If your looking for stories of the monster and vi...this blog won't give them to you. Its been the same with them lately. Dumb ass questions, actions, but both have been in pretty good moods. I won't say that my level of aggravation and annoyance has gone down. It hasn't by any means, but it's tolerable at the moment.
I feel the need to just write...
Notate my favorite quotes, perceptions on life and situations, etc.
You may see this as boring, but tough, my blog my choice...*add raspberry noise here*
Family
The quote "the grass is always greener on the other side" is such a true statement.
I remember growing up and wishing that I had parents like my friends. Always fun, relaxed, had parties, went cool places, etc. Of course I grew out of that and learned of the hardships each of my parents had gone through. I appreciate them for who they are and what they've taught me.
Now I just wish they'd have a drink or at least smoke some pot to friggen relax and enjoy life instead of always fearing it.
There have been a few deliveries to the cave in the last few weeks such as a new couch and new frig...both times monster thought the deliver guys were casing the house. Way to be paranoid.
Favorite family quotes:
~Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ---- George Burns
~If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. ----George Bernard Shaw
~Family is a mixed blessing. You’re glad to have one, but it’s also like receiving a life sentence for a crime you didn’t commit. ~Richard Pryor
Friendship
This to me is linked with family, but it means more since I don't really know most of my family. I know I have more family members out there somewhere, but damned if I know them.
Friends mean the world to me. Loyalty, no judgement, understanding, laughing, crying, everything a person needs to get through any situation.
I wouldn't be where I am right now if it wasn't for my friends, especially my bestie. She has pulled me through more than I could ever write about. She's been there through it all. And I mean all of it and there's much more to come for both of us.
I try to be the best friend I can be to all my friends. Sometimes it's tough depending on life and drama, but I do the best I can. I cherish the ones that stick by me and will always view them as family. They've earned the title.
Favorite friendship quotes:
~“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”
~"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are."
~"Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families."
~“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”
Love
Love is a funny thing.
One minute your floating and everything is right with the world. Then next moment your world is collapsing for something that could be so small to anyone else.
I've learned you have to find faith in love. You have to believe that no matter what it will find a way.
I have been hurt by this emotion many times, but I'm trying to learn to trust in it. I have found how strong love can be and how devastating.
I'm smack in the middle of it now...stronger than any other love I've felt in my life. It's hard, but to me it's worth it. I am a hopeless romantic and I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Favorite love quotes (there's quite a few of these)
~" I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you."
~" In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged."
~" If I know what love is, it is because of you."
~" If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."
~"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path."
~"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."
~"Love is friendship set on fire."
~Amor vincit omnia
OK so that's enough of my random thoughts. It's 2:30am and I'm sleepy. Just to put it out there, I'm headed to Cancun on October 21 and plan to write a blog every single night I'm there. 5 days away from the cave deserves to be celebrated even in writing. Sober or drunk...there will be blogs!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Really...
This is a quick blog, but it had to be written.
I went to sleep around 2:30am this morning only to wake up at 5:30am to pee.
I open my door, walk in zombie mode a few steps to the bathroom door (which is open), and once I get to the door I realize I'm staring at the monster sitting on the toilet.
She's #2ing, that is clear, but she's also hunched over with her head tilted toward the wall.
I stand there groggily saying mom, but no reaction.
Finally she jolted back and saw me. "OH Jesus!"
She not only had fallen asleep mid poo, but she also had her ear plugs still in.
I turn my back and walk into the hallway to give her some privacy.
From there on she never stops talking. It gets to the point where I'm almost fully awake.
I finally get to pee...once done I walk into the hallway and comment that she's too damn talkative in the morning, she giggles and hugs me. I walk back in to my room, get back into bed, and lay there.
I can't fall back to sleep...god damn it!
Woman woke me up with her 5:30am giddy ass rantings!! WTF
So here I am working on maybe 4 solid hours of sleep...I'm gonna be a gem today! Fucking monster.
I went to sleep around 2:30am this morning only to wake up at 5:30am to pee.
I open my door, walk in zombie mode a few steps to the bathroom door (which is open), and once I get to the door I realize I'm staring at the monster sitting on the toilet.
She's #2ing, that is clear, but she's also hunched over with her head tilted toward the wall.
I stand there groggily saying mom, but no reaction.
Finally she jolted back and saw me. "OH Jesus!"
She not only had fallen asleep mid poo, but she also had her ear plugs still in.
I turn my back and walk into the hallway to give her some privacy.
From there on she never stops talking. It gets to the point where I'm almost fully awake.
I finally get to pee...once done I walk into the hallway and comment that she's too damn talkative in the morning, she giggles and hugs me. I walk back in to my room, get back into bed, and lay there.
I can't fall back to sleep...god damn it!
Woman woke me up with her 5:30am giddy ass rantings!! WTF
So here I am working on maybe 4 solid hours of sleep...I'm gonna be a gem today! Fucking monster.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Cycles...
It has been a long ass time since I last wrote.
There have been ups and downs with the monster (of course). I'm in a down cycle now.
There's also a few changes around the bend that I'm hoping will come to pass.
My hatred for the VI has increased as well. Thinking of changing his name to Shit Fuck. Thoughts are welcome.
A few weeks back the monster was on a "good" cycle.
I'm going to call them cycles from now on and the reason is because she spins or at least leaves me spinning.
