Yea I'll grow a beard and then kick you in the balls!

The last few days have been filled with laughter, anger, aggravation, tears, and numbness.
Yea it sounds dramatic, but when one of those days is driven by PMS, everything that day is dramatic.

Sunday was a pretty great day over all.  I woke up early to go shopping with the monster.  We first went out to Best Buy where I got my first Christmas present; a new car stereo that will be installed on the 31st.  Happy New Year to me!  Been without a radio since about August...singing to myself has gotten pretty old and I'm sure it has made more than a few fellow drivers think I'm nuts.
We then went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond where I got my next present of a beautiful king bed set, decorative pillows and all!
Off to the mall!  Coach, where I got my favorite bag a Christmas present of its own! A new smaller wallet!  Ridiculous, maybe, but when the man you love gives you something you never expected, you get silly and it becomes your prized possession.
Then we went to Sephora, Pandora (monster wants the vi to get her a bracelet), and then Macy's.
Kmart in Billerica for the final stop and home we went.
Monster and I actually got along, talked, laughed.  She was a normal mom.  I enjoyed being out with her, first time in a long time.
Got home, she cooked dinner, I wrapped some gifts, and took a nap.
Oh and the conversation we had....mobile homes.  She's back to liking the idea.  I'm just wondering when she's gonna hate it again.

Monday.  Horrible.  Most of it was me, but ALOT of it was them.  I didn't want to be bothered as soon as I woke up.  I had a migraine and the dreaded PMS.
I tried to stay away from the vi, but had no help from the monster.  She did her usual email that just read "call me"  I called and she started freaking out about how my dad messes everything up, she's sick of it, she needs to take days off in order to get anything done the right way, etc, etc....
At one point she even called me to say she wanted me to go downstairs and tell my father that I didn't want to get involved, but if the TV wasn't correct (he switched out the old for a new and the color was off) that she was gonna rip it out of the wall and throw it out.
WTF...does that not put me right in the middle of it??  Why on gods green earth would I want to voluntarily go downstairs and involuntarily start a fight with him?
He was already pacing downstairs.  He then started coming up and down the stairs bitching to me about her...why do I have to be involved in their arguments?  Can these people not argue correctly?  Do they need a middle man?  Sweet Christ...I don't want that job!

Monster comes home and all hell broke loose.  They start yelling at each other downstairs, monster basically calling the vi an idiot and so on.
Now the monster doesn't care if my dad snaps.  Which he does occasionally, but this scares the shit out of me.  He gets nasty and physical.  So I wait and worry.
They come upstairs and she continues to complain, now about the new shower head the plumber had put on earlier.
He yells back, takes off the new shower head and puts back the old.  Goes downstairs and waits in the kitchen.
I'm just sitting in my room not saying a word.
When she's done getting changed I follow her to the kitchen and set the table.  She starts making comments about how bad the TV is which prompts the vi to call Comcast on the spot.
The operator tells him she can assist with replacing the old TV right over the phone.  Monster looks at me and says "Help your father."
Help him do what?  He's on the phone with help.
Now between his deafness and his bad eyesight this call quickly turned into a shit show...he's complaining, she's complaining and I'm just getting pissy-er.
Finally I stand up, walk over to my dad and take the phone.  I quickly do what the operator told me to and set the remote back to the old TV.
During this phone call both the monster and vi are arguing behind me to which the vi screams out "Would you shut the fuck up!"
Nice.  Comcast lady thankfully ignored that and so didn't I.  White trash in the middle of beautiful middle class Tewksbury.

Dinner was kinda quiet with the vi only making a few comments and then going out for a cigarette while she cleaned up.
He went to watch TV and then she decided to go in and sit with him so they "could cuddle like newlyweds."
I'm not shitting you.  This woman can change emotions on a dime.
I take over the kitchen and make gifts for my co-workers.  She comes in about 2 hours later, I'm tired, my feet hurt, I'm done and ready to go upstairs.  She starts commenting on my gifts and how she loves what I did, but maybe I should do this or that differently...why is this jar like this...what about doing that instead...
Holy shit! I just gave quick answers of No.

Finally I said I was going upstairs and she gave a sad sigh and answer of "well OK I guess"...really? I've been in this kitchen since 5pm and you come in at 8:30p when I'm ready to leave and get upset about it....
What...the...fuck...ever.  I ignored her and went upstairs.


"Your parents love you..." she sings
VI sticks his head over her shoulder
"Hey Melis...I want you to grow a beard.  Grow a beard..." he really thinks he's funny.
"So she can be a caveman." she giggles.
"Hey Melis...I'm gonna buy you a beard, a big scraggly one, so you can wear it in your cave. (asking the monster) She saying anything? She doesn't give a shit."

