You're fucking mad!

There is so much in my head I can't seem to get a grasp on what to do next.  I can't spew everything out on social media cus it's way too much and some folks don't need to see my negative shit showing on their news feed if they don't want to so this is my therapy.  This is my dumping ground.  You have been warned.

My whole life I have tried.  I have tried to better myself in every way I could.  Every demanding, yet, "do what you want" advice from the monster has been done or considered.  If not done to her satisfaction then I didn't listen or she is disappointed in my choices.  There's never any relief from the judgement.  

My favorite thing she does to me, and this has been life long, is to get me excited about something she is going to give me or help me do then in a few hours or days she comes back with 

"Well, I've been thinking and I don't know if....blah blah blah." 

 

She gives it, enjoys the excitement she's given me, then takes it away.  I call this the roller coaster ride.  Why?  Because I get the same WOOO! feeling followed by the nausea afterwards.

The most recent and the catalyst for my new bloggy blog here is the last couple months she's offered to put a downpayment on a house for me and Tank.  She said that she is miserable up in Salem, NH without having me closer.  So in order for her to be happier and confident that I'll be okay when she dies, yes death is a preferred topic of choice on every occasion including Christmas, she wants to get me something I've always wanted and be comfortable financially.

Wow, what an offer right?  So amazing my loving parents would put such an offer on the table with no strings attached.  This is the best moment ever.  How could I ever thank them?  39 years and I still haven't learned.  Wait, maybe I have since the WOOO! feeling hadn't truly shown up.  

In the middle of house searching, Tanks baby mama, the newest monster in my life, jumps in to fuck things up yet again with her bullshit issues.  What now you may ask?  She wants to dump her son on us.  He's gotten too hard to deal with or so she claims.  The true reason?  Her youngest daughter, from an affair she had 7 years ago, is her cash cow.  She makes the most money off this kid and the father offered to get her a house down south so he can be closer to his daughter.  

Nice right?  Well, come next year, Tanks middle daughter will be graduating high school and the only kid left is the son.  She'd have to wait 2 more years to get rid of him and that's just not fast enough.  What is she to do?  Be a mother?  Hell no!  Dump his ass to get what she wants.  Fuck the kids, right?

Yea, this fucked me royally as my lovely monster refused to help since she can't be sure we can afford a new place with a child to boot.  Enter stress and depression!

Now about 2 weeks ago, the monster decided that she understood we didn't have a choice in this decision since it was either take the son or allow him to go into state custody.  Yea, bm of the year right?  For those confused, bm is baby mama not bowel movement, though they are similar.

Monster was going to find places that she deemed we could afford with or without a kid.  I was so relieved I started to cry while on the phone and driving. I don't cry often around her or anyone for that matter.  To be uncomfortable crying in front of your own mother is kind of shitty in my opinion, but that's a defense mechanism I've learned over the years.  Anyone can cry in front of me and I non-judgingly (yes, I made up a word) comfort, but if I cry in front of her or anyone I feel weak and judged.   That's another blog for another day.

Fast forward to last week.  I was on the phone with the monster and informed her that we are taking the son once school sets up transportation.  She went wild and started angrily fast talking about everything connected to Tank.  Now she demands his car be given back to the dealer before June or she is not helping us.  Awesome.

I asked for her help as Tank was on board to get rid of his car, she states she needs to back away for awhile and to get his families help.  That he needs to figure this out.  Okay, so you demand something but refuse to help?  Got it.

Last night, I text her a link to a place that is under her price for homes.  I get an email back saying: 

"That has been on the list forever 

I am not sure if I heard right - Did you say he is living with you right now?"

Umm, yea, told you that 2 weeks ago.  See the game playing here?  Oh wait, it gets better.  After I answer her, I get this heartwarming response:

"WOW dad and I are heartbroken

that was not an emergency - it could of waited till the school season started

I told you we would look for a home you could afford - but - with the both of you not with kids

If you could handle it then you could make a move with his son

again Tanks car has been an issue for years - no movement on his part, eventually you will need a vehicle - remember you don't even have a car payment - what is going to happen then?? - all this needs to be a part of our decision - we are retired and cannot take a chance with our finances - we keep wanting to help you BUT what the hell are you doing?  what is tank doing on his end - he has a motorcycle (needs parts, insurance, gas - tell him to sell it), a car he can't afford, buys new tires for a car he is supposed to be getting rid of and now his son - it could of waited until you got settled.

Next year we will see where you are at - if you need our help on making financial decisions preparing for the future let us know - even though you are not listening to us FINANCIALLY - you are listening to tank who has no clue about money - yes, show this to tank because it is the truth.

We are not mad at all - but very disappointed for you

love mom and dad xoxo

Again we are not mad!"

OH, oh so many many things to say in response.  This legit could become a novel.  Heartbroken? Fine, be heartbroken.  I've had my heart broken by you too many times to count!  No it was not an emergency, but since bm was fucking shady due to her own selfish bullshit we're stuck.  We can handle it financially with his son, but OH NO she's feels we can't so I guess she's right. Isn't she always? 

Tanks car?  Yea it's fucking stupid payment wise, but no one is helping us figure out how to get rid of it and get something less expensive so we're fucked again!  Nothing we can do.  

Tires?  Is he supposed to die then?  Cus they were bald and hazardous, but who cares!?  She doesn't.  

The bike?  That's not going anywhere so not even gonna comment.

He can't handle money? So what do you call keeping bills and rent paid when I was out of work for 8 months a few years back?  Damn he's shitty right?  Fucking low life son of a bitch.  

And if you have to say you're not mad more than once, YOU'RE FUCKING MAD.

I'm at a point where I'm about to give up.  I've been trying everything I can to get us in a better place and to keep myself positive, but I feel like I'm in a losing battle.  Between bm bitch who can't handle being an actual mother to monster dangling shit in front of me like a fucking carrot, I'm about to break.

I will rally.  I know this about myself.  Sometimes the break happens and I come back pissed off and I fuck shit up for the ones who broke me.  I can be one sadistic bitch.  If you don't know this about me you're lucky.  If you do, sorry not sorry since you clearly deserved it.  But some are about to know.  I'm not sure when or how, but it's coming for you.  

I need people who are on my side in my life.  I need close friends back, I need some sort of idea on how to get back on that path to success.  I just need love, friendship, and more life.  I need something.  I'll just be lost until I find it.

The purge

The monsters birthday was this past Saturday.  

No cake, no dinner, just wanted me to take her to Chunky's to see The Purge 2.  Fine.

We go, but it seemed weird.  I know she has aggravated me, big surprise, but we sit and watch the movie.  She's happy and all is quiet in the realm.

Except during the ride home.

We get in a small argument about Tank and how she does not like him.  I bring to her attention that she was the one who wanted him to get past their argument LAST YEAR and he did as she asked.  So now she can't get over it?  She stutters and eventually admits that no she can't and she never will.  She throws my dad into it saying he only puts up with Tank because of me....yea....what she doesn't realize is that my dad likes Tank and pretends not to around her.  