Good cycles, her attitude is basically..."Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
Bad cycles, she's out of control, no one can catch up and all hell breaks loose eventually.
Good Cycle:
These are starting to become a serious pain in the ass.
It started on a Friday night and continued through to Monday.
Friday, I got home from work at 12:10a. As I was driving around the corner I could see her standing on the screened-in porch watching me pull into the drive way. I opened the car door and as soon as I did I hear...
"Hi dear"
"Hey mom."
I start up the stairs...
"Why are you home late?"
"What do you mean? I get home around this time every night."
"No, it's 10 past you usually get home around 10 of."
"Really? I stayed and talked to some of the girls."
"Oh."
I walk in, chewing gum.
"What's with the gum?"
"I felt like chewing gum."
"Oh."
I walk past her and into the house. She follows very closely behind me.
"So what's going on?"
"Nothing, I just got in and I have to put my stuff away."
"Oh. How was your day?"
"Fine....why are you up my ass?"
"I don't know. Huh.."
We head upstairs, she takes a bath, then goes to bed.
Ugh. The last thing someone wants after working until midnight, is to come home and to walk in to a wall of what the fuck.
Saturday:
I don't really remember it. I think I may have voluntarily blocked it out.
What I do recall is that she begged to make my lunch and when I got to work there was the classic "I love you, Mom" note.
Then once home...yea, no idea. Total hole in the memory.
Sunday:
Now this day was ridiculous. By the end of the night I was on the verge of jumping out the 3rd story window after crying till I almost puked. Just frustrating.
The day started normally enough and she was in a good mood.
I sat downstairs every once in a while and shot the shit with her. Made sure I was "around" so she couldn't complain later.
After dinner the VI asked me to look something up online. The monster started to argue that I could do it later and he didn't need to know right away.
I said I'll just go look now (perfect reason to be away from them for a bit). I went upstairs, but slowly so I could listen to the argument going on downstairs.
"Why did you want that, like, right now?"
"What's the big deal? It'll take 2 seconds?"
"I wanted her to stay down here with me!"
I looked up what I had to look up and then went back downstairs, hesitantly.
I stayed down a bit longer and then went back upstairs to relax. This was around 6p.
around 7-7:30p the vi went to bed. After the monster tucked him in, yes...she tucks him in. No lie.
I can understand kissing him when he goes to bed or if he's already laying down, but she legit tucks him in.
Sometimes she'll even run upstairs ahead of him and hide in the closet or under the bed.
Someone is a regular passenger on the crazy train.
She finishes, then opens my door. The following comments were made in this order and each time my door just opened, followed by her head poking in. No knocking whatsoever. Privacy? What's privacy?
"I'm going downstairs to clean out the dishwasher"
1/2 hour later
"I'm going to run my bathwater."
10 min. later
"I'm going downstairs to have my poo poo tea (don't ask). I'll be back soon."
1/2 hour later
"I'm gonna take a bath."
15 minutes later
"I'm going down to Nana's for a bit to do my hair and watch TV."
About 10p she comes back upstairs, comes into my room, sits down and starts asking questions.
"Foxwoods told me that I need to call them on the 1st to get any new deals. You think you can go online and see if they are available yet?"
"If they told you to wait till the 1st of the month then the soonest I'd see anything is at midnight."
"Oh no really? You can't see anything online?"
"No mom. As great as the Internet is, unfortunately it's not a portal into the future."
*add depressed sigh and facial expression from her*
Silence
"Oh! I know! I have been trying to find my spray hair gel, but it's been sold out. Can you go online to try and find it?"
Now it's well past her bed time, she's been up my butt all weekend. I'm ready for some me time which clearly isn't coming as quickly as I'd like it to.
"No mom. It's 10:10p...you're usually in bed now."
Sigh..."OK." Silence..."Your sure about Foxwoods?"
"Yes."
Silence
"Let me just go get the bottle and just check real quick to see if you can find it anywhere. I'll buy 3 if you do."
"Oh my god mom!"
She walks back into my room and hands me the bottle.
L'Oreal is out of stock.
"It's no where mom. Even L'Oreal is out."
"So what does that mean?"
"It means it's not available."
"So I can't get it anywhere?"
"No. It's sold out. If the vendor doesn't have it, no one has it"
"Well, what do you mean?"
"I MEAN IT CEASES TO BE! NO MORE!"
"Well for god sake! Every time I fall in love with something they discontinue it. Just my luck. Now what am I gonna do?"
"Find something else."
*add hugely obvious eye roll from me*
She then sits down on my bed again. Silence. Then the moment I seriously thought my mother was high.
She starts clapping in a way that sounds like snapping. She placed her hands together in a praying manner, locked her thumbs together and then started clapping only her fingers together.
She was enthralled.
"Oh my god Melis! Listen! Do you hear that?"
"Hear what? You're clapping."
"It sounds like my bones are hitting."
"Your bones?"
"Yea. Listen! That's so weird."
"Mom, does it hurt?"
"No."
"Then your not cracking your bones together."
"Oh. Well it's still weird."
"Your creating an air pocket and clapping your fingers is just breaking the air."
"Wow...so strange."
"OK mom...baby needs to go to sleep. It's way past your bedtime."
She laughed. Finally got up after sitting there for another 10 min. or so.
She left and I waited for her bedroom door to close....then I cried.
I just sat there and cried. Built up over the weekend with her, other personal issues, and regular stress.
