So the VI, as you all know, used to be pretty violent. Not someone you would want to spend a Sunday watching TV with or have around small children.
When I was about 16 or 17 years old, he finally went to the doctor and found out he has a chemical imbalance. He got on meds and has been pretty vegetablish since.
This is great for me, my monster, and anyone who comes in contact with him.
My monster is unhappy, but is greatful for a calmer home. He does have his spurts of anger or freak outs, but they are few and far between.
He has seemed to channel his anger and penchant for violence toward the poor squirrels in the backyard.
I wake up this morning and go downstairs to get breakfast. He notices me and comes right back into the house from the porch all excited.
"Do you see that little bastard?"
"What little bastard?" *eye roll insert*
"The damn squirrel on the tree."
Now there is a small patch of woods behind the cave so this statement is completely vague. I humor him. I lean over the sink and stare out the window, but let my eyes go lazy. I start to see things like one of the pictures with the hidden items in it. In my mind, as he's talking, I'm trying to guess what shapes I see.
"No dad, I don't see any squirrel."
"What?! He's right there, upside down eating the friggen flowers off the tree."
I came to realize that the tree is actually a bush.
"Oh, yea. I see him. Sorry, I need new glasses." Bold faced lie.
"I wanna shoot him in the ass with my gun!"
"Dad, don't shoot him."
"But he's eating the flowers!"
"So. Let him. If he gets sick he'll learn a lesson." at this point I'm just laughing at him.
The thought of my father getting out his bb gun and actually trying to hit a moving target is hilarious.
This is a retired correctional officer who used to carry, and still has, a nice Smith & Wesson. But age, deafness, and all around stupidity has all but rusted his shooting abilities.
Last year, my father brought out his bb gun to try and shoot holes in to my monster's bird houses hanging from random trees throughout the yard. He challenged me.
He kept missing and I told him I wanted to try.
He laughed and said, "Hey honey, Melissa's gonna try and shoot your birdhouses. Watch this. I bet she shoots someone's window out."
The monster of course was not amused.
I took the gun, held my breathe, aimed, and shot 2 holes directly above and below the hole of one of the birdhouses.
I think the vi shit his pants a little.
I lowered the gun, turned toward him, handed it back, and walked away.
Yea old man, challenge me again.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Walking on broken glass....
We are now in the mists of the monster's suspension.
It started off pretty well...in fact Sunday she wasn't a monster at all.
She was singing and laughing. We went out to pick up my first summer dress and she paid! No questions or snide comments. Just offered to pay.
We went looking for party ideas for my friend's bachelorette party. Giggling in the aisle and coming up with great ideas.
Real mother/daughter normal stuff. Kinda weird, but nice.
We get home, have a great dinner, then I come upstairs and begin working on shower invitations.
All in all...an almost perfect day with her.
Monday.
The day started off with monster having to take my Nana to the doctor for some radiation therapy. I was pretending to still be asleep, but I heard her getting ready.
I get up after she leaves and finish the rest of the invites.
She calls from the doctors and asks if I could put the chicken in the oven. Great, no problem!
I start my chores...3 loads of laundry, strip/make the bed, dust, vacuum, etc.
She gets home, comes upstairs and seems fine still. Weird, but I'll take it!
She tries on clothes and asks my opinion before she gets rid of them. Then she asks me to look at hotels for her and the vi in Reno, NV.
I have done this 3 times for them for the same hotels, so needless to say I sigh and make a smart ass comment. I felt safe in doing so since she seemed to be in one of those joking moods.
That comment showed me she was actually in transition mode. I was walking on glass. Very thin glass.
She goes from singing to "We don't ask you for much, but I can tell your aggravated so never mind."
Oh shit.
But just like a the perfect crazypants that she is...10 seconds flat she's back to singing.
Are you kidding me? I'm waiting for her head to spin Exorcist style.
She goes down stairs to finish dinner as I fold my first load of laundry.
She calls me down to dinner...
Dinner was fine.
After, I mention that I need to see if the FedEx guy had left a package of registration cards for the shower invites at the front door.
I look and he had.
I go back into the kitchen, tell monster, then say I have to go finish the invites so I can be done with them and send them out tomorrow before work.
That's when it begins.
Now let me paint a normal after dinner situation.
We finish dinner...the vi goes out on the porch to have cigarette and read the paper...I sit at the table while the monster does the dishes.
Normal.
Since I have been a kid...this is what happens.
Well, today apparently there is a change in the cave and someone forgot to tell me.
After informing her that I have to go and finish the invites she starts getting upset.
"Oh, well OK, I thought you could help me, but don't worry about it I guess."
*Place eye roll here*
"What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing...don't worry. Just go."
"Mom seriously, I have to stuff and close 77 invitations, but do you want me to do something for you first?"
"Nope don't worry just go and finish."
"Fine."
I go and finish my invites. Of course as soon as I get upstairs I eavesdrop and listen to her bitching to my father about me. Same shit different day.
After I finish, I go downstairs to switch out my last load of laundry. I go into the kitchen and that's when the lecture begins.
The gist of it...
As a woman/daughter I should automatically want to help with cleaning up.
She doesn't know me, my life, my friends, nothing. She looks and talks to other mothers/daughters and feels empty.
She is the only one in my life that will ever help me.
When my life falls apart she is always there, but what is she aside from that.
She says I have hatred toward her...she feels my aggravation with her.
She believes that when I move out she will never see me again.
She then goes into the past with my ex husband and how we screwed up...literally went back 9 years ago.
I don't spend time with her on Friday/Saturday nights. When I do it's forced. She wants me to want to spend time with her.
She also said that when we were standing in line at the Dollar Store, she was standing behind me and we didn't talk so that was the first time she realized how alone she is. How we really don't have a relationship and she blames herself.
I told her that was 5 minutes out of the entire day and she is harping on the fact that we didn't talk while in line and surrounded my loud ass teenagers? Really? I told her to stop reading into shit.
I just sat there after that. I couldn't really disagree with the rest. I did however tell her that ever since I moved back I feel she is clingy. She wants a relationship with me that she has with my Nana and that is never going to happen. I am who I am...and it's not her.
