I was born...I grew up.

My entrance into the monster's cave began on December 13, 1978.  What may explain some of her severe psychosis is that I was the only baby to survive out of her 3.  Now, I have complained and poked fun at the monster, but in all truth she is the strongest woman I know.  I get my strength, kindness, and no bullshit attitude from her.  The crazy, thank god, she did not pass on.
The monster has worked her bum off throughout my life.  She has been a house keeper, college student, and now a secretary.  She worked so hard in my younger years that her health now isn't so great.  She has lost her taste and smell due to working with ammonia.  She has severe arthritis from cleaning on her hands and knees.  So many aliments so little time.
I don't know my biological father Ray, but I do know what I got from him.  Everything that shocks her.  My relaxed way to look at things, my open mind, etc.
The vi came into the picture when I was 1.  They met at McDonald's when my shoe fell off and he came over dressed in his Naval uniform, bent down and put my shoe back on.  The rest is history.
Growing up was not easy by any means and my explanation will be somewhat detailed.  Why not right?  If I'm writing about them, no holds barred.
The vi has had a chemical imbalance his whole life.  I could time his freak outs almost perfectly.  In the beginning he would lose it every few months or so.  Go through the house smashing everything in his path, swearing at the top of his lungs, threatening random things.  I would hide in my room, either under my covers, in the closet, or on one side of my bed.  Always holding my dog tight.  It was scary to say the least, but we didn't know it was chemical at the time.  I do remember hearing him leave and then opening my bedroom door to a rug of broken glass and my mother screaming at me to stay in my room.  Once she picked everything up I ventured to the living room and found the couch overturned and the coffee table broken in half.  Good times.
This type of behavior continued, but became few and far between.  I started counting every 5 years.  He finally got medical help when I was about 17.  I was at my breaking point!  I told my mother I leave or he does.  Well, it was him.  She went into the bedroom and lost her shit.  Told him to get out.  He started to cry and said he will go to the doctor and find out what is wrong.  He got on meds and has pretty much been fine ever since.  Except for the last freak out which was about 2 or 3 years ago during Christmas.  He had waited until my ex-husband and I arrived.  He got off the couch, came into the kitchen, called my mother a few choice words, then left.  It was odd to say the least and the old feelings of wanting to run and hide came back.  He has never hurt my mother physically so that was a saving grace.
Me on the other hand...not so much.  The worst situation was when he gave me a black eye over ice cream.
Strangely enough you would think I wouldn't have much of a relationship with him now, but since I moved back we have been pretty good to each other.
Myself? Well, growing up was tough.  Fat girl in school is not fun.  In fact, it's hell.  When people talk about being bullied it makes me wonder if they really know what it's like.  Waking up in the morning dreading what lies ahead, faking being sick so there may be a chance you won't have to go, depression to the point of suicidal feelings, crying when ever you get the chance to be alone.  You don't know unless you've lived it.
I guess I could say going through it has made me who I am today, but truth is I made me who I am today.  I have finally learned to like myself.  It's been years, but I have arrived.
I feel sexy, beautiful, I'm in love, and even in my current predicament I'm hopeful for my future even if it's uncertain right now.  I'm following my heart down a path where it could get broken, but I'm taking that chance.  I'm trusting in myself to make the right decision.  I'm putting my faith and trust in the person who has my heart.
I've been through alot in my life, more than most.  I feel that it's a blessing to still have the ability to trust, love, and hope.  I haven't turned to stone and I don't see that happening anytime soon.