I took off my glasses, cried into my hands, and started rubbing my face. Thank god I did that!
As soon as I started rubbing...guess what?
My fucking door opened!
"I'm going to sleep downstairs your father is too loud."
"Yea, OK."
Would you like an escort? Are you asking my permission? What is with all the check in's?????
Monday:
Nothing off except for before she went to bed. She stopped on her way out of my room and looked back.
"I wish we could have done something this weekend." extremely sad and puppy dogish
"Like what?"
"I don't know. Just something." random sighs
"Mom, I work Friday and Saturday, then Sunday is laundry and cleaning day."
"I know. OK, I guess I'll see you next week"
"Your gonna see me on Friday."
"Yea, next week."
WTF?! Friday is in 4 days!
Sad/disappointed face...closed the door...off to bed.
She wasn't as bad the next weekend, but this past weekend...we are headed into a bad cycle. My asshole father did an asshole thing. Created drama that was uncalled for and he did it on purpose.
I'm ready to punch him in the face and tell him to go fuck himself. I'm almost to the point where I wanna be cruel and say "Now I know why your other kids want nothing to do with you!"
I would never though. I'm not a cruel person. I can be a serious bitch, but never straight up cruel.
So now, the monster is in weird mode. Not very talkative and when she is it's cold. Shit. Awesome.
The only light for me at the moment is that there is a possibility that I may be out of the cave soon. I'm hoping to all that is holy this happens, but I'm waiting with baited breath at the moment.
So much stress, so much anxiety.
I'm doing the best I can with dealing with it all.
Just hope things work out the way I want them too.
There have been ups and downs with the monster (of course). I'm in a down cycle now.
There's also a few changes around the bend that I'm hoping will come to pass.
My hatred for the VI has increased as well. Thinking of changing his name to Shit Fuck. Thoughts are welcome.
A few weeks back the monster was on a "good" cycle.
I'm going to call them cycles from now on and the reason is because she spins or at least leaves me spinning.
Good cycles, her attitude is basically..."Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
Bad cycles, she's out of control, no one can catch up and all hell breaks loose eventually.
Good Cycle:
These are starting to become a serious pain in the ass.
It started on a Friday night and continued through to Monday.
Friday, I got home from work at 12:10a. As I was driving around the corner I could see her standing on the screened-in porch watching me pull into the drive way. I opened the car door and as soon as I did I hear...
"Hi dear"
"Hey mom."
I start up the stairs...
"Why are you home late?"
"What do you mean? I get home around this time every night."
"No, it's 10 past you usually get home around 10 of."
"Really? I stayed and talked to some of the girls."
"Oh."
I walk in, chewing gum.
"What's with the gum?"
"I felt like chewing gum."
"Oh."
I walk past her and into the house. She follows very closely behind me.
"So what's going on?"
"Nothing, I just got in and I have to put my stuff away."
"Oh. How was your day?"
"Fine....why are you up my ass?"
"I don't know. Huh.."
We head upstairs, she takes a bath, then goes to bed.
Ugh. The last thing someone wants after working until midnight, is to come home and to walk in to a wall of what the fuck.
Saturday:
I don't really remember it. I think I may have voluntarily blocked it out.
What I do recall is that she begged to make my lunch and when I got to work there was the classic "I love you, Mom" note.
Then once home...yea, no idea. Total hole in the memory.
Sunday:
Now this day was ridiculous. By the end of the night I was on the verge of jumping out the 3rd story window after crying till I almost puked. Just frustrating.
The day started normally enough and she was in a good mood.
I sat downstairs every once in a while and shot the shit with her. Made sure I was "around" so she couldn't complain later.
After dinner the VI asked me to look something up online. The monster started to argue that I could do it later and he didn't need to know right away.
I said I'll just go look now (perfect reason to be away from them for a bit). I went upstairs, but slowly so I could listen to the argument going on downstairs.
"Why did you want that, like, right now?"
"What's the big deal? It'll take 2 seconds?"
"I wanted her to stay down here with me!"
I looked up what I had to look up and then went back downstairs, hesitantly.
I stayed down a bit longer and then went back upstairs to relax. This was around 6p.
around 7-7:30p the vi went to bed. After the monster tucked him in, yes...she tucks him in. No lie.
I can understand kissing him when he goes to bed or if he's already laying down, but she legit tucks him in.
Sometimes she'll even run upstairs ahead of him and hide in the closet or under the bed.
Someone is a regular passenger on the crazy train.
She finishes, then opens my door. The following comments were made in this order and each time my door just opened, followed by her head poking in. No knocking whatsoever. Privacy? What's privacy?
"I'm going downstairs to clean out the dishwasher"
1/2 hour later
"I'm going to run my bathwater."
10 min. later
"I'm going downstairs to have my poo poo tea (don't ask). I'll be back soon."
1/2 hour later
"I'm gonna take a bath."
15 minutes later
"I'm going down to Nana's for a bit to do my hair and watch TV."
About 10p she comes back upstairs, comes into my room, sits down and starts asking questions.
"Foxwoods told me that I need to call them on the 1st to get any new deals. You think you can go online and see if they are available yet?"
"If they told you to wait till the 1st of the month then the soonest I'd see anything is at midnight."
"Oh no really? You can't see anything online?"
"No mom. As great as the Internet is, unfortunately it's not a portal into the future."