Now during all of this I'm not saying shit.  I'm just staring with a blank expression at the both of them.
I'm so fucking sick of this crap.  I have to deal with this bullshit on a daily basis and then pretend it's funny? Hell no!
Come January 1st I'm giving myself 4 months to get the fuck out of here!

Ho, Ho, Ho...where did I go?

For the last 3 years the holidays have been pretty tough for me.
'09 I realized I was unhappy in my marriage, but still had to play the part with family
'10 I was newly divorced, living back with my parents, and the man I want to be with is not with me.
This year, still with the parents, stressing about finding a place, and still not with my panda.
It seems to get harder with each passing year.
Now to add to my holiday blues, the monster is playing her roller coaster of approval game again.

I had a plan to move out of the cave at the beginning of the year, that didn't go as planned.
I then thought it would be a good idea to buy a place.  I was looking at mobile homes, the stationary ones that look like homes.  I mentioned how this was highly viewed by the monster in my last blog.
Well, that has changed for some reason.
Monsters new view on the mobile home is that it is too much work for me.  I don't live with a man so who will do the yard work or shovel/snowplow the drive way for me?  Yea, really, she said that. No joke.
I'd then have to purchase a lawnmower and a snow blower which would be too costly for me.
The VI said that mobile homes built before 1980 or so were built with Formaldehyde, so we would have to gut the whole place and have it redone.  I take this with a grain of salt since we all know how smart the VI is.
I asked about a condo, apparently I don't have enough money.
Now they say I should look at a studio apartment.  Monster does not want me living with a room mate at any cost.
She believes it won't work, I'll get screwed.  She's always dreamed/wanted me to live on my own.  I'll apparently love it.
I'm not a live alone kind of girl.  I have an overactive imagination!  I can turn any noise into a flesh eating monster coming to get me cus I'm fat and tasty!
If I do decide to go against her "wishes" it's gonna be World War 3 in this house for a long time and if anything were to go wrong I'd never live it down.  Even in death they'd find a way to say "I told ya so!"

So now I'm stuck.  I don't want a studio apartment.  I have enough furniture to fill a house and I hate the thought of having people over to hang out in my bedroom.
I just want space, freedom, relief.  I want to be happy with where I live, not settle cus I want to get out so badly I can taste it.
I'm scratching at the walls here!  Crying nightly has become a ritual before bed.  Can I say this to the monster? Of course not, she's the poster child for the perfect parent, didn't you know?

People tell me constantly, it's your life, you can't let her tell you what to do, etc, etc.
It's easier said then done.  The shit I have had to deal with by going against her or the constant comments of how I "never" listen to them and I always make the wrong decisions.  That wears on a person after awhile and you just want to shut them up.
I don't want a studio and I'm gonna do my damnedest not to end up in one, but I may have to suck it up.
I'd prefer a big place with a room mate then the quiet, boring, loneliness, of living alone.

All in all it just adds up to I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm tired of waiting for good things to happen to me, I want things to start changing in my favor.  I want my freedom, I want my space, I want my sanity, I want my panda, I want myself back!

Definitely tricks...no treats

I know it's been awhile since I last blogged, but it's the same old shit everyday.  Last thing I'd want to do is become boring or sound like a broken record.
The adventures of the monster and vi do continue though.
The monster and I have been doing somewhat OK with each other lately.  I had an idea of buying a place instead of renting and she is behind it 100%.  I'm thinking of buying a mobile home, no wheels, the house like ones.
Shocked me a bit, but then I realized, of course she's behind it she had mentioned me buying one for years when I was with Jello.  He never wanted to cus it was dubbed "a mobile home".
She'll always be a cheerleader for anything she thought of that I follow.

Halloween or as I called it November-ween, was as ridiculous as ever.
She generally spends about $300 on candy and the cave is known as the best house for candy in the neighborhood.
Last year I came up with an idea on how to make the candy giving easier since she gives multiple things to each kid.  This year, for instance, she gave each trick or treater a giant pixie stick, an airhead, a bag of cracker jacks, and a bag of chips.
I took each item, punched a hole in it, weaved some twine through, and created little bundles of happy.
All she has to do is picked up the twine and drop the bundle in a bag. Done.
She forgot to ask me this year until 4pm day of.
There I sat on the hallway floor surrounded by sugar and bags, creating bundles and watching her run around like a chicken with her head cut off.  We had to eat by 4pm just in case any early birds rang the bell.
Sadistically I was hoping they would come early just to see the look of fear, shock, and adrenaline shoot through her all at once.
Finally, we got dressed and ready for the little bastards to start showing up.
My plan was to sit inside on the stairs and continue the bundles while she stood outside on the porch passing stuff out.
Then came the questions.
"where are your shoes?"
"where's your jacket?"
"your gonna wear that?"
"isn't that a little low cut?"