That same evening after dropping her grudge holding ass off, Tank and I head over to our friend Scoops house.  He and his wife, whom I will call Frog,  had dealt with a pretty hard situation earlier, which I will not go into here since it is not my place to talk about.  

While talking with Frog my cell phone starts to blow up....friends asking me if I had heard from anyone...

No, but now I'm worried...

I find out that a friend had decided to take her own life that morning.  

I still can't seem to find the words.  

The only thing I do know is that she was one of those people who would make time for anyone, listen when needed, help always, and smiled at everyone.  She was a beautiful soul, a delicate flower both in name and spirit.

Saying she will be missed is an understatement.  There is a hole that will be left.  

The monster went away to Foxwoods Sunday night, she called when she returned Monday afternoon.  She asked how my weekend was and I told her it was pretty rough, she then replies:

"Oh I know what you mean!  I had the weirdest encounter checking out.  Guess who was standing right next to me?  Jello!  He gave me such a big and long hug."

She continued and described the meeting in more detail than I cared to know.  After about 5 minutes she says, "So why was yours rough?"

My answer...."A friend of mine killed herself."

Silence.

Stumbling of words.

Then finally an "Oh."

Yea OH!  I could give a flying shit that you hugged my ex-husband.  You talk about him so god damn much why don't you see if you can adopt him!!  It's complete bullshit!  It's been 4-5 years since my divorce...Get The Fuck Over It!

She emailed me today saying she was "thinking of me."  yay.

I figured I would let her in on some positive news and told her that plus size model London Andrews had hired me to assist with fan emails.  I am basically a part time assistant.  She was happy, but really sounded like she had no clue what the hell I was talking about.  

I hung up with her and the next thing I know I'm getting an email from her saying how it's a bad idea to work for her and I shouldn't get involved.  

Why?

"She's a p--n star!  gross."

"No actually she's not and even if she was she's not anymore and wants me to get rid of any emails/requests regarding that."

"So what are they a fan of then??"

"Her modeling!!! Christ, I talk to photographers for her as well...some of the same places that (insert specific friend here) shoots for!"

"No comment.  Keep this one to yourself."

I'm gonna strangle a bitch.  

I'm so fed up with her shit I'm choking on it!

Why is everything I do criticized?  

She also loves to talk about the single men she knows that are my age or the men that have lots of money and are young and buying a house.  Good for them! In case you missed the TANK of a man I have...I'm good!

There has got to be a law that states once your parents start to become insane you can force them on meds!

Bitch needs a shrink and I think I may need one myself!  

I'm starting to the The Purge is a pretty good idea....

All Aboard....The Crazy Train!

Hi.
Yea I know it's been forever.  I'm not going to make an excuse cus the truth is I didn't feel like writing.
Not for lack of material of course, cus alot has been going on. 

The big news is that I'm going back to school!  As of June 23, I will be a college student majoring in Forensic Psychology.  
Whoa, yea, I know, but it's something I've always been interested in.  I like peeking into the crazy criminal mind and figuring out what makes it tick.
I'm ridiculously excited!
My man, Tank, is my cheerleader as well as my wonderful friends. I can do this!  My goal is getting my Masters at some point.

On other fronts, in a few months I may be a stepmother.  Tanks kids (there are 3) don't want to move back to Alabama with their mother.  They moved there about 3 years ago and just came back last summer, now she wants to move back.  Neither Tank, nor I, want them to leave and they don't want to go.
So, we may get all 3, 2, or 1.  Kinda taking it as it comes. 
I love those kids.
I look forward to being a step-mom legally one day.  Already planning on taking the eldest one to her first concert.

Plus, they love me, they really really love me!

Yea, yea, I know, but it's so nice to hear!  Especially from kids who have been through so much in their young lives.  

Ok, enough about me, you want Monster.  I know you do.  You can't fool me.

She has been odd.  Sliding back into her norm, but more odd as of late.
So her and Tank got into a fight last year, not sure if I mentioned it, but she wanted to get past it.  He eventually let it go, but lo and behold, she has not, even though she states she has.  SHE LIES.

She is acting the same way with Tank as she did with Jello before we were married.  She thinks I can do better and that we will never have anything.  Same old song and dance.
It's frustrating and the more I hear it the more I try to distance myself from her.

Now in the same breathe as her geriatric ravings, she wants to plan a night away in Boston for her and I, also a mother/daughter trip to New Orleans.  

Are you fucking kidding me??
In what world is it okay to down my man, who is wonderful to me and has fixed my heart beyond what I could have imagined, and then think I want to go on vacation with you?

To quote "my person" who I will call....Whitetrash Kardashian, If my monster could marry me herself, she would. 
Scary, but pretty close to the truth.
She is the type of person where no one is good enough.  You could be Prince William, but she would find something wrong with you and it's always financial with her!

She likes to throw things at me that could be quite painful if I actually cared.
Her favorite thing is to wave her money at me, like, "OH, we would have bought you a house if you weren't with 'him'" or "If you still lived here, we were going to build you a 3 season porch off of your back door."

Seriously?  Does it make you happy to act like such a douche? Is there a brain tumor making you act like an ass or is this normal behavior?

Such is my lot in life to have a crazy ass monster.  Oh well, Tank and I are on the same page and want the same things.

We will reach our dreams, with or without her help.

The Great Escape!

Hello Folks!

Long time no see...
Well I don't have to mention that I have been a busy girl the last few months.
Between my relationship with Tank, my relationship with the monster and vi, and my living situation....I'm all over the place.

Let's start with Tank.
Things are progressing nicely.  We have been together almost 9 months and are officially moving in together. We will be moving to Woburn!  House warming party details will be sent to my nearest and dearest.

Now to every one's favorite couple
The reason I am moving is because of issues between the Monster, Vi, and Tank.
Both parents have had a huge tree branch stuck up their asses since they first realized I was dating Tank.  Apparently their major issue was that I didn't discuss this with them.  Yea...really.  So I'm supposed to get their approval for whom I date?  LMAO....OH I DO NOT THINK SO.
So the stress and fighting continued through the months until we arrive to a fateful night in April.  The monster calls me upstairs and proceeds to argue with me and get in my face about how I revolve my life around the men I date.  I do? Really?  OK so that opens up a Pandora's box of bullshit I had stored away just for this perfect time.  I bring up how she never went to jello's families house during the holidays because the Vi doesn't like to go out and only wants to have dinner that the monster has cooked.
I mention how she refused to have friends because she has admitted that the Vi spoils everything and makes people uncomfortable.  I bring up how she refuses to go out during at night, even with me, because she has to be home to make the Vi dinner.  It went on and on.
She never heard me.  She continued on her rant....stating how that in order to be a strong woman I need money behind me...etc, etc.
Well, long story short, Tank heard everything.  Even the bad mouthing she did about him.
He wanted to get involved, but out of respect for me he did not.
She found out he over heard and was pissed off.  She asked him to come over that following Friday to "work things out".

Friday.
Tank showed up.  Sat at their table.  Monster says this conversation will only take 10 minutes max.