*add depressed sigh and facial expression from her*
Silence
"Oh! I know! I have been trying to find my spray hair gel, but it's been sold out. Can you go online to try and find it?"
Now it's well past her bed time, she's been up my butt all weekend. I'm ready for some me time which clearly isn't coming as quickly as I'd like it to.
"No mom. It's 10:10p...you're usually in bed now."
Sigh..."OK." Silence..."Your sure about Foxwoods?"
"Yes."
Silence
"Let me just go get the bottle and just check real quick to see if you can find it anywhere. I'll buy 3 if you do."
"Oh my god mom!"
She walks back into my room and hands me the bottle.
L'Oreal is out of stock.
"It's no where mom. Even L'Oreal is out."
"So what does that mean?"
"It means it's not available."
"So I can't get it anywhere?"
"No. It's sold out. If the vendor doesn't have it, no one has it"
"Well, what do you mean?"
"I MEAN IT CEASES TO BE! NO MORE!"
"Well for god sake! Every time I fall in love with something they discontinue it. Just my luck. Now what am I gonna do?"
"Find something else."
*add hugely obvious eye roll from me*
She then sits down on my bed again. Silence. Then the moment I seriously thought my mother was high.
She starts clapping in a way that sounds like snapping. She placed her hands together in a praying manner, locked her thumbs together and then started clapping only her fingers together.
She was enthralled.
"Oh my god Melis! Listen! Do you hear that?"
"Hear what? You're clapping."
"It sounds like my bones are hitting."
"Your bones?"
"Yea. Listen! That's so weird."
"Mom, does it hurt?"
"No."
"Then your not cracking your bones together."
"Oh. Well it's still weird."
"Your creating an air pocket and clapping your fingers is just breaking the air."
"Wow...so strange."
"OK mom...baby needs to go to sleep. It's way past your bedtime."
She laughed. Finally got up after sitting there for another 10 min. or so.
She left and I waited for her bedroom door to close....then I cried.
I just sat there and cried. Built up over the weekend with her, other personal issues, and regular stress.
I took off my glasses, cried into my hands, and started rubbing my face. Thank god I did that!
As soon as I started rubbing...guess what?
My fucking door opened!
"I'm going to sleep downstairs your father is too loud."
"Yea, OK."
Would you like an escort? Are you asking my permission? What is with all the check in's?????
Monday:
Nothing off except for before she went to bed. She stopped on her way out of my room and looked back.
"I wish we could have done something this weekend." extremely sad and puppy dogish
"Like what?"
"I don't know. Just something." random sighs
"Mom, I work Friday and Saturday, then Sunday is laundry and cleaning day."
"I know. OK, I guess I'll see you next week"
"Your gonna see me on Friday."
"Yea, next week."
WTF?! Friday is in 4 days!
Sad/disappointed face...closed the door...off to bed.
She wasn't as bad the next weekend, but this past weekend...we are headed into a bad cycle. My asshole father did an asshole thing. Created drama that was uncalled for and he did it on purpose.
I'm ready to punch him in the face and tell him to go fuck himself. I'm almost to the point where I wanna be cruel and say "Now I know why your other kids want nothing to do with you!"
I would never though. I'm not a cruel person. I can be a serious bitch, but never straight up cruel.
So now, the monster is in weird mode. Not very talkative and when she is it's cold. Shit. Awesome.
The only light for me at the moment is that there is a possibility that I may be out of the cave soon. I'm hoping to all that is holy this happens, but I'm waiting with baited breath at the moment.
So much stress, so much anxiety.
I'm doing the best I can with dealing with it all.
Just hope things work out the way I want them too.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Bipolar birthday :(:
Here we go again.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong here. I'm at a loss.
Saturday night I come home from work and the monster was getting ready to go upstairs. I was searching for my house keys while she was staring at me. Finally she came to the door and unlocked it...
"Hi." she said pretty quickly.
She said she was headed upstairs since she was done with everything down here. I followed her up and we chatted for a bit, but it was warm and she was going to be taking a bath so I went in my room.
I waited until about 12:45a and then I went to check and make sure she didn't fall asleep in the tub. Well, she was already in bed.
This is weird since she always comes into my room to say good night.
I go and wake her up asking why she didn't come into my room, her reason was that she was waiting for me to come out. She figured I didn't want to be bothered since I went so quickly into my room and shut the door. Ummm, it was about 85-90 degrees upstairs, the last place I wanted to be was in a sauna like bathroom with a naked monster in the tub.
Seriously??
I said "You always come into my room and it was hot."
She just repeated herself so I let it be, kissed her good night and left.
Sunday.
I had stayed up late so I slept late. I woke up at noon, got dressed, headed downstairs, and said hello to both the vi and monster. It felt awkward so I left and headed to the spa.
I got back to the house and they were on the porch so I went out and sat with them for a bit, then came upstairs to change and get my laundry started. Went down, put in laundry, got a drink, ask when dinner would ready, then went back up to strip my bed and chill for a bit. After my first load was done and folded with the second in the washer...dinner was done.
I helped carved the roast, got drinks, etc. Sat, had dinner, helped clean a bit and then went upstairs.
Once I got up here I got hit with the start of a migraine so I fell asleep for about an hour or so. Vi and the monster were watching TV. I woke up changed over my stuff to the dryer...came back up and napped a little more.
