In every life a little rain must fall....

Nothing makes you want your own place so badly than a full day with your parents after they come home from vacation.
The monster has been great.  No crazy sporadic attitude changes thank god, but that will soon come back.
The vi however is making me slightly nervous and extremely annoyed.
The man has this problem where he has to make comments that just get under my skin.  I'm a pretty laid back person.  It takes a lot to annoy me or seriously piss me off, but today was a mixture of annoyance, making me angry, and this was clearly all on purpose.
I know he thinks he's funny sometimes and they are mostly harmless stupid statements, but over the years there have been times when he makes comments and it's clear he is headed for some kind of mental break.  Not sure how to word it exactly, but it makes me very nervous.
As I've mentioned in one of my past blogs, the vi has a tendency of having these outbursts or freak outs.  Before these happen there is usually some weird behavior or nasty comments in rapid succession over a period days.
Well, the comments have begun.  He tried to pick a fight with me all day.  All I could do was walk away when I felt myself ready to scream at him.  He just laughed at my frustration and as soon as he saw me again...he started in with the same shit.
I'm hoping this is a false alarm and today he just felt like being a dick, but the past has proven to me there is always something lurking in the dark.
I'm scared to find out what he may do during the next freak out.  Last time was Christmas about 2 years ago when he screamed at my mother calling her a c**t, tried to get me to hit him, and then took off.  The fear of having to leave my mother alone with him later that night once he came back home was overwhelming.  At least I'll be here if it happens again, but he's hit me in the past, never her...so what will I do if he ever hits me again?
Will I hit back?  Will I be so scared I do nothing?
These are not thoughts I want to have, but his behavior today forces me to have them.
I think the best thing for me to do is lay low...stay away from him as much as possible and when I do have to see him I will keep my mouth shut and head down.
What comes to mind is: Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil.

Whipped Cream Vodka and Praline Bacon...

It has been 6 months in the making....

Chomping at the bit and anxiety ridden...

4 and a half days of nothing but peace, quiet, freedom, drinking, cooking, taking care of myself, and getting to the point where I can finally just breathe and relax.

That's right....

Monster and Vi are on vacation in Florida!

I didn't realize, I mean truly realize, how wonderful it is to just be alone.  To have my own space and not have to worry about a banging at my bedroom door, a yell up the stairs, nagging, dumb ass questions, or watching the vi pretend to have a heart attack every time he walks up the stairs.

Wednesday, May 25...it began.

I woke up to...nothing.  Not a peep.  Complete silence.

I had to take a minute to adjust to my surroundings.  I laid in bed and didn't get out until 1:30pm.

Went to work, came home and that is when it hit me.

Knowing no one was home...any sound turned me into a ninja.  I ran like a child to and from the bathroom through the dark hallway.  Jumped into bed thinking a zombie will grab my feet.  Tossed and turned all night cus the monster in the closet was watching me.

Thursday, May 26...the "ah ha" moment.

I woke up, again basking in the glory.

I went downstairs and into the kitchen.  I stopped.  Just stood there in my jammies.  I walked around the rooms....kitchen, dining room, hall, bathroom, living room, back to the kitchen.   This is all while smiling like a severely delusional mental patient (without the drooling).

I took out hamburger and started making...yes cooking...my lunch for the night of work ahead of me.

While the hamburg was browning I put the spoon down, lifted my arms above my head, and in my best choir voice "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" just like singing angels in heaven.

Went to work, had a great night.  Came home, had a drink and said F you to the monster in the closet, zombie under the bed, and the dark hallway...took a sleeping pill and passed out!

Friday, May 27...extreme freedom!

Took the day off to enjoy a full "vacation" day of my own.  I drove to Dedham to meet Cindi and Johanna for clothes shopping for Cin's honeymoon.  Great day...between ice cream, dresses, making sales women fall in love with us, to coming home with Cin, drinking, cooking, laughing, TV, and Blogging, I actually have fooled myself into believing this is going to last.. HAHAHAHAHA....I'm silly.

Saturday, May 28...all good things must come to an end.

Sadly, when Cindi and I wake in the morning it will be the last few hours I will have to enjoy.  She will leave when I leave for work.  Within an hour or so after I arrive home...they will be back.  sigh.

I needed this.

I needed time to be with myself...have fun, laugh, etc.

I have to clear my mind of things that have been clogging me up for so long.

I have decisions that still need to be made, but it's nice to have down time...time to allow my mind to be free.

If you don't allow yourself to bask in the little things in life or venture down the road of personal happiness...no matter who is in your life, you'll never enjoy yours.  

So tonight is about Whipped cream Vodka, praline bacon, and deciding to fight for what makes me happy.

The apology heard 'round the world

Today started like any other day, quiet.
I slept later than I have been, woke up and laid in silence for a bit. 
12:30p came around and my bestie called on her lunch break to chat. 
Around 1:30p I heard the house phone ring downstairs and then the ominous footsteps of the vi coming upstairs.  He pounded on the door, came in, and then wrapped the phone in my blankets before he spoke.
"Your mother is on the phone and wants to talk to you.  Don't get her upset cus she was crying again last night."
Yup, my fault again.  Even though I was the one to come up with ideas and thoughts about how to "fix" things it's still all me.
I get on the phone and surprisingly the monster is cheerful.
She says "Hi dear!"
I say hello...she then says "I'm sorry." followed by what sounds like muffled crying.
She composes herself and goes into a description of her life with my Nana.