Monster: "I want you to admit you are leeching off my daughter."
Yea.  Way to start a conversation.
The argument progresses to an all out war.  Monster trying to get financial information from him, Tank telling her it's none of her business, Vi threatening to throw him off the porch, and the one sentence that rocks the cave "Yea? You and what army?"
Oh Tank....
The argument ends...Monster tells Tank to go downstairs.
The next day, Tank goes over to clear the air.  They sit down and by the end of it they are laughing and are back to normal.
I get home and head up for my normal, all be it pain in the ass, night with Monster.  She informs me that Tank had started swearing at them the night of the fight.  He was out of control.  Jekyll and Hyde.  You have no idea who he is, but he showed me exactly who he is.

Dear god I should get some kind of award or reward for how calm I stayed.  Stone faced doesn't even begin to explain.  I said to her that I'm sure everyone was swearing.  Well, that was it.  She believes I took his side with that one comment.  Take a side? I wasn't even there to know the truth...but holy shit in her mind that doesn't matter.  "We are your Parents!"
Yea?  Well I'm your daughter and your treat me like a 5 year old living in a mental home with no grounds pass or medication to pass the time.

The monster then requested to go downstairs.  We went.  It's now me, her, and Tank.  The monster looked at me and said "I want you to admit this whole issue we have with Tank is because of you."
Huh? What?  Did I hear her correctly?
My fault?  I'm sorry but the last time I checked I wasn't the bat-shit crazy one.
Bring on another battle.  This one last about 2 hours.  At the end I was so exhausted I just said "Fine, it's alllllll my fault.  I did eeeeeeverything wrong."

"You mean that?"  Monster said
"Yea. Sure."
"OK, Tank you can move in tonight."
She stood up and walked back upstairs.

What in the hell just happened?

So everything was fine after that. 2 weeks later the folks went away to Reno.  They come back a week later and surprise surprise the Monster is acting cold, distant, and very strange.
Comes to find out she says she is now afraid of Tank.
She claims that during the argument he threatened them with saying You and what army.
In the land that I am from, that's not a threat, it's a wise ass comment.
She then proceeds to give me the option of having him only be allowed to be in the house when I'm home.  So basically what we were doing before he moved in.  I said no.
That option then became a demand.  We moved to square 1 yet again.

So, this has been my life over the past 9 months or so.  Tank and I decided to move back to his old apartment.  Monster was all over me at first.  Saying how he is going to ruin my life just like the Vi ruined hers, and I don't really know him like she does cus he showed his true self to her that night, etc.
Now she believes this is the best thing.  That everything happened the way it was supposed to and this will be good for me.  I'll be free and have the freedom I should have at my age.
Could someone please force this bitch to take meds?

Monster vs. Tank

So much has happened since my last blog.
I was going to New Orleans, I found myself a wonderful man, I got pneumonia, and never went to New Orleans!

Well, the New Orleans thing is pretty self explanatory.  It was going to be a Christmas present from my parents, but the day before I was supposed to fly out I started getting pretty sick.  The morning of...couldn't breathe, get out of bed, and was beyond exhausted.  Thought I was dying.  Went to the doc's and was told I was dangerously dehydrated and my blood pressure was at the lowest point before having to be hospitalized.
I was forced to go to the ER for fluids, chest xray, EKG, and then a cat scan.
Pneumonia with an infected lung and both lungs are collapsed at the bottom.  6 weeks for recovery.
This sickness fell during my vacation time.  Good and bad.  Good cus I have the time and bad cus I wasted vacation time on being sick.  Oh well.
Today is the last day of my vacation and the monster thought I was going back to work today.  I said no and that it is tomorrow.
She thinks I should be going back today since I won't be doing anything anyway.
Are you fucking for real!?  This isn't a normal head cold or a 24 hour bug.  I was almost hospitalized and was told I will have a long recovery.  Why in god's name would I rush back to work?

Since that was my Christmas present I now have to pay them back and come up with other gifts for them to get me.  I have wanted a Keurig for a long long time.  Monster knows this.
I gave her half the money and reminded her about the Keurig.  She made some noise and then said "Are you sure?  That's not an everyday thing."

Who gives a shit if it's an everyday thing? I want it for a Christmas present!  Who questions someones Christmas list?  Seriously...she runs down my lists every year with a fine tooth comb and questions everything I want.  *Sigh*

My man? Well, that was a surprise.  We'll call him Tank.
I've known Tank for almost 15 years now.  We lost touch a bit in between, but never too far. 
We met up one night to catch up and haven't left each others side since.  I don't think I have ever really felt something so perfect.
No lies, no questions, no bullshit.
Full trust and understanding. 
I had a large wall up around myself...he took the time to bust through it with the strength of...well...a tank.

Now, I say no bullshit and I mean that strictly between him and I.  If I bring my parents into it then it's a different story.
The first problem they had was that they believe we are going too fast.
Well, not your relationship.  You don't know the dynamic nor have taken the time to get to know him.  So therefore, not your business.

Second problem:  He works super early in the morning and then comes back by 8am.  In order to not disturb me I allowed him to take the key to come back in.  Holy shit this caused some shit.
Apparently even though I pay rent and live in the apartment downstairs I can't decide who is allowed to be in my place.
Their argument is that they don't know him and he could enter their house at any time.
Why the fuck would he do that? How's your trust issues??!
My father is home all the time, for one and two, it's my fucking apartment.  If you have such a problem then put a lock on the main house door for god's sake!

Third problem:  Monster believes Tanks work schedule is what made me sick.  Ummm...no.  Not only does he hardly wake me up, but I even went to my doc and asked her if this could have been a factor.  She stopped, looked at me, and almost laughed.  She said "You stay in bed and don't fully wake up so where is the break in your sleep pattern?  You don't have one.  I don't know what your mother is talking about."
Neither do I.

I feel as if no matter how happy I am they always have some kind of issue.  There is always something wrong or something bothering them.  Now Tank and I have discussed our future together and we want the same things.  One of the thoughts is that he could move in here (in time of course) and we could save a ton of money to then get a house.
This is something my monster had offered to Jello and I before we got married, but he did not want to do this cus he didn't feel comfortable with my parents being so close to us.
I had told my monster our thoughts and she thought it was a smart idea.  Well, just a few days later she says to me that she thinks we should move to our own place when it comes time so I could get freedom away from them.  I could be away from them seeing and knowing everything I do.
Amen to that!

Has she finally opened her eyes to what they are doing? Or is she pissy about something else that she doesn't want to get in to?  I believe the latter.
This woman is as conniving as they come and just as frustrating.
I'm sure between both Tank and I we could find an affordable place where we could save enough money, but just the pure ridiculousness that is my parents just dims the happiness I have.
I feel bad bringing him into such bullshit and craziness.  I really don't know what to think or do when it comes to them.  I'm at a loss.
They are not taking the time to know him yet she complains that she is not comfortable enough cus she doesn't know him.

His mom is amazing.  She remembers me and we truly enjoy each others company.  Her and I have sat and talked for a couple hours.  She a wonderful woman.  Why can't I have parents like this?  Why can't my parents sit and just talk to Tank.  He's not rude, he doesn't make the atmosphere uncomfortable, he's open to talk and answer anything. 
What is their problem???