After awhile she told me that she had talked my ear off enough and to go to my Nana's to get my jeans taken in.
So off I went downstairs.
As soon as my Nana's door closed I went off. I told her everything. I got so upset I cried.
This is strange to me since I don't like crying in front of my family. I never have. So I have to be really upset to do this and it only lasts until I can regain control again. When I cry I expect criticism or "why the hell are you crying" comments.
So there it is. Half way through purgatory. She goes back to work on Thursday, then Friday, then she has Saturday-Tuesday off. The only thing stopping a death in this house is that they may be spending the night at Foxwoods on Sunday. I may actually be able to enjoy my weekend.
We shall see.
As for now...I sit in this room, thinking about my life and where it is now. Kinda want to cry again.
It started off pretty well...in fact Sunday she wasn't a monster at all.
She was singing and laughing. We went out to pick up my first summer dress and she paid! No questions or snide comments. Just offered to pay.
We went looking for party ideas for my friend's bachelorette party. Giggling in the aisle and coming up with great ideas.
Real mother/daughter normal stuff. Kinda weird, but nice.
We get home, have a great dinner, then I come upstairs and begin working on shower invitations.
All in all...an almost perfect day with her.
Monday.
The day started off with monster having to take my Nana to the doctor for some radiation therapy. I was pretending to still be asleep, but I heard her getting ready.
I get up after she leaves and finish the rest of the invites.
She calls from the doctors and asks if I could put the chicken in the oven. Great, no problem!
I start my chores...3 loads of laundry, strip/make the bed, dust, vacuum, etc.
She gets home, comes upstairs and seems fine still. Weird, but I'll take it!
She tries on clothes and asks my opinion before she gets rid of them. Then she asks me to look at hotels for her and the vi in Reno, NV.
I have done this 3 times for them for the same hotels, so needless to say I sigh and make a smart ass comment. I felt safe in doing so since she seemed to be in one of those joking moods.
That comment showed me she was actually in transition mode. I was walking on glass. Very thin glass.
She goes from singing to "We don't ask you for much, but I can tell your aggravated so never mind."
Oh shit.
But just like a the perfect crazypants that she is...10 seconds flat she's back to singing.
Are you kidding me? I'm waiting for her head to spin Exorcist style.
She goes down stairs to finish dinner as I fold my first load of laundry.
She calls me down to dinner...
Dinner was fine.
After, I mention that I need to see if the FedEx guy had left a package of registration cards for the shower invites at the front door.
I look and he had.
I go back into the kitchen, tell monster, then say I have to go finish the invites so I can be done with them and send them out tomorrow before work.
That's when it begins.
Now let me paint a normal after dinner situation.
We finish dinner...the vi goes out on the porch to have cigarette and read the paper...I sit at the table while the monster does the dishes.
Normal.
Since I have been a kid...this is what happens.
Well, today apparently there is a change in the cave and someone forgot to tell me.
After informing her that I have to go and finish the invites she starts getting upset.
"Oh, well OK, I thought you could help me, but don't worry about it I guess."
*Place eye roll here*
"What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing...don't worry. Just go."
"Mom seriously, I have to stuff and close 77 invitations, but do you want me to do something for you first?"
"Nope don't worry just go and finish."
"Fine."
I go and finish my invites. Of course as soon as I get upstairs I eavesdrop and listen to her bitching to my father about me. Same shit different day.
After I finish, I go downstairs to switch out my last load of laundry. I go into the kitchen and that's when the lecture begins.
The gist of it...
As a woman/daughter I should automatically want to help with cleaning up.
She doesn't know me, my life, my friends, nothing. She looks and talks to other mothers/daughters and feels empty.
She is the only one in my life that will ever help me.
When my life falls apart she is always there, but what is she aside from that.
She says I have hatred toward her...she feels my aggravation with her.
She believes that when I move out she will never see me again.
She then goes into the past with my ex husband and how we screwed up...literally went back 9 years ago.
I don't spend time with her on Friday/Saturday nights. When I do it's forced. She wants me to want to spend time with her.
She also said that when we were standing in line at the Dollar Store, she was standing behind me and we didn't talk so that was the first time she realized how alone she is. How we really don't have a relationship and she blames herself.
I told her that was 5 minutes out of the entire day and she is harping on the fact that we didn't talk while in line and surrounded my loud ass teenagers? Really? I told her to stop reading into shit.
I just sat there after that. I couldn't really disagree with the rest. I did however tell her that ever since I moved back I feel she is clingy. She wants a relationship with me that she has with my Nana and that is never going to happen. I am who I am...and it's not her.
After awhile she told me that she had talked my ear off enough and to go to my Nana's to get my jeans taken in.
So off I went downstairs.
As soon as my Nana's door closed I went off. I told her everything. I got so upset I cried.
This is strange to me since I don't like crying in front of my family. I never have. So I have to be really upset to do this and it only lasts until I can regain control again. When I cry I expect criticism or "why the hell are you crying" comments.
So there it is. Half way through purgatory. She goes back to work on Thursday, then Friday, then she has Saturday-Tuesday off. The only thing stopping a death in this house is that they may be spending the night at Foxwoods on Sunday. I may actually be able to enjoy my weekend.
We shall see.
As for now...I sit in this room, thinking about my life and where it is now. Kinda want to cry again.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Hand to Jesus
I am the type of person who truly appreciates the little things. Big things are always great, but little things come more often and usually mean a lot more.
I left for work on Wednesday like any other day. About a half hour into my shift I get a call on my cell phone. It was the monster. My heart drops a bit wondering what the hell I had done now.
I called her back.
What came out of her mouth made me so happy I was hardly able to pretend to care about the rest of the conversation.
The monster was so stressed about work (she had gotten suspended for a week with no pay) that the vi was taking her away to Foxwoods for the night. They wouldn't be home until Thursday afternoon.
From that moment on I couldn't concentrate. I wanted to go home as soon as possible just to take advantage of the peace and quiet.