I woke up to hearing my mother out on the porch "wooooing" to this kid in the neighborhood she's befriended. He's a sweet kid, 12 yrs old, with autism. He loves my parents.
I went downstairs, put in my last load of laundry, then went out on the porch.
I sat out there for about an hour or so.
After I finished my laundry and came upstairs since she was gonna get her bath and the vi was going to bed.
The monster had been acting weird all day, but had yet to say anything to me, so I have let it alone.
My mistake came when she went down to my Nana's apartment.
I went down to make a snack and monster was still in the kitchen. I place my bottle of Kahlua on the table and she went downstairs.
I snuck down the first flight of stairs and could hear them perfectly. Apparently I was no where to be found today. The monster told her that I had stayed in my room all day and left her alone. Just sat in my chair and never came down. Then she goes on to tell her that she snuck a peak at my father's bday card to her. She is pissed since it reads "To someone special." She is thinking of ripping it up, but may just mention her birthday card, as if he hasn't purchased one yet, and how to make sure it says "To my loving wife."
I had also asked monster what she wanted for dinner Monday night to celebrate her birthday since I will be working on Tuesday. All she could say was "I don't know, haven't thought of it, but I'll let you know."
So after hearing this little conversation I now feel it's necessary to kiss her ass tomorrow. I am going to go out get a card (was going to anyway), buy a cake at the bakery (vi usually does, but so far nothing), and then figure out what to make her for dinner. I understand that it's her birthday and these things should be done anyway, but wtf is her husband doing????
Nothing!
I'm going to be doing it all. I'm sorry, but my belief is that if it's your husband/wife's birthday you take care of everything...a great dinner whether homemade or restaurant, you get or make a cake, you get a present/card, etc....
But I have to do all of this because he won't...in fact he'll say to me "What did you get for your mother"
"You should make dinner for her tonight."
"Did you make a cake? Are you gonna get her one?"
Are you kidding me?
Fine. I'll do it. I have to kiss her ass anyway before she fucking explodes for no good god damn reason again.
How much you wanna bet she'll still think I suck come Monday night?
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Monsters and Migraines...
If you've never had a migraine it's hard to understand what someone is going through. The pain can range from sharp throbbing to the possibility you may witness your eye popping out of your head and running down the street to find a safe place to hide, extreme light sensitivity, emotional breaks (mostly crying), exhaustion, and sometimes neediness (for me this comes in the form of needing to be held). It's different for everyone, but the pain itself is usually the same; relentless.
I have been blessed with chronic migraines...you're jealous, I know, but not everyone can handle this special kind of awesomeness. I've had MRI's, CAT Scans, been on prescription meds, etc. Nothing shows up and nothing works except good old Excedrin Migraine and quiet.
It's torture. Living with the monster and vi doesn't make it any easier.
When I lived on my own with jello I got them frequently and they were horrible. I was at least able to stay home, rest, hide under the covers, and at night jello would keep the lights off and only use candles until I was able to handle anything brighter.
Living in the cave is another story. I'm on edge all the time, I "relax" at work, god forbid I'm running late getting ready for work because then vi comes upstairs and bangs the door trying to figure out if I've died.
The monster is clueless. She's never had a migraine before and never really pays attention when I try to explain them to her. I've called her out on this many times before and she has admitted that she doesn't listen to me most of the time. Acceptance is the first step, right?
I call her today to explain that I'm in pain. I may stay home if it doesn't get better. I have only stayed home once since moving here in November because I can't handle being here when I'm sick. They don't leave me alone. She's checks on me every hour, offers me food even after I've told her I can't stomach it right now, makes comments asking why am I in the dark, comes over and rubs my head....
ATTENTION! Unless you are requested to do so, when someone has a migraine you DO NOT touch their head!! That's like sticking a finger in an open wound! You only do this if you want to lose an appendage.
Sometimes you need the comfort, but most times you just want to be in the dark alone. She doesn't get it. It never sticks no matter how many times I tell her.
So, I force myself to go to work. I load up on Excedrin Migraine, caffeine, a hope, and a prayer. Most days it works even though I get the shakes and it becomes a game trying to type, but hell the pain is gone. Other days, I'm not so lucky and I try to make it to 9:30p-10p when I know she went to bed and I leave work early.
Those of you who get migraines...I'm sorry.
Those of you who don't...you're lucky.
I have been blessed with chronic migraines...you're jealous, I know, but not everyone can handle this special kind of awesomeness. I've had MRI's, CAT Scans, been on prescription meds, etc. Nothing shows up and nothing works except good old Excedrin Migraine and quiet.
It's torture. Living with the monster and vi doesn't make it any easier.
When I lived on my own with jello I got them frequently and they were horrible. I was at least able to stay home, rest, hide under the covers, and at night jello would keep the lights off and only use candles until I was able to handle anything brighter.
Living in the cave is another story. I'm on edge all the time, I "relax" at work, god forbid I'm running late getting ready for work because then vi comes upstairs and bangs the door trying to figure out if I've died.
The monster is clueless. She's never had a migraine before and never really pays attention when I try to explain them to her. I've called her out on this many times before and she has admitted that she doesn't listen to me most of the time. Acceptance is the first step, right?
I call her today to explain that I'm in pain. I may stay home if it doesn't get better. I have only stayed home once since moving here in November because I can't handle being here when I'm sick. They don't leave me alone. She's checks on me every hour, offers me food even after I've told her I can't stomach it right now, makes comments asking why am I in the dark, comes over and rubs my head....