All I know is that no matter what bullshit she flings I'm going to remain happy with him.  He has done nothing to show me otherwise.  I have been through enough.  It's my time to be happy now.
They can go fuck themselves.

This is not Nascar!

So the move is finished.
I am now in my own space.
OK, not completely, but enough.  I am in my Nana's old apartment aka the in-law, but it's far enough away where I have the independence, yet close enough where I can watch my monster.
Yes, watch my monster.

Since my Nana's death she's been really lonely and trying to find her own routine.  They went out every Saturday, my monster was downstairs watching TV with her almost every night, etc.  She still has been having moments where she will sit in the recliner Nana passed on and cry...hence the "watching".
She definitely needs to realize that I am NOT my Nana, but I'm letting it slide for now or at least until October 1.
Why October 1, you ask?
Well, I am shipping their asses off to VEGAS and having a party the night they leave.
After that, it's leave me the fuck alone I'm your damn tenant not your child!

Oh I can't wait...a shiver of happy anticipation just ran through my body.
Now, the odd thing about this is that my monster is thrilled about this party.  She wants me to string lights around the patio, have tables and chairs set up, etc.
Well shit, I'm gonna go one step further and make a fire pit in the yard!  After they leave of course and then I can blame it on the neighborhood kids when they get home.  She wants me to go balls out for this....be careful what you wish for!

On a more serious note, for those of you that are VI fans.  He just got a scary medical update.  He has kidney cancer.  Now, it is a very small spot that can be removed via operation.  This operation is going to occur soon.  He caught it early so that's something positive.
He's very scared since all his family have died of cancer (except his dad).

I don't see him very much since I moved so stories are few and far between.  I do have one that happened last week.
Now, we are in September.  I personally believe that once kids start going back to school and the nights become fairly cold, all lawn mowing must cease!  He clearly does not follow this belief.
He knows I work late and then once home I can't sleep until the wee hours of the morning so he holds off running the mower until at least 12pm.
I don't remember who the genius was behind allowing him to buy and use a ride on mower, but they should be shot.
Every time 5 minutes this thing makes a popping noise.  He drives it like he's racing in god damned Nascar!
Spins it in circles in the backyard.  Stalls it constantly then stays seated on it and waits for our neighbor Andy to notice so he can come over and fix it.

I was walking out my backdoor one afternoon on my way to work and he comes barrel-assing toward me only for the mower to POP and stall.  He stays seated and stares at me while I walk toward him to kiss him goodbye.
I stop mid walk after noticing the pretty white clouds of smoke pouring out from under the hood.

"Umm...dad?"  As I point toward the engine.
"Yea I know it's smoking right?"
"Yea, don't-cha think you should get off of it?"
"No, it's fine.  Just over heated."

I make my way slowly to him, kiss him on the forehead then walk away as he lifts the hood up and allows the smoke to billow around him.

"OK, dad love you...please don't blow up!"

I get in my truck, back out of my drive way...then look back as he races across my driveway on to the front lawn.
Are you shitting me?

OH! He finally got hearing aids! Yes, plural.  Friggen guy was deaf in both ears.
First day with them and he was amazed by the noises he had never heard before, like my truck running.


In other news....
My ex-husband got remarried.  Yep...less than 2 years after our divorce and he's hitched again!
It stings...truthfully, but ya know what?
I'm so glad he's happy.  She looks like she is a good person and they are happy together.  That's all I ever wanted for him.
We had a lot of ups and downs...mistakes made on both sides, but I wish him all the luck in the world...and I hope they are together for the long haul.


Me? Well, I'm a work in progress...
That's all I gotta say about that.

Times they are a changin

There's so much I want to talk about, but only half of it I'm willing to talk about in an open forum.
As most of you know my Nana died in April.  It's been hard, really hard, for both my monster and I.
Nana had been dealing with breast cancer for years.  Chemo for most of that time, but the chemo scared the cancer enough that it ran for the hills aka her brain.
The doctor made her stop chemo immediately and begin radiation.  10 treatments in 10 days.  I brought her to the clinic everyday, watched her get more and more exhausted.  Once the treatments ended her hair went with them.  Now I gotta be honest and say that woman looked adorable bald!
She was always very serious about preening herself.  She had a reputation to uphold.  She was proud whenever she was compared to Lana Turner, or at times, Lady Gaga.
Once all of the glitz, flowers, and glitter went away she still shined.  Her attitude never faltered.  She gave her all until the end.
She passed peacefully, and painlessly, in her sleep while watching TV.  My monster found her.
The next few days were incredibly hard and not because of the passing, but because of having to watch  my monster crumble.  She became a zombie.  I had to step up and take care of everything, from the wake/funeral, to the headstone, to paperwork for the lawyer.  I was so busy I never had time to grieve until it all settled down.
Late at night when I was alone the tears came and it was like that for awhile.  They came full force and without mercy.  They blended everything that had happened to me over the past 4 months.  Tidal wave is the best word to describe the emotions.

Well, the tears stopped.  I have many things going on in my life now.  I'm moving into my Nana's apartment.  I'm renovating the whole place.  New floors, carpets, blinds for the window, oven, paint, etc., but I'm keeping some of her jewelry boxes and her hope chest so I can keep her close.
I'm excited to get my privacy back!  I can finally have people over and not feel as if I'm a teenager.  I can cook without being criticized or hovered over.  I can have an adult beverage without the smirks or side glances!
FREEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!

Now aside from moving and gaining my adult status back, I've also been changing my life in a different way as well.  I go out all the time.  This may not seem that big of a deal, but for me it is.  Every Sunday is "Sunday Funday"...dancing and drinking with friends.  Any opportunity to go and have fun somewhere, I take it!
I'm grabbing life by the balls.
Trips, concerts, clubs, parties, I'm there.
Regardless of who is in my life or not, I am living it for myself.  I'm the only one that can make myself happy or unhappy.  I come first!

So many people stay in situations that make them miserable for various reasons.  I don't get it.  Why live in misery?  Regardless of the reasons, you're unhappy.  Why live that way?  Seriously, why?
We have 1 life.  You either live it how you choose and be happy or live in misery just because you feel you have to.

Moving on...

The monster.
The monster and I have been really getting along. So much so that I opened up to her and told her everything about my life and continue to do so.  I actually enjoy talking to her.
*Insert shocked gasps here*

I know, I know. Weird, right?!
Well, how do you think I feel??
This woman judged every move I made.  Criticized me like it was her job.  Now we can be just 2 people having a conversation.
It's nice.

The common bond between us?  The vi.
Holy shit he just keeps getting worse!  The stupid shit that comes out of his mouth is astounding.
I leave for work and he has to call the monster right away as I'm climbing into my truck to report to her what I'm wearing and if I took a lunch.  She doesn't ask for this information, but he feels it necessary to inform her.  I went out this past Sunday and wore a sundress which had spaghetti straps and a v neckline.  For the next hour following my departure, monster had to listen to his "opinions" on my dress.  How can I dance in it (it's long), it's too low cut, etc.  Over and over again.
The next day, I get to listen to his insane questions about how did I dance in my dress? Did I lift it up (this is followed by his hands pretending to lift a skirt ABOVE his chest).