I was able to maintain and stay focused at work until 9:15p and then I ran outta there!
A friend of mine decided to join me as well...
I decided to have a small celebration....this included wine and a huge ass sundaes!
Bad combo for anyone thinking about this same thing.
I got home, poured some wine, got comfy on the living room couch and watched TV.
So nice to feel normal for once.
I went to bed after 1 more glass of wine.
I woke up a bit nauseous, but had a smile on my face. So nice, so quiet, so relaxed.
I lounged in bed, talked to Cindi, then my Nana calls upstairs panicked. Crap.
I go down to see what got her all hyper.
She starts off by saying that she doesn't care who I had upstairs the night before she just doesn't want me to tell the monster.
I laughed and told her it was only one of my girlfriends.
She then closed her eyes, put her hand up like she was praising Jesus and started rambling...
"Melissa, Melissa, I don't want to know. Don't tell me."
"OK, but it's really not a big deal."
"Melissa, Melissa, please do not explain. I don't want to know therefore when monster asks me I won't be lying."
That sounded very fair.
She explained how if I did tell monster that she would be OK to my face and then run down to my Nana and complain about how she doesn't want to go away again cus I may bring another stranger into the house.
Nana completely understands the mental destruction that is the monster.
We decided to concoct a story. We are conniving women when put together. I love my Nana.
The monster and the vi had yet to come home and I had to soon get ready for work. I was so excited that I would reach a full 24 hours without seeing or hearing them.
No luck.
1:45p they walk in the door.
1:45!!!!!!
I had only a half hour to go before I had reached perfection.
I walk upstairs and the monster was right there at the landing.
I hugged and kissed her saying I had to go and get ready for work.
"What the hell? What do you mean?"
"I have to go get ready it's 1:45"
"Well, Jesus, you rush all the time."
"Well, I was down talking to Nana and came up when I had to get ready. So I have to go."
She didn't like that at all.
Oh well.
I went upstairs and started getting things together and getting dressed. Monster thought that was a perfect time to start questioning me about my jeans Nana had just sewn. I had explained the situation and why the waste of the jeans wasn't right, but she isn't quick with the uptake.
Between rushing to get ready and trying to listen to what she was rambling about I apparently got snippy.
I got snippy. Well shit let me start throwing questions at her when she's rushing and we'll see how snippy she gets.
I finally left for work.
I return home and she is passed out on the couch. Thank God!
I now face the rest of her suspension. I worry about how far up my ass she'll go.
I need a vacation, I need to get away, I need my dramatic and stressful life to become blissfully boring and happy.
It makes me sad sometimes that I've allowed my life to get so out of control that I see no calm in the near future.
Bad for me...good for you folks who like my bloggy.
I return home and she is passed out on the couch. Thank God!
I now face the rest of her suspension. I worry about how far up my ass she'll go.
I need a vacation, I need to get away, I need my dramatic and stressful life to become blissfully boring and happy.
It makes me sad sometimes that I've allowed my life to get so out of control that I see no calm in the near future.
Bad for me...good for you folks who like my bloggy.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Shoes and Surprises
Every other Friday=Bill Day.
I generally dread this day.
Receiving one's paycheck is supposed to be a glorious day. A day full of hope for what the next 2 weeks may bring. Not for me.
The day begins with me picking up my paycheck before work...working till 11:30p...then coming home by midnight only to have to sit down with the monster and delegate where my money is to go.
The monster has always used the "envelope" method. This method is where you cash your check, bring the cash home, then separate the money into different envelopes for different things.
My envelopes are as follows:
1. Car Insurance
2. Cell Phone
3. Medical/Co-Pay
4. Spa/Wax
5. Comcast
6. Savings
7. Car Repairs
8. Misc.
Once money is placed in each envelope I am then giving gas money and allowance (monster calls it "blow money"). This is to last me until my next check.
We got through and count the amount of money in each envelope...record it on the outside so she knows I'm not "stealing" any and she then makes me recount the ways I spent my blow money over the previous 2 weeks.
I try and rush her as much as I can so these nights can get pretty heated. She can't understand why I fight against her so much. For instance, we got in a fight over cable. Yes, TV.
One of the only things I demanded when I moved here was that I have HBO and Showtime. The vi bitched and moaned cus it is more money, but I'd be paying so once again he makes no sense.
She begins to tell me that I am going to have a big shock when I move out. I won't be able to have cable and most likely I'll have to decide over my cell or my Internet.
Oh hell no.
I laughed at her. She wanted to show me what it was going to be like and have my cable shut off in a month. I was pissed to say the least. She was not going to shut that off. I freaked out.
She smirked. Oh that bitch was loving the fact she had gotten me riled up.
She said she'll leave it on. I then followed that comment by saying, "And I'll have it when I move. I will find a way."
I personally don't think I fight against her enough.
This past Friday was my bonus check. YAY!
Extra money means extra things she wants me to get. On my list is shoes.
I have a shoe fetish.
I have bought shoes that will never touch pavement. I can last for hours in a shoe store. So when she said the word I perked up and became little miss sunshine kiss ass.
I was given $150 for shoes to which I planned on spending Monday with my friend Kate.
Sunday came.
Monster needed a coupon for future shopping and had me look it up on the store website. She requested I get this coupon for her. I went along with her excitement over this 10% off coupon until the end when I looked at her and said,
"Great...so would you like me to forward this to your email at work so you can print it?"
"What do you mean? You can't?"
"If I was Harry Potter I'm sure I could, but last time I checked I didn't have a printer."
My plan succeeded. The next words out of her mouth were "Take $100 and get a printer. I saw them for sale at Walmart."
Shoes and new technology.
Now of course this blessing of money came with the usual confusion of I can get shoes, but I can't spend it all.
Monday is here!
I meet Kate at her house and we go shopping crazy!
Bob's, Payless, Walmart, Five Guys Burgers for lunch.
I get home a little bit before the monster and spread my bounty out on my bed. 7 pairs of shoes and a deskjet wireless HP printer I bought for $56.
The deals I got were amazing.