ATTENTION! Unless you are requested to do so, when someone has a migraine you DO NOT touch their head!! That's like sticking a finger in an open wound! You only do this if you want to lose an appendage.
Sometimes you need the comfort, but most times you just want to be in the dark alone. She doesn't get it. It never sticks no matter how many times I tell her.
So, I force myself to go to work. I load up on Excedrin Migraine, caffeine, a hope, and a prayer. Most days it works even though I get the shakes and it becomes a game trying to type, but hell the pain is gone. Other days, I'm not so lucky and I try to make it to 9:30p-10p when I know she went to bed and I leave work early.
Those of you who get migraines...I'm sorry.
Those of you who don't...you're lucky.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Midnight rides with a side of selective memory for the win...
Ever since my truck has been in the shop I have been driving this adorable clown car of a rental. The Nissan Cube. I love it! It always looks like it's smiling at you.
My friend Candy has been intrigued by the Cube for a little while now so I offered to let her test drive it in the parking lot at work. She gladly excepted and jumped in.
After she was done she got out, we said our goodbye's and home we each went.
When I got home I parked and started gathering my things in the passenger seat. I noticed an extra cell phone and of course, me being me, the first thought in my head was that my Blackberry had given birth, but Candy had left her phone in my car accidentally.
I went upstairs to my room knowing I'd get her on Facebook. We decided we would meet halfway between our places that night so she could get it back and this is where the fun began.
The monster begged, almost pleaded to go with me on the ride. I explained to her that I was taking a 10 min. drive up the street and I'd be right back. Nothing special. The answer I got back...
"What daughter says no to her mother when she wants to go for a ride with her?"
My answer...
"This one. I'll be back!"
Before I left, the monster demanded that I take a picture of her so Candy knew she wanted to say hello, but at the same time wanted Candy to know she was upset she couldn't meet her.
Yes folks. This is the monster in all her nightly, before bed glory. Just like the Mona Lisa. A work of crazy ass art.
If I ever look like this in my 60's...someone please put me out of my misery.
To be honest, this is the exact look both she and my Nana were photographed giving at my wedding, during the ceremony. Lovely.
Now the VI.
Today that old bastard almost made me scream. Nothing out of the norm of course.
Now he has moved my rental numerous times. It's a keyless entry and push button ignition. No keys at all are needed for this car. Fucking awesome!
Well, today, after moving my car 4 times, he apparently forgot how to get in it. I hear him stomp upstairs which is then followed my a banging on my door. When I say banging, I mean the door is in jeopardy of falling to the floor. I say "What?!" about 3 times, the last one loud and filled with attitude.
He comes in finally and the first words out of his mouth are...
"Hey, don't give me attitude."
Really? I think anyone would give attitude after answering someone 2 other times, yet the person never heard them. Deaf son of a bitch needs to get a hearing aide. He's in denial.
OK, I understand. Getting old is tough, but damn it, just go with it!
He then starts asking for my keys. I explained that there are no keys for the car.
"I can't get in to the car. I need the keys."
"Dad, there are no keys, it's a keyless vehicle."
"Well I can't get in."
"Did you hit the button on the door?"
"What button?"
"The black button on the handle."
"Yeah and it didn't work. I've moved it 4 times already. I need the keys."
"Dad. It's a keyless car. If you've moved it already, how did you get in the car in the first place?"
He leaves and goes downstairs. Annoyed and amused to see this in action I climbed on my bed and looked out the window to watch.
He goes to the car and starts trying to open the door. He looks up, knowing I'm watching, looks at the car door, does something, tries the handle again, then gives up.
I run downstairs with the little fob to manually unlock it for him. He goes back downstairs, gets in the car, and then....nothing.
I hear him walk back up the stairs again.
"It won't start."
"What do you mean it won't start?"
"It's not starting. I've moved it 4 times already, but for some reason it won't start."
"Did you have your foot on the break while you hit the button?"
"Yeah."
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
UGH! I go downstairs in my jammies, get in my car, and start that bitch right up!
I move it behind his car.
The whole time I'm doing this he is watching me with this blank expression. I felt kinda like a super hero.
I get out of the car walk to the stairs and while I passed him I repeated myself.
"You had your foot on the break while you hit the start button?"
"Yea...I don't know why it didn't start."
"Hmmm, yea, sure you don't."
I think he is OK for a few hours when he wakes up and then everything slowly starts to roll downhill. The later the day gets the less memory he has....I'm sure most is selective.
They both went to bed before 8pm tonight. It is so peaceful.
This weekend has made me feel content, happy, almost like things are going in the right direction finally. I'm hoping it stays this way.
Actually that's a lie. I'm hoping it gets even better, but I'm sure many folks will understand when I say I'm still hesitant.
My friend Candy has been intrigued by the Cube for a little while now so I offered to let her test drive it in the parking lot at work. She gladly excepted and jumped in.
After she was done she got out, we said our goodbye's and home we each went.
When I got home I parked and started gathering my things in the passenger seat. I noticed an extra cell phone and of course, me being me, the first thought in my head was that my Blackberry had given birth, but Candy had left her phone in my car accidentally.
I went upstairs to my room knowing I'd get her on Facebook. We decided we would meet halfway between our places that night so she could get it back and this is where the fun began.