Me: "Are you fucking serious right now?"
VI: "What?  I just hope you don't lift it."
Me: "Are you seriously asking if I lift my skirt and show my shit when I dance? Are you fucking nuts?"
VI: "Well I don't know."

I almost punched him in the face.

This is the kind of shit that comes out of his mouth.  Once the monster found out she lost her mind.  She is at her wits end with his comments.  He makes no sense and it's getting worse.  We think it's because he's stuck in the house day in and day out.  Doing NOTHING.
I can't even sit at the dinner table with him or I get really testy.  I am in a constant state of eye-rolling.
July 29th can't get here fast enough.

After that....house warming party planning! Stay tuned :)

Memoirs of a sick chick

I know I've been posting little comments on Facebook about the monster and vi, but let me tell you that's just the half of it.
Now the monster had 11 days off, great for her, hell for me.
She seemed to believe that if she had vacation I did too.  Every night and every morning that woman was in my room.  Constantly needing to talk or watch TV with me, asking to go to the movies, etc.
I woke up one morning and she was outside my room, waiting to hear movement.  I shit you not, she even admitted to having her ear to my door.
They planned on staying a night at the MGM Grand in Connecticut Wednesday night and I planned on enjoying the peace and quiet.  That was not to happen.  I got sick, really sick.  I won't go into details since I'm sure it will gross you out, but it wasn't pretty.  I even had to wake her up at one point at 5:30am.
Before they left I had been in and out of the bathroom to which she was very aware and with my dehydration I couldn't really move from my bed.  She got ready and they left, but before they did monster went downstairs to see Nana and explain my situation.  She told her that I was to get the mail, bring out the trash, and pick up after myself (I was using the barrel alot since I couldn't get to the toilet).  My Nana looked at her and said "Really?  You actually think she's going to be able to get up and go outside let alone clean up her trash? She's sick!"
"Oh you don't think she will have the energy?  Well I would think later she would."
Even my Nana is starting to realize there is something wrong with the monster.  If you see someone who is winded just by standing up, constantly using the bathroom and barrel, mostly at the same time, and can do nothing but sleep, would you expect them to magically gain energy to take out the trash and get the mail?
Are you fucking for real?!
That night was horrible.  I almost had my Nana take me to the hospital and I hate hospitals.  It was bad.  I almost fell down the stairs and then on the way back up almost passed out yet again.  I had to get some Gatorade...something to stop the dehydration.
I informed my Nana later that night about what the monster does, such as staying in my room when I get home from work until 2am or that she'll just sit in here and watch TV every single night.  Also, that she is jealous that I talk to Nana more than her.
The reaction from her was priceless!  There were a couple "What is wrong with her?"  "You've got to be kidding!"  "Now she knows better than that."

I got better as the days went, thankfully I was fine by Saturday so I could spend the night with my panda.  It had been way to long and nothing was going to stop me!
I came home Sunday, slept, did some chores, but felt odd.
I decided to go to bed early on Sunday and make up for the lack of sleep the night before.  Monday, sucked.
Sick. Again.
This time a head cold.  The entire side of my head is blocked.  I'm not fully complaining cus it could certainly be worse with a sore throat or migraine.
I take some Dayquil and Afrin.  Worked great so I decided to stick with it.
Monster again decides it would be a great idea to sit in my room and watch TV when I'm clearly a mess and just want to sit and stare.
Tuesday.  I call out, still sick.  This sucks.  Not only do I hate being sick, but I hate having to stay home.  It's so stressful.
I sleep a few hours and then she comes home.  She comes in my room and asks how I feel.
I say fine and she adds how horrible I sound.
"Do you want something to eat?"
"What are you making?"
"Pork chops, but that may be too much.  Do you want a cheese omelet?"
"Yea, that sounds good.  With toast please."
"Oh I don't know.  You sure? You've had some eggs this week I worry about cholesterol."
"My cholesterol isn't going to sky rocket cus I've had them 3 times in a week!"
"Oh OK, I guess so.  Just cheese?"
"Yea, just cheese or over easy whatever is easier."

Is it me or did that conversation really make no sense?  She was the one who said cheese omelet first right?  She offered the eggs first?
Yea, OK that's what I thought.

She brings my eggs up to me, hands them to me, and says "Now I came home after working all day and made you these so you owe me."
What the fuck?! I owe you??  What the hell do I owe you?  My undying gratitude for making me fucking eggs?  If I knew I'd owe you something for taking care of me I'd have made them my damn self, but you fucking offered!

Later I mention to her that I seem to have a rash on my belly.  She know goes into this spiel about how it's the Dayquil and I've gone through an entire half of the bottle in a day.
Wait, hold the phone.  I look at her and say "What the hell are you talking about?  I took 3 doses yesterday and 3 today, of course it's half a bottle!"
"Isn't that too much?  How many are you supposed to have?"
"4 doses in a day! Read the damn bottle!"
"4? I don't know, are you sure?"


After her bath she comes in and sits on the bed and watches TV for a bit.  She looks at my computer and says "Now I hope those weren't on today."
The screen is black.
"Do you see it on?"
"I don't know.  I don't look."

Oh that's right, it's the "if you call out no computer rule"
Yea.
Thank god she goes to bed earlier than me.
So many reasons I hate being sick, but this house is definitely a huge one.
I almost feel sicker when she's up and around then when I'm alone and calm.
UN-fucking-believable.

Yea I'll grow a beard and then kick you in the balls!

The last few days have been filled with laughter, anger, aggravation, tears, and numbness.
Yea it sounds dramatic, but when one of those days is driven by PMS, everything that day is dramatic.

Sunday was a pretty great day over all.  I woke up early to go shopping with the monster.  We first went out to Best Buy where I got my first Christmas present; a new car stereo that will be installed on the 31st.  Happy New Year to me!  Been without a radio since about August...singing to myself has gotten pretty old and I'm sure it has made more than a few fellow drivers think I'm nuts.
We then went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond where I got my next present of a beautiful king bed set, decorative pillows and all!
Off to the mall!  Coach, where I got my favorite bag a Christmas present of its own! A new smaller wallet!  Ridiculous, maybe, but when the man you love gives you something you never expected, you get silly and it becomes your prized possession.
Then we went to Sephora, Pandora (monster wants the vi to get her a bracelet), and then Macy's.
Kmart in Billerica for the final stop and home we went.
Monster and I actually got along, talked, laughed.  She was a normal mom.  I enjoyed being out with her, first time in a long time.
Got home, she cooked dinner, I wrapped some gifts, and took a nap.
Oh and the conversation we had....mobile homes.  She's back to liking the idea.  I'm just wondering when she's gonna hate it again.