I came home with with a little under $50.
The monster comes upstairs, stops at my door, and gawks at the items on my bed.
She is in awe. Things come out of her mouth like..."I can't believe it."
"You actually bargain shopped."
"I actually have to give you credit."
But of course, she has to throw in, "I guess this was just a lucky day for you."
No, not lucky, it's called maturity and shopping savvy. Something she doesn't think I have or ever had.
I guess I'll just have to take my small victories as they come to me.
I generally dread this day.
Receiving one's paycheck is supposed to be a glorious day. A day full of hope for what the next 2 weeks may bring. Not for me.
The day begins with me picking up my paycheck before work...working till 11:30p...then coming home by midnight only to have to sit down with the monster and delegate where my money is to go.
The monster has always used the "envelope" method. This method is where you cash your check, bring the cash home, then separate the money into different envelopes for different things.
My envelopes are as follows:
1. Car Insurance
2. Cell Phone
3. Medical/Co-Pay
4. Spa/Wax
5. Comcast
6. Savings
7. Car Repairs
8. Misc.
Once money is placed in each envelope I am then giving gas money and allowance (monster calls it "blow money"). This is to last me until my next check.
We got through and count the amount of money in each envelope...record it on the outside so she knows I'm not "stealing" any and she then makes me recount the ways I spent my blow money over the previous 2 weeks.
I try and rush her as much as I can so these nights can get pretty heated. She can't understand why I fight against her so much. For instance, we got in a fight over cable. Yes, TV.
One of the only things I demanded when I moved here was that I have HBO and Showtime. The vi bitched and moaned cus it is more money, but I'd be paying so once again he makes no sense.
She begins to tell me that I am going to have a big shock when I move out. I won't be able to have cable and most likely I'll have to decide over my cell or my Internet.
Oh hell no.
I laughed at her. She wanted to show me what it was going to be like and have my cable shut off in a month. I was pissed to say the least. She was not going to shut that off. I freaked out.
She smirked. Oh that bitch was loving the fact she had gotten me riled up.
She said she'll leave it on. I then followed that comment by saying, "And I'll have it when I move. I will find a way."
I personally don't think I fight against her enough.
This past Friday was my bonus check. YAY!
Extra money means extra things she wants me to get. On my list is shoes.
I have a shoe fetish.
I have bought shoes that will never touch pavement. I can last for hours in a shoe store. So when she said the word I perked up and became little miss sunshine kiss ass.
I was given $150 for shoes to which I planned on spending Monday with my friend Kate.
Sunday came.
Monster needed a coupon for future shopping and had me look it up on the store website. She requested I get this coupon for her. I went along with her excitement over this 10% off coupon until the end when I looked at her and said,
"Great...so would you like me to forward this to your email at work so you can print it?"
"What do you mean? You can't?"
"If I was Harry Potter I'm sure I could, but last time I checked I didn't have a printer."
My plan succeeded. The next words out of her mouth were "Take $100 and get a printer. I saw them for sale at Walmart."
Shoes and new technology.
Now of course this blessing of money came with the usual confusion of I can get shoes, but I can't spend it all.
Monday is here!
I meet Kate at her house and we go shopping crazy!
Bob's, Payless, Walmart, Five Guys Burgers for lunch.
I get home a little bit before the monster and spread my bounty out on my bed. 7 pairs of shoes and a deskjet wireless HP printer I bought for $56.
The deals I got were amazing.
I came home with with a little under $50.
The monster comes upstairs, stops at my door, and gawks at the items on my bed.
She is in awe. Things come out of her mouth like..."I can't believe it."
"You actually bargain shopped."
"I actually have to give you credit."
But of course, she has to throw in, "I guess this was just a lucky day for you."
No, not lucky, it's called maturity and shopping savvy. Something she doesn't think I have or ever had.
I guess I'll just have to take my small victories as they come to me.
Monday, March 28, 2011
The Battle at Swollen Throat
When your sick it usually helps to relax, get some rest, take some meds, etc. When living in the cave none of this is really possible.
I went to the doctor for my yearly prodding last Monday. The vi had made a huge spectacle of my throat looking swollen the night before so I asked the Doc to check it. My thyroid was a little swollen, but no real concern.
Wrong.
For the next 2 days I felt like I had joined the circus and decided to swallow glass for a living.
So much pain from such a small space. Tuesday was bad, Wednesday was worse.
I woke up at 8am, actually I was forced awake by the pain, had to run hysterically crying to my Nana's downstairs and have her go to the store and get me meds.
I slept all day, both days. Whenever the urge hit me, I slept. I couldn't at night so I had to when I could.
Finally the pain stopped, but the voice left. I told both parents that I did not want to talk since it hurt and I wanted to rest my voice so it would come back.
Yea, this plan didn't work for them. All though they had agreed it was a good one.
Every comment and question that came out of their months had to be answered verbally. Long explanations were needed since their not exactly bright.
What is it with people...when you tell them you can't or don't want to do something...they try as hard as they can to make you do it.
Coughing fits started at night and in the mornings. The monster has ridden my ass for days. Apparently she has a PhD. Who knew.
On Saturday the monster went out for the weekly shopping spree with my Nana. She returned home with the smallest bottle of Robitussin I have ever seen. Seriously, this is tiny. Looked like one dose.
She told me to take some to stop my cough since I don't listen to her and I don't take care of myself.
I took the dose to shut her up and told her I have to take another one in 4 hours. Her response...
"No I don't want that leaving the house. It's for all of us and I don't want you taking it to work."
OK, so let me get this straight. You get the cough meds for me, since I'm the only one sick. You have been complaining that I don't take anything. I have to retake it in 4 hours, yet you don't want me to take it to work so I can take it??
Anyone else as confused as I am?
So my weekend was filled with sighs, complaints, side glances, and comments every time I coughed. I am now a closet cough-er.
I refuse to cough around her. I can't take it. It's a battle of wills.
Finally today I woke up and my throat was swollen again and the coughing hasn't stopped (Robitussin works my ass)
I called the Dr. again and got in within the hour.