The monster begged, almost pleaded to go with me on the ride. I explained to her that I was taking a 10 min. drive up the street and I'd be right back. Nothing special. The answer I got back...
"What daughter says no to her mother when she wants to go for a ride with her?"
My answer...
"This one. I'll be back!"
Before I left, the monster demanded that I take a picture of her so Candy knew she wanted to say hello, but at the same time wanted Candy to know she was upset she couldn't meet her.
If I ever look like this in my 60's...someone please put me out of my misery.
To be honest, this is the exact look both she and my Nana were photographed giving at my wedding, during the ceremony. Lovely.
Now the VI.
Today that old bastard almost made me scream. Nothing out of the norm of course.
Now he has moved my rental numerous times. It's a keyless entry and push button ignition. No keys at all are needed for this car. Fucking awesome!
Well, today, after moving my car 4 times, he apparently forgot how to get in it. I hear him stomp upstairs which is then followed my a banging on my door. When I say banging, I mean the door is in jeopardy of falling to the floor. I say "What?!" about 3 times, the last one loud and filled with attitude.
He comes in finally and the first words out of his mouth are...
"Hey, don't give me attitude."
Really? I think anyone would give attitude after answering someone 2 other times, yet the person never heard them. Deaf son of a bitch needs to get a hearing aide. He's in denial.
OK, I understand. Getting old is tough, but damn it, just go with it!
He then starts asking for my keys. I explained that there are no keys for the car.
"I can't get in to the car. I need the keys."
"Dad, there are no keys, it's a keyless vehicle."
"Well I can't get in."
"Did you hit the button on the door?"
"What button?"
"The black button on the handle."
"Yeah and it didn't work. I've moved it 4 times already. I need the keys."
"Dad. It's a keyless car. If you've moved it already, how did you get in the car in the first place?"
He leaves and goes downstairs. Annoyed and amused to see this in action I climbed on my bed and looked out the window to watch.
He goes to the car and starts trying to open the door. He looks up, knowing I'm watching, looks at the car door, does something, tries the handle again, then gives up.
I run downstairs with the little fob to manually unlock it for him. He goes back downstairs, gets in the car, and then....nothing.
I hear him walk back up the stairs again.
"It won't start."
"What do you mean it won't start?"
"It's not starting. I've moved it 4 times already, but for some reason it won't start."
"Did you have your foot on the break while you hit the button?"
"Yeah."
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
UGH! I go downstairs in my jammies, get in my car, and start that bitch right up!
I move it behind his car.
The whole time I'm doing this he is watching me with this blank expression. I felt kinda like a super hero.
I get out of the car walk to the stairs and while I passed him I repeated myself.
"You had your foot on the break while you hit the start button?"
"Yea...I don't know why it didn't start."
"Hmmm, yea, sure you don't."
I think he is OK for a few hours when he wakes up and then everything slowly starts to roll downhill. The later the day gets the less memory he has....I'm sure most is selective.
They both went to bed before 8pm tonight. It is so peaceful.
This weekend has made me feel content, happy, almost like things are going in the right direction finally. I'm hoping it stays this way.
Actually that's a lie. I'm hoping it gets even better, but I'm sure many folks will understand when I say I'm still hesitant.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I like my emotions shaken, not stirred...
This past week has been an emotional cocktail...it's a never ending roller coaster ride.
Between the frustration of my monster and vi with constant questions, concerns, comments about the wedding, my schedule, my truck (needs repairs)...I never got to breathe.
Then working overtime, unplanned at that...trying to be happy and upbeat during the week for my friend, having my heart broken yet again, and then getting no sleep before the wedding and carrying through with the actual day. It has been hard to say the least.
So to begin:
My best friend got married on Saturday and I was the Maid of Honor. It was stressful, expensive, tiring, but it was all worth it to see the smile on her face as she walked down the aisle.
All weddings are expensive no matter what, but the stress is ridiculous!
I'm talking for myself of course. Between having to walk down that aisle with eyes on you, fearing each step I'll land flat on my face, then being introduced at the reception, to having to give a speech in front of 160 people! Thank god I didn't pee my pants.
My stress and fear was nothing compared to hers, I'm sure. But her and I both know she made a wonderful decision in marrying her man. He's an amazing guy. They are 2 peas in a pod.
They are now in Sicily enjoying an incredible honeymoon. Jealous is an understatement. She better get me a souvenir!
My truck needs about $2000.00 worth of work. I'm willing to pay cus I love it and monthly car payments are out of the question since I want to get the hell out of dodge as soon as possible. There are little perks that have made it a tolerable, such as a discount from Nissan since my father used to work there and still has friends in the right places, and my rental. I got a Cube! I basically am driving Cindi's car, right down to the color. I love it. Super cute, roomy, and turns on a dime. Smoooooooth ride.
Of course, the vi puts in his 2 cents every time he sees me.
"It's ugly."
"Ya know I hate that car. Why are you driving it?"
Really? Why am I driving it? It's a little thing called a job...have to have one. Douche.
It's also tough lately since I've entered a kind of depressive state. No matter what I do, it's a chore. I just want to stay in bed. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm lucky if I can stomach 1 meal in a day (one hell of a weight lose plan!). Now, I do understand that what is in my head may be the opposite of reality. I analyze things to death. It's a huge flaw I have and most women have it. It comes on when there is no communication, nothing to dowse the flames of doubt. I guess to ready yourself for the worst is always the best thing to do. It's hard though, you can't just flip a switch and pretend everything is fine. If life was that easy we wouldn't appreciate the little things it has to offer.