Monday.  Horrible.  Most of it was me, but ALOT of it was them.  I didn't want to be bothered as soon as I woke up.  I had a migraine and the dreaded PMS.
I tried to stay away from the vi, but had no help from the monster.  She did her usual email that just read "call me"  I called and she started freaking out about how my dad messes everything up, she's sick of it, she needs to take days off in order to get anything done the right way, etc, etc....
At one point she even called me to say she wanted me to go downstairs and tell my father that I didn't want to get involved, but if the TV wasn't correct (he switched out the old for a new and the color was off) that she was gonna rip it out of the wall and throw it out.
WTF...does that not put me right in the middle of it??  Why on gods green earth would I want to voluntarily go downstairs and involuntarily start a fight with him?
He was already pacing downstairs.  He then started coming up and down the stairs bitching to me about her...why do I have to be involved in their arguments?  Can these people not argue correctly?  Do they need a middle man?  Sweet Christ...I don't want that job!

Monster comes home and all hell broke loose.  They start yelling at each other downstairs, monster basically calling the vi an idiot and so on.
Now the monster doesn't care if my dad snaps.  Which he does occasionally, but this scares the shit out of me.  He gets nasty and physical.  So I wait and worry.
They come upstairs and she continues to complain, now about the new shower head the plumber had put on earlier.
He yells back, takes off the new shower head and puts back the old.  Goes downstairs and waits in the kitchen.
I'm just sitting in my room not saying a word.
When she's done getting changed I follow her to the kitchen and set the table.  She starts making comments about how bad the TV is which prompts the vi to call Comcast on the spot.
The operator tells him she can assist with replacing the old TV right over the phone.  Monster looks at me and says "Help your father."
Help him do what?  He's on the phone with help.
Now between his deafness and his bad eyesight this call quickly turned into a shit show...he's complaining, she's complaining and I'm just getting pissy-er.
Finally I stand up, walk over to my dad and take the phone.  I quickly do what the operator told me to and set the remote back to the old TV.
During this phone call both the monster and vi are arguing behind me to which the vi screams out "Would you shut the fuck up!"
Nice.  Comcast lady thankfully ignored that and so didn't I.  White trash in the middle of beautiful middle class Tewksbury.

Dinner was kinda quiet with the vi only making a few comments and then going out for a cigarette while she cleaned up.
He went to watch TV and then she decided to go in and sit with him so they "could cuddle like newlyweds."
I'm not shitting you.  This woman can change emotions on a dime.
I take over the kitchen and make gifts for my co-workers.  She comes in about 2 hours later, I'm tired, my feet hurt, I'm done and ready to go upstairs.  She starts commenting on my gifts and how she loves what I did, but maybe I should do this or that differently...why is this jar like this...what about doing that instead...
Holy shit! I just gave quick answers of No.

Finally I said I was going upstairs and she gave a sad sigh and answer of "well OK I guess"...really? I've been in this kitchen since 5pm and you come in at 8:30p when I'm ready to leave and get upset about it....
What...the...fuck...ever.  I ignored her and went upstairs.


"Your parents love you..." she sings
VI sticks his head over her shoulder
"Hey Melis...I want you to grow a beard.  Grow a beard..." he really thinks he's funny.
"So she can be a caveman." she giggles.
"Hey Melis...I'm gonna buy you a beard, a big scraggly one, so you can wear it in your cave. (asking the monster) She saying anything? She doesn't give a shit."

Now during all of this I'm not saying shit.  I'm just staring with a blank expression at the both of them.
I'm so fucking sick of this crap.  I have to deal with this bullshit on a daily basis and then pretend it's funny? Hell no!
Come January 1st I'm giving myself 4 months to get the fuck out of here!

Ho, Ho, Ho...where did I go?

For the last 3 years the holidays have been pretty tough for me.
'09 I realized I was unhappy in my marriage, but still had to play the part with family
'10 I was newly divorced, living back with my parents, and the man I want to be with is not with me.
This year, still with the parents, stressing about finding a place, and still not with my panda.
It seems to get harder with each passing year.
Now to add to my holiday blues, the monster is playing her roller coaster of approval game again.

I had a plan to move out of the cave at the beginning of the year, that didn't go as planned.
I then thought it would be a good idea to buy a place.  I was looking at mobile homes, the stationary ones that look like homes.  I mentioned how this was highly viewed by the monster in my last blog.
Well, that has changed for some reason.
Monsters new view on the mobile home is that it is too much work for me.  I don't live with a man so who will do the yard work or shovel/snowplow the drive way for me?  Yea, really, she said that. No joke.
I'd then have to purchase a lawnmower and a snow blower which would be too costly for me.
The VI said that mobile homes built before 1980 or so were built with Formaldehyde, so we would have to gut the whole place and have it redone.  I take this with a grain of salt since we all know how smart the VI is.
I asked about a condo, apparently I don't have enough money.
Now they say I should look at a studio apartment.  Monster does not want me living with a room mate at any cost.
She believes it won't work, I'll get screwed.  She's always dreamed/wanted me to live on my own.  I'll apparently love it.
I'm not a live alone kind of girl.  I have an overactive imagination!  I can turn any noise into a flesh eating monster coming to get me cus I'm fat and tasty!
If I do decide to go against her "wishes" it's gonna be World War 3 in this house for a long time and if anything were to go wrong I'd never live it down.  Even in death they'd find a way to say "I told ya so!"

So now I'm stuck.  I don't want a studio apartment.  I have enough furniture to fill a house and I hate the thought of having people over to hang out in my bedroom.
I just want space, freedom, relief.  I want to be happy with where I live, not settle cus I want to get out so badly I can taste it.
I'm scratching at the walls here!  Crying nightly has become a ritual before bed.  Can I say this to the monster? Of course not, she's the poster child for the perfect parent, didn't you know?

People tell me constantly, it's your life, you can't let her tell you what to do, etc, etc.
It's easier said then done.  The shit I have had to deal with by going against her or the constant comments of how I "never" listen to them and I always make the wrong decisions.  That wears on a person after awhile and you just want to shut them up.
I don't want a studio and I'm gonna do my damnedest not to end up in one, but I may have to suck it up.
I'd prefer a big place with a room mate then the quiet, boring, loneliness, of living alone.

All in all it just adds up to I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of waiting for good things to happen to me, I want things to start changing in my favor.  I want my freedom, I want my space, I want my sanity, I want my panda, I want myself back!

Definitely tricks...no treats

I know it's been awhile since I last blogged, but it's the same old shit everyday.  Last thing I'd want to do is become boring or sound like a broken record.
The adventures of the monster and vi do continue though.
The monster and I have been doing somewhat OK with each other lately.  I had an idea of buying a place instead of renting and she is behind it 100%.  I'm thinking of buying a mobile home, no wheels, the house like ones.
Shocked me a bit, but then I realized, of course she's behind it she had mentioned me buying one for years when I was with Jello.  He never wanted to cus it was dubbed "a mobile home".
She'll always be a cheerleader for anything she thought of that I follow.