I am now on prescription cough pills and penicillin.
Once I told the monster she was beyond thrilled.
"I can't believe it! You actually went to the doctor. I told you! I'm so proud of you."
"See mom, I can take care of myself."
Snarky giggle...."Oh I don't know about that. Oh well I can't say much cus you actually went out to the doctor. Now did you take your medicine?"
"Yes, I told you about 3 times in the last 15 minutes." this was followed by eye roll.
"Are you sure? You better take them. What time did you take them?"
"I took it at 3pm. I can't take another until tomorrow. The penicillin is once a day."
"Oh my god! That means you have to get up at 3am to take another one! My god Melissa why did you take it so late?" The monster has started to shake and breathe heavily in exasperation.
"Really mom? A day is 24 hours not 12. I'll take another when I wake up tomorrow."
"Oh god. I don't know. That doesn't sound right. Oh Jesus now I'm gonna be paranoid."
"Yea, OK. I'm going upstairs."
Peace for now...they are downstairs commenting to each other about the news. I don't know why they even bother. Neither one of them really understand present day and the vi is deaf. What's the point?
I don't get it. I don't think I ever will and I'm really happy about that.
Side note about the vi:
He is confused as to why I want HBO and Showtime on my TV. He asked me what I watch cus every time he turns HBO on it's some naked lady.
Yea, he's not really watching normal HBO. It's Late Night HBO On Demand. Which I believe he has accidentally paid for without realizing it numerous times. His excuse....I thought Late Night meant Johnny Carson.
Um, not for years vi. Late Night to normal people means porn.
I tried to explain to him over and over again, but of course he's deaf. I repeated myself in front of the monster. Oh the face was priceless on her.
He finally got it at dinner when she was yelling at him (so he could hear her) that HBO is on normal TV, he doesn't need to use On Demand.
I can't wait to move the hell out.
I went to the doctor for my yearly prodding last Monday. The vi had made a huge spectacle of my throat looking swollen the night before so I asked the Doc to check it. My thyroid was a little swollen, but no real concern.
Wrong.
For the next 2 days I felt like I had joined the circus and decided to swallow glass for a living.
So much pain from such a small space. Tuesday was bad, Wednesday was worse.
I woke up at 8am, actually I was forced awake by the pain, had to run hysterically crying to my Nana's downstairs and have her go to the store and get me meds.
I slept all day, both days. Whenever the urge hit me, I slept. I couldn't at night so I had to when I could.
Finally the pain stopped, but the voice left. I told both parents that I did not want to talk since it hurt and I wanted to rest my voice so it would come back.
Yea, this plan didn't work for them. All though they had agreed it was a good one.
Every comment and question that came out of their months had to be answered verbally. Long explanations were needed since their not exactly bright.
What is it with people...when you tell them you can't or don't want to do something...they try as hard as they can to make you do it.
Coughing fits started at night and in the mornings. The monster has ridden my ass for days. Apparently she has a PhD. Who knew.
On Saturday the monster went out for the weekly shopping spree with my Nana. She returned home with the smallest bottle of Robitussin I have ever seen. Seriously, this is tiny. Looked like one dose.
She told me to take some to stop my cough since I don't listen to her and I don't take care of myself.
I took the dose to shut her up and told her I have to take another one in 4 hours. Her response...
"No I don't want that leaving the house. It's for all of us and I don't want you taking it to work."
OK, so let me get this straight. You get the cough meds for me, since I'm the only one sick. You have been complaining that I don't take anything. I have to retake it in 4 hours, yet you don't want me to take it to work so I can take it??
Anyone else as confused as I am?
So my weekend was filled with sighs, complaints, side glances, and comments every time I coughed. I am now a closet cough-er.
I refuse to cough around her. I can't take it. It's a battle of wills.
Finally today I woke up and my throat was swollen again and the coughing hasn't stopped (Robitussin works my ass)
I called the Dr. again and got in within the hour.
I am now on prescription cough pills and penicillin.
Once I told the monster she was beyond thrilled.
"I can't believe it! You actually went to the doctor. I told you! I'm so proud of you."
"See mom, I can take care of myself."
Snarky giggle...."Oh I don't know about that. Oh well I can't say much cus you actually went out to the doctor. Now did you take your medicine?"
"Yes, I told you about 3 times in the last 15 minutes." this was followed by eye roll.
"Are you sure? You better take them. What time did you take them?"
"I took it at 3pm. I can't take another until tomorrow. The penicillin is once a day."
"Oh my god! That means you have to get up at 3am to take another one! My god Melissa why did you take it so late?" The monster has started to shake and breathe heavily in exasperation.
"Really mom? A day is 24 hours not 12. I'll take another when I wake up tomorrow."
"Oh god. I don't know. That doesn't sound right. Oh Jesus now I'm gonna be paranoid."
"Yea, OK. I'm going upstairs."
Peace for now...they are downstairs commenting to each other about the news. I don't know why they even bother. Neither one of them really understand present day and the vi is deaf. What's the point?
I don't get it. I don't think I ever will and I'm really happy about that.
Side note about the vi:
He is confused as to why I want HBO and Showtime on my TV. He asked me what I watch cus every time he turns HBO on it's some naked lady.
Yea, he's not really watching normal HBO. It's Late Night HBO On Demand. Which I believe he has accidentally paid for without realizing it numerous times. His excuse....I thought Late Night meant Johnny Carson.
Um, not for years vi. Late Night to normal people means porn.
I tried to explain to him over and over again, but of course he's deaf. I repeated myself in front of the monster. Oh the face was priceless on her.
He finally got it at dinner when she was yelling at him (so he could hear her) that HBO is on normal TV, he doesn't need to use On Demand.
I can't wait to move the hell out.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Love and Marriage
So let me begin by saying I'm the type of girl who wants a guy that will be a mix of protective, jealous, proud, and trustful. I want a guy that will stop another guy from making a move, but be proud to show me off. I'm not asking for much...just to feel wanted, needed, that I'm important to someone who loves me.
