  Don't tell me."

"OK, but it's really not a big deal."

"Melissa, Melissa, please do not explain.  I don't want to know therefore when monster asks me I won't be lying."

That sounded very fair.

She explained how if I did tell monster that she would be OK to my face and then run down to my Nana and complain about how she doesn't want to go away again cus I may bring another stranger into the house.  

Nana completely understands the mental destruction that is the monster.

We decided to concoct a story.  We are conniving women when put together.  I love my Nana.

The monster and the vi had yet to come home and I had to soon get ready for work.  I was so excited that I would reach a full 24 hours without seeing or hearing them.

No luck.

1:45p they walk in the door. 

1:45!!!!!!

I had only a half hour to go before I had reached perfection.

I walk upstairs and the monster was right there at the landing.

I hugged and kissed her saying I had to go and get ready for work. 

"What the hell? What do you mean?"

"I have to go get ready it's 1:45"

"Well, Jesus, you rush all the time."

"Well, I was down talking to Nana and came up when I had to get ready.  So I have to go."

She didn't like that at all.

Oh well.

I went upstairs and started getting things together and getting dressed.  Monster thought that was a perfect time to start questioning me about my jeans Nana had just sewn.  I had explained the situation and why the waste of the jeans wasn't right, but she isn't quick with the uptake.

Between rushing to get ready and trying to listen to what she was rambling about I apparently got snippy.

I got snippy.  Well shit let me start throwing questions at her when she's rushing and we'll see how snippy she gets.

I finally left for work.
I return home and she is passed out on the couch.  Thank God!
I now face the rest of her suspension.  I worry about how far up my ass she'll go.
I need a vacation, I need to get away, I need my dramatic and stressful life to become blissfully boring and happy.
It makes me sad sometimes that I've allowed my life to get so out of control that I see no calm in the near future.
Bad for me...good for you folks who like my bloggy.

Shoes and Surprises

Every other Friday=Bill Day.
I generally dread this day.
Receiving one's paycheck is supposed to be a glorious day.  A day full of hope for what the next 2 weeks may bring.  Not for me.
The day begins with me picking up my paycheck before work...working till 11:30p...then coming home by midnight only to have to sit down with the monster and delegate where my money is to go.
The monster has always used the "envelope" method.  This method is where you cash your check, bring the cash home, then separate the money into different envelopes for different things.
My envelopes are as follows:
1. Car Insurance
2. Cell Phone
3. Medical/Co-Pay
4. Spa/Wax
5. Comcast
6. Savings
7. Car Repairs
8. Misc.
Once money is placed in each envelope I am then giving gas money and allowance (monster calls it "blow money").  This is to last me until my next check.
We got through and count the amount of money in each envelope...record it on the outside so she knows I'm not "stealing" any and she then makes me recount the ways I spent my blow money over the previous 2 weeks.
I try and rush her as much as I can so these nights can get pretty heated.  She can't understand why I fight against her so much.  For instance, we got in a fight over cable.  Yes, TV.
One of the only things I demanded when I moved here was that I have HBO and Showtime.  The vi bitched and moaned cus it is more money, but I'd be paying so once again he makes no sense.
She begins to tell me that I am going to have a big shock when I move out.  I won't be able to have cable and most likely I'll have to decide over my cell or my Internet.
Oh hell no.
I laughed at her.  She wanted to show me what it was going to be like and have my cable shut off in a month. I was pissed to say the least.  She was not going to shut that off.  I freaked out.
She smirked.  Oh that bitch was loving the fact she had gotten me riled up.
She said she'll leave it on.  I then followed that comment by saying, "And I'll have it when I move.  I will find a way."
I personally don't think I fight against her enough.

This past Friday was my bonus check.  YAY!
Extra money means extra things she wants me to get.  On my list is shoes.
I have a shoe fetish.
I have bought shoes that will never touch pavement.  I can last for hours in a shoe store.  So when she said the word I perked up and became little miss sunshine kiss ass.
I was given $150 for shoes to which I planned on spending Monday with my friend Kate.

Sunday came.
Monster needed a coupon for future shopping and had me look it up on the store website.  She requested I get this coupon for her.  I went along with her excitement over this 10% off coupon until the end when I looked at her and said,
"Great...so would you like me to forward this to your email at work so you can print it?"
"What do you mean?  You can't?"
"If I was Harry Potter I'm sure I could, but last time I checked I didn't have a printer."

My plan succeeded.  The next words out of her mouth were "Take $100 and get a printer. I saw them for sale at Walmart."
Shoes and new technology.
Now of course this blessing of money came with the usual confusion of I can get shoes, but I can't spend it all.
 
Monday is here!
I meet Kate at her house and we go shopping crazy!
Bob's, Payless, Walmart, Five Guys Burgers for lunch.
I get home a little bit before the monster and spread my bounty out on my bed.  7 pairs of shoes and a deskjet wireless HP printer I bought for $56.
The deals I got were amazing.
I came home with with a little under $50.
The monster comes upstairs, stops at my door, and gawks at the items on my bed.
She is in awe.  Things come out of her mouth like..."I can't believe it."
"You actually bargain shopped."
"I actually have to give you credit."
But of course, she has to throw in, "I guess this was just a lucky day for you."
No, not lucky, it's called maturity and shopping savvy.  Something she doesn't think I have or ever had.
I guess I'll just have to take my small victories as they come to me.