Halloween or as I called it November-ween, was as ridiculous as ever.
She generally spends about $300 on candy and the cave is known as the best house for candy in the neighborhood.
Last year I came up with an idea on how to make the candy giving easier since she gives multiple things to each kid.  This year, for instance, she gave each trick or treater a giant pixie stick, an airhead, a bag of cracker jacks, and a bag of chips.
I took each item, punched a hole in it, weaved some twine through, and created little bundles of happy.
All she has to do is picked up the twine and drop the bundle in a bag. Done.
She forgot to ask me this year until 4pm day of.
There I sat on the hallway floor surrounded by sugar and bags, creating bundles and watching her run around like a chicken with her head cut off.  We had to eat by 4pm just in case any early birds rang the bell.
Sadistically I was hoping they would come early just to see the look of fear, shock, and adrenaline shoot through her all at once.
Finally, we got dressed and ready for the little bastards to start showing up.
My plan was to sit inside on the stairs and continue the bundles while she stood outside on the porch passing stuff out.
Then came the questions.
"where are your shoes?"
"where's your jacket?"
"your gonna wear that?"
"isn't that a little low cut?"

These questions were repeated about 5 times each within about a half hour.  They only stopped cus I freaked and told her to leave me the hell alone.  Nana told her the same thing.  I love being backed up by the matriarch, it's such a power trip.
Only got about 100 kids when we're used to about 250.  Monster was shocked and bummed.

Monday came.
I headed out to see an old friend for lunch and once I got home I didn't want to do anything but sit and read.  Didn't think anything was wrong with this, but once the monster came upstairs to get ready for bed I knew my decision hadn't gone over well.
"Yea know it would have been nice to see you today.  I'm not gonna see you all week"
*Groan*
Really? You can't go a day without seeing me? Not only did the woman see me earlier than normal on Saturday night, but she saw me all day (literally) on Sunday AND she has this Friday off.  Plus, I was right here, in the house...I can't be alone and read in peace without having to stop, go downstairs, have a forced conversation so you can "see me", then come upstairs and continue what I was doin?
What the hell are they going to do when I move?  What the hell did they do before I moved back?

Anyway, the monster went into ignore mode, but when I woke up this morning there was a nice note from her, like nothing was wrong at all.  Crazypants.

The vi is just one hell of an annoying SOB.
I can't handle it.  He's making me lose my mind.
I left early today to get an oil change.  I was running late which was very clear since I was basically running down the stairs and throwing things into my car.
He, for some odd reason, had parked behind me.  I asked him to move his car.
"No."
"Dad, I have to go get an oil change."
"I know."
He stands there and watches me pack up my car.  I turn and stare back at him.
"So could you move your car?"
"Are you gonna move yours?"
"Really?  I just said I have to get an oil change, of course I'm moving my car."

What the hell?  Am I being punk'd?
1. the man needs a hearing aide
2.  he needs an attitude adjustment
3.  he needs to stop thinking he's funny

This sounds humorous to an outsider, but I know what he's really doing.  He's done it my whole life.
He wants me to get riled up.  He wants a fight.  It's almost like he yearns for it; to have a reason to explode.
Thankfully I've learned to play the game and I now win every time.
Take that you village idiot.

Perceptions

If your looking for stories of the monster and vi...this blog won't give them to you.  Its been the same with them lately.  Dumb ass questions, actions, but both have been in pretty good moods.  I won't say that my level of aggravation and annoyance has gone down.  It hasn't by any means, but it's tolerable at the moment.
I feel the need to just write...
Notate my favorite quotes, perceptions on life and situations, etc.  
You may see this as boring, but tough, my blog my choice...*add raspberry noise here*


Family
The quote "the grass is always greener on the other side" is such a true statement.  
I remember growing up and wishing that I had parents like my friends.  Always fun, relaxed, had parties, went cool places, etc.  Of course I grew out of that and learned of the hardships each of my parents had gone through.  I appreciate them for who they are and what they've taught me.  
Now I just wish they'd have a drink or at least smoke some pot to friggen relax and enjoy life instead of always fearing it.
There have been a few deliveries to the cave in the last few weeks such as a new couch and new frig...both times monster thought the deliver guys were casing the house.  Way to be paranoid.


Favorite family quotes:
~Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ---- George Burns
~If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. ----George Bernard Shaw
~Family is a mixed blessing. You’re glad to have one, but it’s also like receiving a life sentence for a crime you didn’t commit. ~Richard Pryor


Friendship
This to me is linked with family, but it means more since I don't really know most of my family.  I know I have more family members out there somewhere, but damned if I know them. 
Friends mean the world to me.  Loyalty, no judgement, understanding, laughing, crying, everything a person needs to get through any situation.
I wouldn't be where I am right now if it wasn't for my friends, especially my bestie.  She has pulled me through more than I could ever write about.  She's been there through it all.  And I mean all of it and there's much more to come for both of us.  
I try to be the best friend I can be to all my friends.  Sometimes it's tough depending on life and drama, but I do the best I can.  I cherish the ones that stick by me and will always view them as family.  They've earned the title.


Favorite friendship quotes:
~“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”
~"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are."
~"Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families."
~“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” 


Love
Love is a funny thing.
One minute your floating and everything is right with the world.  Then next moment your world is collapsing for something that could be so small to anyone else.
I've learned you have to find faith in love.  You have to believe that no matter what it will find a way.
I have been hurt by this emotion many times, but I'm trying to learn to trust in it.  I have found how strong love can be and how devastating.  
I'm smack in the middle of it now...stronger than any other love I've felt in my life.  It's hard, but to me it's worth it.  I am a hopeless romantic and I wear my heart on my sleeve.  


Favorite love quotes (there's quite a few of these)
~" I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you."
~" In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged."
~" If I know what love is, it is because of you."
~" If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."
~"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path."
~"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."
~"Love is friendship set on fire."
~Amor vincit omnia




OK so that's enough of my random thoughts.  It's 2:30am and I'm sleepy.  Just to put it out there, I'm headed to Cancun on October 21 and plan to write a blog every single night I'm there.  5 days away from the cave deserves to be celebrated even in writing.  Sober or drunk...there will be blogs!

Really...

This is a quick blog, but it had to be written.
I went to sleep around 2:30am this morning only to wake up at 5:30am to pee.
I open my door, walk in zombie mode a few steps to the bathroom door (which is open), and once I get to the door I realize I'm staring at the monster sitting on the toilet.
She's #2ing, that is clear, but she's also hunched over with her head tilted toward the wall.
I stand there groggily saying mom, but no reaction.
Finally she jolted back and saw me.  "OH Jesus!"
She not only had fallen asleep mid poo, but she also had her ear plugs still in.
I turn my back and walk into the hallway to give her some privacy.
From there on she never stops talking.  It gets to the point where I'm almost fully awake.
I finally get to pee...once done I walk into the hallway and comment that she's too damn talkative in the morning, she giggles and hugs me.  I walk back in to my room, get back into bed, and lay there.
I can't fall back to sleep...god damn it!
Woman woke me up with her 5:30am giddy ass rantings!!  WTF
So here I am working on maybe 4 solid hours of sleep...I'm gonna be a gem today!  Fucking monster.

Cycles...

It has been a long ass time since I last wrote.
There have been ups and downs with the monster (of course).  I'm in a down cycle now.
There's also a few changes around the bend that I'm hoping will come to pass.
My hatred for the VI has increased as well.  Thinking of changing his name to Shit Fuck.  Thoughts are welcome.