Now if you are chomping at the bit for info on the Monster, there's plenty. She's sporadically jumped the crazy fence numerous times over the last week. I'm not sure if the woman is getting Alzheimer's or not, but how many times do you have to tell someone your in a wedding that week before they actually remember. She's a goldfish who's surprised by the plastic castle every time. 3 second memory.
Then to top that off, to call me each day, even when I'm with the bride. Are you serious? Can you not handle my absence for 1 day? She even admitted she wanted to call me during the ceremony...someone needs a swift kick in the ass.
I arrived back home after the wedding and informed my monster that I had not slept for 24 hrs. I was exhausted and wanted to go right to bed. Well, that wasn't acceptable. She started commenting on how wonderful I looked, why didn't I do my makeup everyday cus I look like a model and would get so much more attention if I just took care of myself more, was that really how Cindi decided to have my hair cus it was so flat (rain does that moron), Oh look at your nails, etc.
I put a little attitude into comments and that finally gave her the hint cus the next words out of her mouth were...
"Go upstairs, go to bed. That's what you want so go."
Thanks! I appreciate your concern...off I go!
5 hours later she's waking me up only for me to shower and fall back to sleep for 10 more hours.
I have a little break from both of them Thursday night since they are going to MGM Foxwoods for the night, but that really does me no good since I'm working anyway. Bleck.
I guess just knowing they are gone will make all the difference. I can only hope.
I wish so many things in my life were easier. I'm sure one day they will be, but for now I can only hope, pray, and fight.
Between the frustration of my monster and vi with constant questions, concerns, comments about the wedding, my schedule, my truck (needs repairs)...I never got to breathe.
Then working overtime, unplanned at that...trying to be happy and upbeat during the week for my friend, having my heart broken yet again, and then getting no sleep before the wedding and carrying through with the actual day. It has been hard to say the least.
So to begin:
My best friend got married on Saturday and I was the Maid of Honor. It was stressful, expensive, tiring, but it was all worth it to see the smile on her face as she walked down the aisle.
All weddings are expensive no matter what, but the stress is ridiculous!
I'm talking for myself of course. Between having to walk down that aisle with eyes on you, fearing each step I'll land flat on my face, then being introduced at the reception, to having to give a speech in front of 160 people! Thank god I didn't pee my pants.
My stress and fear was nothing compared to hers, I'm sure. But her and I both know she made a wonderful decision in marrying her man. He's an amazing guy. They are 2 peas in a pod.
They are now in Sicily enjoying an incredible honeymoon. Jealous is an understatement. She better get me a souvenir!
My truck needs about $2000.00 worth of work. I'm willing to pay cus I love it and monthly car payments are out of the question since I want to get the hell out of dodge as soon as possible. There are little perks that have made it a tolerable, such as a discount from Nissan since my father used to work there and still has friends in the right places, and my rental. I got a Cube! I basically am driving Cindi's car, right down to the color. I love it. Super cute, roomy, and turns on a dime. Smoooooooth ride.
Of course, the vi puts in his 2 cents every time he sees me.
"It's ugly."
"Ya know I hate that car. Why are you driving it?"
Really? Why am I driving it? It's a little thing called a job...have to have one. Douche.
It's also tough lately since I've entered a kind of depressive state. No matter what I do, it's a chore. I just want to stay in bed. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm lucky if I can stomach 1 meal in a day (one hell of a weight lose plan!). Now, I do understand that what is in my head may be the opposite of reality. I analyze things to death. It's a huge flaw I have and most women have it. It comes on when there is no communication, nothing to dowse the flames of doubt. I guess to ready yourself for the worst is always the best thing to do. It's hard though, you can't just flip a switch and pretend everything is fine. If life was that easy we wouldn't appreciate the little things it has to offer.
Now if you are chomping at the bit for info on the Monster, there's plenty. She's sporadically jumped the crazy fence numerous times over the last week. I'm not sure if the woman is getting Alzheimer's or not, but how many times do you have to tell someone your in a wedding that week before they actually remember. She's a goldfish who's surprised by the plastic castle every time. 3 second memory.
Then to top that off, to call me each day, even when I'm with the bride. Are you serious? Can you not handle my absence for 1 day? She even admitted she wanted to call me during the ceremony...someone needs a swift kick in the ass.
I arrived back home after the wedding and informed my monster that I had not slept for 24 hrs. I was exhausted and wanted to go right to bed. Well, that wasn't acceptable. She started commenting on how wonderful I looked, why didn't I do my makeup everyday cus I look like a model and would get so much more attention if I just took care of myself more, was that really how Cindi decided to have my hair cus it was so flat (rain does that moron), Oh look at your nails, etc.
I put a little attitude into comments and that finally gave her the hint cus the next words out of her mouth were...
"Go upstairs, go to bed. That's what you want so go."
Thanks! I appreciate your concern...off I go!
5 hours later she's waking me up only for me to shower and fall back to sleep for 10 more hours.
I have a little break from both of them Thursday night since they are going to MGM Foxwoods for the night, but that really does me no good since I'm working anyway. Bleck.
I guess just knowing they are gone will make all the difference. I can only hope.
I wish so many things in my life were easier. I'm sure one day they will be, but for now I can only hope, pray, and fight.
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