Now this isn't a bash against my ex-husband by any means. He was and is a great guy, but things went sour as alot of relationships do. He lacked a few of the traits I like, but that's not what got to us in the end. One of the traits he lacked was the jealous/protectiveness, no backbone so to speak; so let's call him Jello.
Jello and I met about 12 years ago. He had a crush on me from afar and eventually it made it's way to me. We were set up by a manager at the store we worked at.
Our relationship was up and down; admittedly I was clingy. Not good.
We broke up numerous times. The longest was 8 months; only to get back together after a horrible car accident he had been in.
After that only one more break up and then we stayed together.
We first lived in an apartment with 5 people. That was interesting to say the least.
Jello and I had so many financial issues that we had to get the monster involved to help get us on a budget. Big Mistake. She jumped in with verve! Knew everything about everything.
Between Jello getting upset about money he couldn't spend cus it was going into savings to monster complaining to me that Jello is going to screw me over money wise, I was at a breaking point.
Between Jello getting upset about money he couldn't spend cus it was going into savings to monster complaining to me that Jello is going to screw me over money wise, I was at a breaking point.
The monster eventually got us secure enough where we could finally afford our own apartment and Jello could get me an engagement ring.
He proposed before we moved. We were happy and all those things.
We got our own place and it was great!
Things seemed to be moving in the right direction. I mean this is what couples are supposed to do right? Get on board financially together, get engaged, get an apartment...good. Great. Not so much.
Things were great for awhile. Got a nice savings account going for both of us which we were going to combine after the wedding to get a house.
Wedding drama was horrible with the monster and vi, but we got through it.
Honeymoon time in San Francisco and Napa.
Napa was wonderful. We rented a convertible and drove in the sun through the vineyards. Wine tastings and great food. I got sick and we spent a day in the hotel room. I felt bad, but there was nothing I could do.
We moved on to San Fran.
Once there Jello checked his checking account to which all our money was in. This included the wedding checks he had deposited before we left.
In Napa we had plenty of money, San Fran....negative $800.
He lost his mind. Called the bank and they informed him that since my signature wasn't on the checks as well they had to remove them. He was a mess. Crying, screaming, snot everywhere. I couldn't understand why he was so upset when I could easily see a solution.
When he started swearing at the guy on the phone I took the phone away from him and spoke with the banker. I requested that the overdraft be removed as a courtesy and he agreed. I then asked for money to be transferred from Jello's savings to his checking in the amount of the wedding checks. The banker then stated he did not see a savings account. I said "Yes, there is a savings. It's about $5,000"
Banker "No, there is only the checking and a savings account that was closed a while back."
Me "We'll call you back."
I hung up the phone.
Jello was in the bathroom on the floor crying. I walked in and calmly asked "Why is he saying there is no savings account?"
Jello then proceeded to tell me that 5 months before the wedding he started spending the money in the account on random things. Finally after numerous warnings the bank shut down the account and the left over balance of $500 was transferred to his savings. He then figured well since it's in my checking I'll spend it.
I was shaking, but I stayed extremely calm to the point where he was asking me to yell at him. I didn't.
I think shock had taken over.
I asked him why he didn't tell me and his answer was that he was afraid I wouldn't marry him. Um, yea, that is a very valid fear.
He handed me his wedding band and went into the bathroom. I waited a bit and then followed only to find him testing the sharpness of his razor on his thumb.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"You don't need to be with me. I'm a fuck up. You should just leave me here and go back home"
Great, suicide always solved everything. Ugh.
I'm too old for this shit. I've put up with his lies about money for years. Now, here we are stuck in California with no money on our honeymoon which is turning out to be a nightmare. I just got married for god sake. What am I supposed to do??
I went back to sit on the bed. He came out a few minutes later and sat on a chair. I made him call his parents and tell them what happened. He was terrified, but I made him. I didn't mess up and I sure wasn't going to fix his mess. He called them and they deposited money into his account to get us through the rest of the trip. I told him that I will control every penny until that money is back. I will dominate his life until he pays that money back. He agreed.
OK.
We get back home. Things went as planned for awhile until I found out he was hiding money again. Caught him hiding interest checks that came in from his Discover Card. Who did I marry? What did I do?
Seriously?
My loss of trust for him tainted everything else. I lost any feelings of intimacy, respect, any want of a future with him. I stayed faithful for a year after our marriage.
In December of 2009 I reconnected with someone that I had had a crush on during my teen years. We talked and the friendship was rekindled pretty quickly.
We finally met face to face in Feb. 2010 and had our first kiss. Talked almost everyday after that. He told me he loved me on Easter. I felt a fire I never had felt before. I still do to this day.
Now don't get me wrong, I tried to come up with ideas on how to fix my marriage, but 12 years of bullshit wears on a person. Then to basically be slapped in the face on your honeymoon?
I wanted out. I had done all I could do. When your so fed up you can't even kiss your spouse, it's go time.
In July, I moved him out of "our" bedroom and into the office. We stayed as roommates until finally in Sept. 2010 we filed for divorce. Right after I decided to tell him about my boyfriend and he then proceeded to tell me about his girlfriend.
We lived together until November, when our lease was up, and that is when I moved into the cave.
The night before I left, Jello was supposed to stay and help me pack up a few extra things. That didn't work out as planned.
He came home all stressed out saying he wasn't staying and needed to leave. I told him he couldn't cus he promised to help me. He said "Fine, what do I need to do?"
I told him what needed to be done. He did it with speed I haven't seen in years. Once completed he said "OK anything else?"
"No...."
"OK, I'm leaving." He got his coat on, filled up his backpack with clothes, opened the front door and looked back at me...."It's been fun." and off he went to spend the night with his girlfriend.
It's been fun?? After 12 years...it's been fun? Are you kidding me?
I cried so hard my friend Cindi, who was there for support, had to hold me to fall asleep.
Well, moving day came and I went from sad to pissed. With some friendly provoking I allowed a friend to take Jello's TV trays, I emptied the last of his Patron into a water bottle and refilled the Patron bottle with water, and then to top it off I took the last wedding photo we had out, put a sticky note over his face that said "it's been fun" and put that picture smack in the middle of the empty living room.