A few weeks back the monster was on a "good" cycle. 
I'm going to call them cycles from now on and the reason is because she spins or at least leaves me spinning.
Good cycles, her attitude is basically..."Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
Bad cycles, she's out of control, no one can catch up and all hell breaks loose eventually.

Good Cycle:
These are starting to become a serious pain in the ass. 
It started on a Friday night and continued through to Monday.
Friday, I got home from work at 12:10a.  As I was driving around the corner I could see her standing on the screened-in porch watching me pull into the drive way.  I opened the car door and as soon as I did I hear...
"Hi dear"
"Hey mom."
I start up the stairs...
"Why are you home late?"
"What do you mean? I get home around this time every night."
"No, it's 10 past you usually get home around 10 of."
"Really? I stayed and talked to some of the girls."
"Oh."
I walk in, chewing gum.
"What's with the gum?"
"I felt like chewing gum."
"Oh."
I walk past her and into the house.  She follows very closely behind me.
"So what's going on?"
"Nothing, I just got in and I have to put my stuff away."
"Oh.  How was your day?"
"Fine....why are you up my ass?"
"I don't know.  Huh.."
We head upstairs, she takes a bath, then goes to bed.
Ugh.  The last thing someone wants after working until midnight, is to come home and to walk in to a wall of what the fuck.

Saturday:
I don't really remember it.  I think I may have voluntarily blocked it out.
What I do recall is that she begged to make my lunch and when I got to work there was the classic "I love you, Mom" note.
Then once home...yea, no idea.  Total hole in the memory.

Sunday:
Now this day was ridiculous.  By the end of the night I was on the verge of jumping out the 3rd story window after crying till I almost puked.  Just frustrating.
The day started normally enough and she was in a good mood.
I sat downstairs every once in a while and shot the shit with her.  Made sure I was "around" so she couldn't complain later.
After dinner the VI asked me to look something up online.  The monster started to argue that I could do it later and he didn't need to know right away.
I said I'll just go look now (perfect reason to be away from them for a bit).  I went upstairs, but slowly so I could listen to the argument going on downstairs.
"Why did you want that, like, right now?"
"What's the big deal? It'll take 2 seconds?"
"I wanted her to stay down here with me!"

I looked up what I had to look up and then went back downstairs, hesitantly.
I stayed down a bit longer and then went back upstairs to relax.  This was around 6p.
around 7-7:30p the vi went to bed.  After the monster tucked him in, yes...she tucks him in.  No lie.
I can understand kissing him when he goes to bed or if he's already laying down, but she legit tucks him in.
Sometimes she'll even run upstairs ahead of him and hide in the closet or under the bed.
Someone is a regular passenger on the crazy train.

She finishes, then opens my door.  The following comments were made in this order and each time my door just opened, followed by her head poking in.  No knocking whatsoever.  Privacy? What's privacy?

"I'm going downstairs to clean out the dishwasher"
1/2 hour later
"I'm going to run my bathwater."
10 min. later
"I'm going downstairs to have my poo poo tea (don't ask).  I'll be back soon."
 1/2 hour later
"I'm gonna take a bath."
15 minutes later
"I'm going down to Nana's for a bit to do my hair and watch TV."
About 10p she comes back upstairs, comes into my room, sits down and starts asking questions.

"Foxwoods told me that I need to call them on the 1st to get any new deals.  You think you can go online and see if they are available yet?"
"If they told you to wait till the 1st of the month then the soonest I'd see anything is at midnight."
"Oh no really? You can't see anything online?"
"No mom.  As great as the Internet is, unfortunately it's not a portal into the future."
*add depressed sigh and facial expression from her*
Silence
"Oh! I know!  I have been trying to find my spray hair gel, but it's been sold out.  Can you go online to try and find it?"

Now it's well past her bed time, she's been up my butt all weekend.  I'm ready for some me time which clearly isn't coming as quickly as I'd like it to.

"No mom.  It's 10:10p...you're usually in bed now."
Sigh..."OK." Silence..."Your sure about Foxwoods?"
"Yes."
Silence
"Let me just go get the bottle and just check real quick to see if you can find it anywhere.  I'll buy 3 if you do."
"Oh my god mom!"
She walks back into my room and hands me the bottle.
L'Oreal is out of stock.
"It's no where mom.  Even L'Oreal is out."
"So what does that mean?"
"It means it's not available."
"So I can't get it anywhere?"
"No.  It's sold out.  If the vendor doesn't have it, no one has it"
"Well, what do you mean?"
"I MEAN IT CEASES TO BE! NO MORE!"
"Well for god sake! Every time I fall in love with something they discontinue it.  Just my luck.  Now what am I gonna do?"
"Find something else."
*add hugely obvious eye roll from me*

She then sits down on my bed again.  Silence.  Then the moment I seriously thought my mother was high.
She starts clapping in a way that sounds like snapping.  She placed her hands together in a praying manner, locked her thumbs together and then started clapping only her fingers together.
She was enthralled.
"Oh my god Melis!  Listen! Do you hear that?"
"Hear what? You're clapping."
"It sounds like my bones are hitting."
"Your bones?"
"Yea.  Listen! That's so weird."
"Mom, does it hurt?"
"No."
"Then your not cracking your bones together."
"Oh.  Well it's still weird."
"Your creating an air pocket and clapping your fingers is just breaking the air."
"Wow...so strange."
"OK mom...baby needs to go to sleep.  It's way past your bedtime."

She laughed.  Finally got up after sitting there for another 10 min. or so.
She left and I waited for her bedroom door to close....then I cried.
I just sat there and cried.  Built up over the weekend with her, other personal issues, and regular stress.
I took off my glasses, cried into my hands, and started rubbing my face.  Thank god I did that!
As soon as I started rubbing...guess what?
My fucking door opened!
"I'm going to sleep downstairs your father is too loud."
"Yea, OK."
Would you like an escort?  Are you asking my permission? What is with all the check in's?????

Monday:
Nothing off except for before she went to bed.  She stopped on her way out of my room and looked back.
"I wish we could have done something this weekend."  extremely sad and puppy dogish
"Like what?"
"I don't know.  Just something."  random sighs
"Mom, I work Friday and Saturday, then Sunday is laundry and cleaning day."
"I know.  OK, I guess I'll see you next week"
"Your gonna see me on Friday."
"Yea, next week."

WTF?! Friday is in 4 days!
Sad/disappointed face...closed the door...off to bed.

She wasn't as bad the next weekend, but this past weekend...we are headed into a bad cycle.  My asshole father did an asshole thing.  Created drama that was uncalled for and he did it on purpose.
I'm ready to punch him in the face and tell him to go fuck himself.  I'm almost to the point where I wanna be cruel and say "Now I know why your other kids want nothing to do with you!"
I would never though.  I'm not a cruel person.  I can be a serious bitch, but never straight up cruel.

So now, the monster is in weird mode.  Not very talkative and when she is it's cold.  Shit.  Awesome.
The only light for me at the moment is that there is a possibility that I may be out of the cave soon.  I'm hoping to all that is holy this happens, but I'm waiting with baited breath at the moment.
So much stress, so much anxiety.
I'm doing the best I can with dealing with it all.
Just hope things work out the way I want them too.