Growing up with my Nana was very hard for her.  Between abuse to favoritism she never had a relationship with my Nana until she was in her 30's.  Even now it's somewhat fake only due to the fact that Nana will say one thing to her or complain about something and then to either my face or the Vi's face she will say and do the exact opposite of what she told the monster.  It's hard for monster to trust and to relax when it comes to solving everyone's problems.  She also said that it's because of everything that has happened at work.  The issues she has regarding fixing problems and trusting people have obviously flowed into her thoughts about me and that's not right.  She also said that I don't do everything wrong..I do alot of right.  I always have.  She's never had to worry about whether or not I'm a good kid.  I was always trustworthy growing up and still am.  She didn't mean to make me feel so badly about myself because there is no need to.
She no longer wanted to talk about things that make us angry, but is also not sure what we can talk about.  I offered to start with figuring out what we can do together such as her helping me finish the scrapbook I'm doing for my grandfather or fix her antique makeup table.  She said "yea I guess" and maybe we can do that.
We ended the conversation on a light note...saying I love you. 
I feel good, better than I have been in awhile.  One part of my life seems to be working toward the positive now I'm just hoping the other part follows suit.

I'm not good enough...

Let's go back to Friday...
I had received my monsters letter, but had yet to say anything since I have decided I'm not going to kiss her ass anymore when she's upset.  It gets me nowhere, makes me feel crappy, but makes her happy.  Not exactly ideal.
I came home from work on Friday.  She was folding laundry in the bathroom so I put my things down and walked over to give her a hug.  She immediately tensed up and said we need to talk.  She didn't want to wait until Sunday to discuss the note, she wanted to do it now.
She requested that I move out by July 31.
She then begins to tell me that the reason she is so opinionated is because I never do anything right.  I never make the right decisions.  Choices I have made are wrong and I'm going down the wrong path.  She claims she can tell me things about my "situation", but choses not to because she knows it won't help.
Fine.
I'd prefer her to keep it to herself since most of her knowledge of certain things in my life are not true or she doesn't know the whole story.
She said to me that this year Mother's Day does not exist.  It means nothing to her.  Maybe next year will be better.  Maybe.
Between the mind fuck and the degrading, I come upstairs drained.  Take a shower.  Get in bed and cry till I fall asleep.
Saturday...some things get cleared up, but I'm still left feeling a little empty.  Unsure.  Even a little sad.
She comes home from shopping and was fine.  Good mood.  We chatted a bit and then I left for work.
I come home; again, fine.
Mother's Day...
Oh, mother's day.
She had requested time.  She wanted to "mend" what was broken and not have me on my cell or computer.
I woke up.  Stared at the ceiling willing the migraine away.  Apparently my body knew what it was in for before I even woke up.
Finally I got out of bed, separated my laundry, brought it down to the machine, and went out on the porch.
I sat down, read through the paper with both parents, had a cup of coffee.
Switched my laundry to the dryer, went back upstairs to strip and make my bed, went back down and sat on the outside porch with the monster.  I was out there about an hour talking about my friend's upcoming wedding and all I had to get ready for.  Laundry was done so I put in another load and put away the first.
Now up until this point, she was somewhat fine.  All of a sudden it's the cold shoulder.  Hardly talking.  Sniffling from hidden crying in the bathroom.
WHAT DID I DO NOW???
Everyday I ask myself this.
I helped her with dinner and then after we ate I went to visit my Nana.  Back upstairs, monster takes a bath and heads downstairs to sleep on the couch since she has to get up at 4am.
Cold all night.
I truly have no clue what I did.  I gave her what she wanted.  Time. I tried.
One of the problems, my Nana told me about, is that monster complains that she has never seen me cry.  Tell me why exactly I would want to do that in front of her?  Everything I do is wrong, right?
So as I'm writing this I hear crying coming from downstairs...I go down and hold her while she howls.
We talk for about 2 hours in the dark.  She's depressed and doesn't know what went wrong.  Throughout the conversation I'm thinking about my life at that moment.  With her and other parts of my life.  I just don't feel like I'm good enough.  I guess that's what it comes down to.  All my feelings in a ball come down to that one phrase....I'm not good enough.
At the end of it all she agrees with me about trying to start slowly and rebuilding a relationship.  I'm drained and tired.  She's still depressed and hesitantly decides to go to sleep.
Finally alone...sitting in silence, I just want to walk away from it all.

Mother's Day Extravaganza!

Walked in from work tonight and found this note under my door:

To this Mother's Daughter

Mother's Day this year is about the bond between a mother and the only child this mother will ever have and will ever need.  This mother has dreamed of having this child ever since she was a little girl.
For this mother, this year, it is not about material things like a card, flowers or a gift.
With this daughter coming back home it has made this mother realize that the bond between them has weakened and the door is closing quickly.
This mother is consumed with sorrow and cries often knowing they can be in a room together and never speak.  Knowing they are both uncomfortable with one another.  This mother says to herself "If I were to die tomorrow I would die of a broken heart feeling that I failed as a mother."
This Mother's Day this mother and daughter should try to mend what has been damaged.  An afternoon without a cell phone or computer.  Just both talking as mother and daughter about their feelings toward each other and what they both need/expect for a brighter tomorrow.
For this mother truly loves this beautiful daughter.
xo

WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Are you friggen serious??  This is the shit I live with.  How the hell am I supposed to sit down with this over opinionated, crazy ass, bi polar beast and talk to her about how I feel toward her and my life?  If she doesn't agree with me she shoots down my feelings or says I don't make any sense.  How am I supposed to handle this?  It just keeps getting worse.
It's tough enough that I cry myself to sleep nightly these days, but now I have to fake it and play nice for someone that drives me insane.  Awesome.