I've only seen Jello once since I moved out. He said he had been angry about how I left.
How I left?
I quickly reminded him about his lovely walk out and he didn't remember ever doing or saying what he did.
Yea, OK. I know you have short term memory loss from the car accident, but you don't just say something like that and not remember. I call shenanigans.
So here I am. Sitting in the cave. I don't regret my decision. I am a little sad that 12 years of knowing each other, of friendship, is now gone.
But, I know he's happy and that makes me happy.
Things were great for awhile. Got a nice savings account going for both of us which we were going to combine after the wedding to get a house.
Wedding drama was horrible with the monster and vi, but we got through it.
Honeymoon time in San Francisco and Napa.
Napa was wonderful. We rented a convertible and drove in the sun through the vineyards. Wine tastings and great food. I got sick and we spent a day in the hotel room. I felt bad, but there was nothing I could do.
We moved on to San Fran.
Once there Jello checked his checking account to which all our money was in. This included the wedding checks he had deposited before we left.
In Napa we had plenty of money, San Fran....negative $800.
He lost his mind. Called the bank and they informed him that since my signature wasn't on the checks as well they had to remove them. He was a mess. Crying, screaming, snot everywhere. I couldn't understand why he was so upset when I could easily see a solution.
When he started swearing at the guy on the phone I took the phone away from him and spoke with the banker. I requested that the overdraft be removed as a courtesy and he agreed. I then asked for money to be transferred from Jello's savings to his checking in the amount of the wedding checks. The banker then stated he did not see a savings account. I said "Yes, there is a savings. It's about $5,000"
Banker "No, there is only the checking and a savings account that was closed a while back."
Me "We'll call you back."
I hung up the phone.
Jello was in the bathroom on the floor crying. I walked in and calmly asked "Why is he saying there is no savings account?"
Jello then proceeded to tell me that 5 months before the wedding he started spending the money in the account on random things. Finally after numerous warnings the bank shut down the account and the left over balance of $500 was transferred to his savings. He then figured well since it's in my checking I'll spend it.
I was shaking, but I stayed extremely calm to the point where he was asking me to yell at him. I didn't.
I think shock had taken over.
I asked him why he didn't tell me and his answer was that he was afraid I wouldn't marry him. Um, yea, that is a very valid fear.
He handed me his wedding band and went into the bathroom. I waited a bit and then followed only to find him testing the sharpness of his razor on his thumb.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"You don't need to be with me. I'm a fuck up. You should just leave me here and go back home"
Great, suicide always solved everything. Ugh.
I'm too old for this shit. I've put up with his lies about money for years. Now, here we are stuck in California with no money on our honeymoon which is turning out to be a nightmare. I just got married for god sake. What am I supposed to do??
I went back to sit on the bed. He came out a few minutes later and sat on a chair. I made him call his parents and tell them what happened. He was terrified, but I made him. I didn't mess up and I sure wasn't going to fix his mess. He called them and they deposited money into his account to get us through the rest of the trip. I told him that I will control every penny until that money is back. I will dominate his life until he pays that money back. He agreed.
OK.
We get back home. Things went as planned for awhile until I found out he was hiding money again. Caught him hiding interest checks that came in from his Discover Card. Who did I marry? What did I do?
Seriously?
My loss of trust for him tainted everything else. I lost any feelings of intimacy, respect, any want of a future with him. I stayed faithful for a year after our marriage.
In December of 2009 I reconnected with someone that I had had a crush on during my teen years. We talked and the friendship was rekindled pretty quickly.
We finally met face to face in Feb. 2010 and had our first kiss. Talked almost everyday after that. He told me he loved me on Easter. I felt a fire I never had felt before. I still do to this day.
Now don't get me wrong, I tried to come up with ideas on how to fix my marriage, but 12 years of bullshit wears on a person. Then to basically be slapped in the face on your honeymoon?
I wanted out. I had done all I could do. When your so fed up you can't even kiss your spouse, it's go time.
In July, I moved him out of "our" bedroom and into the office. We stayed as roommates until finally in Sept. 2010 we filed for divorce. Right after I decided to tell him about my boyfriend and he then proceeded to tell me about his girlfriend.
We lived together until November, when our lease was up, and that is when I moved into the cave.
The night before I left, Jello was supposed to stay and help me pack up a few extra things. That didn't work out as planned.
He came home all stressed out saying he wasn't staying and needed to leave. I told him he couldn't cus he promised to help me. He said "Fine, what do I need to do?"
I told him what needed to be done. He did it with speed I haven't seen in years. Once completed he said "OK anything else?"
"No...."
"OK, I'm leaving." He got his coat on, filled up his backpack with clothes, opened the front door and looked back at me...."It's been fun." and off he went to spend the night with his girlfriend.
It's been fun?? After 12 years...it's been fun? Are you kidding me?
I cried so hard my friend Cindi, who was there for support, had to hold me to fall asleep.
Well, moving day came and I went from sad to pissed. With some friendly provoking I allowed a friend to take Jello's TV trays, I emptied the last of his Patron into a water bottle and refilled the Patron bottle with water, and then to top it off I took the last wedding photo we had out, put a sticky note over his face that said "it's been fun" and put that picture smack in the middle of the empty living room.
I've only seen Jello once since I moved out. He said he had been angry about how I left.
How I left?
I quickly reminded him about his lovely walk out and he didn't remember ever doing or saying what he did.
Yea, OK. I know you have short term memory loss from the car accident, but you don't just say something like that and not remember. I call shenanigans.
So here I am. Sitting in the cave. I don't regret my decision. I am a little sad that 12 years of knowing each other, of friendship, is now gone.
But, I know he's happy and that makes me happy.
Monday, March 21, 2011
I was born...I grew up.
My entrance into the monster's cave began on December 13, 1978. What may explain some of her severe psychosis is that I was the only baby to survive out of her 3. Now, I have complained and poked fun at the monster, but in all truth she is the strongest woman I know. I get my strength, kindness, and no bullshit attitude from her. The crazy, thank god, she did not pass on.
The monster has worked her bum off throughout my life. She has been a house keeper, college student, and now a secretary. She worked so hard in my younger years that her health now isn't so great. She has lost her taste and smell due to working with ammonia. She has severe arthritis from cleaning on her hands and knees. So many aliments so little time.
I don't know my biological father Ray, but I do know what I got from him. Everything that shocks her. My relaxed way to look at things, my open mind, etc.
The vi came into the picture when I was 1. They met at McDonald's when my shoe fell off and he came over dressed in his Naval uniform, bent down and put my shoe back on. The rest is history.
Growing up was not easy by any means and my explanation will be somewhat detailed. Why not right? If I'm writing about them, no holds barred.
The vi has had a chemical imbalance his whole life. I could time his freak outs almost perfectly. In the beginning he would lose it every few months or so. Go through the house smashing everything in his path, swearing at the top of his lungs, threatening random things. I would hide in my room, either under my covers, in the closet, or on one side of my bed. Always holding my dog tight. It was scary to say the least, but we didn't know it was chemical at the time. I do remember hearing him leave and then opening my bedroom door to a rug of broken glass and my mother screaming at me to stay in my room. Once she picked everything up I ventured to the living room and found the couch overturned and the coffee table broken in half. Good times.
This type of behavior continued, but became few and far between. I started counting every 5 years. He finally got medical help when I was about 17. I was at my breaking point! I told my mother I leave or he does. Well, it was him. She went into the bedroom and lost her shit. Told him to get out. He started to cry and said he will go to the doctor and find out what is wrong. He got on meds and has pretty much been fine ever since. Except for the last freak out which was about 2 or 3 years ago during Christmas. He had waited until my ex-husband and I arrived. He got off the couch, came into the kitchen, called my mother a few choice words, then left. It was odd to say the least and the old feelings of wanting to run and hide came back. He has never hurt my mother physically so that was a saving grace.
Me on the other hand...not so much. The worst situation was when he gave me a black eye over ice cream.
Strangely enough you would think I wouldn't have much of a relationship with him now, but since I moved back we have been pretty good to each other.
Myself? Well, growing up was tough. Fat girl in school is not fun. In fact, it's hell. When people talk about being bullied it makes me wonder if they really know what it's like. Waking up in the morning dreading what lies ahead, faking being sick so there may be a chance you won't have to go, depression to the point of suicidal feelings, crying when ever you get the chance to be alone. You don't know unless you've lived it.
I guess I could say going through it has made me who I am today, but truth is I made me who I am today. I have finally learned to like myself. It's been years, but I have arrived.
I feel sexy, beautiful, I'm in love, and even in my current predicament I'm hopeful for my future even if it's uncertain right now. I'm following my heart down a path where it could get broken, but I'm taking that chance. I'm trusting in myself to make the right decision. I'm putting my faith and trust in the person who has my heart.
I've been through alot in my life, more than most. I feel that it's a blessing to still have the ability to trust, love, and hope. I haven't turned to stone and I don't see that happening anytime soon.
The monster has worked her bum off throughout my life. She has been a house keeper, college student, and now a secretary. She worked so hard in my younger years that her health now isn't so great. She has lost her taste and smell due to working with ammonia. She has severe arthritis from cleaning on her hands and knees. So many aliments so little time.
I don't know my biological father Ray, but I do know what I got from him. Everything that shocks her. My relaxed way to look at things, my open mind, etc.
The vi came into the picture when I was 1. They met at McDonald's when my shoe fell off and he came over dressed in his Naval uniform, bent down and put my shoe back on. The rest is history.
Growing up was not easy by any means and my explanation will be somewhat detailed. Why not right? If I'm writing about them, no holds barred.
The vi has had a chemical imbalance his whole life. I could time his freak outs almost perfectly. In the beginning he would lose it every few months or so. Go through the house smashing everything in his path, swearing at the top of his lungs, threatening random things. I would hide in my room, either under my covers, in the closet, or on one side of my bed. Always holding my dog tight. It was scary to say the least, but we didn't know it was chemical at the time. I do remember hearing him leave and then opening my bedroom door to a rug of broken glass and my mother screaming at me to stay in my room. Once she picked everything up I ventured to the living room and found the couch overturned and the coffee table broken in half. Good times.
This type of behavior continued, but became few and far between. I started counting every 5 years. He finally got medical help when I was about 17. I was at my breaking point! I told my mother I leave or he does. Well, it was him. She went into the bedroom and lost her shit. Told him to get out. He started to cry and said he will go to the doctor and find out what is wrong. He got on meds and has pretty much been fine ever since. Except for the last freak out which was about 2 or 3 years ago during Christmas. He had waited until my ex-husband and I arrived. He got off the couch, came into the kitchen, called my mother a few choice words, then left. It was odd to say the least and the old feelings of wanting to run and hide came back. He has never hurt my mother physically so that was a saving grace.
Me on the other hand...not so much. The worst situation was when he gave me a black eye over ice cream.
Strangely enough you would think I wouldn't have much of a relationship with him now, but since I moved back we have been pretty good to each other.
Myself? Well, growing up was tough. Fat girl in school is not fun. In fact, it's hell. When people talk about being bullied it makes me wonder if they really know what it's like. Waking up in the morning dreading what lies ahead, faking being sick so there may be a chance you won't have to go, depression to the point of suicidal feelings, crying when ever you get the chance to be alone. You don't know unless you've lived it.
I guess I could say going through it has made me who I am today, but truth is I made me who I am today. I have finally learned to like myself. It's been years, but I have arrived.
I feel sexy, beautiful, I'm in love, and even in my current predicament I'm hopeful for my future even if it's uncertain right now. I'm following my heart down a path where it could get broken, but I'm taking that chance. I'm trusting in myself to make the right decision. I'm putting my faith and trust in the person who has my heart.
I've been through alot in my life, more than most. I feel that it's a blessing to still have the ability to trust, love, and hope. I haven't turned to stone and I don't see that happening anytime soon.
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