These questions were repeated about 5 times each within about a half hour.  They only stopped cus I freaked and told her to leave me the hell alone.  Nana told her the same thing.  I love being backed up by the matriarch, it's such a power trip.
Only got about 100 kids when we're used to about 250.  Monster was shocked and bummed.

Monday came.
I headed out to see an old friend for lunch and once I got home I didn't want to do anything but sit and read.  Didn't think anything was wrong with this, but once the monster came upstairs to get ready for bed I knew my decision hadn't gone over well.
"Yea know it would have been nice to see you today.  I'm not gonna see you all week"
*Groan*
Really? You can't go a day without seeing me? Not only did the woman see me earlier than normal on Saturday night, but she saw me all day (literally) on Sunday AND she has this Friday off.  Plus, I was right here, in the house...I can't be alone and read in peace without having to stop, go downstairs, have a forced conversation so you can "see me", then come upstairs and continue what I was doin?
What the hell are they going to do when I move?  What the hell did they do before I moved back?

Anyway, the monster went into ignore mode, but when I woke up this morning there was a nice note from her, like nothing was wrong at all.  Crazypants.

The vi is just one hell of an annoying SOB.
I can't handle it.  He's making me lose my mind.
I left early today to get an oil change.  I was running late which was very clear since I was basically running down the stairs and throwing things into my car.
He, for some odd reason, had parked behind me.  I asked him to move his car.
"No."
"Dad, I have to go get an oil change."
"I know."
He stands there and watches me pack up my car.  I turn and stare back at him.
"So could you move your car?"
"Are you gonna move yours?"
"Really?  I just said I have to get an oil change, of course I'm moving my car."

What the hell?  Am I being punk'd?
1. the man needs a hearing aide
2.  he needs an attitude adjustment
3.  he needs to stop thinking he's funny

This sounds humorous to an outsider, but I know what he's really doing.  He's done it my whole life.
He wants me to get riled up.  He wants a fight.  It's almost like he yearns for it; to have a reason to explode.
Thankfully I've learned to play the game and I now win every time.
Take that you village idiot.

Perceptions

If your looking for stories of the monster and vi...this blog won't give them to you.  Its been the same with them lately.  Dumb ass questions, actions, but both have been in pretty good moods.  I won't say that my level of aggravation and annoyance has gone down.  It hasn't by any means, but it's tolerable at the moment.
I feel the need to just write...
Notate my favorite quotes, perceptions on life and situations, etc.  
You may see this as boring, but tough, my blog my choice...*add raspberry noise here*


Family
The quote "the grass is always greener on the other side" is such a true statement.  
I remember growing up and wishing that I had parents like my friends.  Always fun, relaxed, had parties, went cool places, etc.  Of course I grew out of that and learned of the hardships each of my parents had gone through.  I appreciate them for who they are and what they've taught me.  
Now I just wish they'd have a drink or at least smoke some pot to friggen relax and enjoy life instead of always fearing it.
There have been a few deliveries to the cave in the last few weeks such as a new couch and new frig...both times monster thought the deliver guys were casing the house.  Way to be paranoid.


Favorite family quotes:
~Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. ---- George Burns
~If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. ----George Bernard Shaw
~Family is a mixed blessing. You’re glad to have one, but it’s also like receiving a life sentence for a crime you didn’t commit. ~Richard Pryor


Friendship
This to me is linked with family, but it means more since I don't really know most of my family.  I know I have more family members out there somewhere, but damned if I know them. 
Friends mean the world to me.  Loyalty, no judgement, understanding, laughing, crying, everything a person needs to get through any situation.
I wouldn't be where I am right now if it wasn't for my friends, especially my bestie.  She has pulled me through more than I could ever write about.  She's been there through it all.  And I mean all of it and there's much more to come for both of us.  
I try to be the best friend I can be to all my friends.  Sometimes it's tough depending on life and drama, but I do the best I can.  I cherish the ones that stick by me and will always view them as family.  They've earned the title.


Favorite friendship quotes:
~“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”
~"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are."
~"Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families."
~“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” 


Love
Love is a funny thing.
One minute your floating and everything is right with the world.  Then next moment your world is collapsing for something that could be so small to anyone else.
I've learned you have to find faith in love.  You have to believe that no matter what it will find a way.
I have been hurt by this emotion many times, but I'm trying to learn to trust in it.  I have found how strong love can be and how devastating.  
I'm smack in the middle of it now...stronger than any other love I've felt in my life.  It's hard, but to me it's worth it.  I am a hopeless romantic and I wear my heart on my sleeve.  


Favorite love quotes (there's quite a few of these)
~" I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you."
~" In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged."
~" If I know what love is, it is because of you."
~" If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you've made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand."
~"I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path."
~"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."
~"Love is friendship set on fire."
~Amor vincit omnia




OK so that's enough of my random thoughts.  It's 2:30am and I'm sleepy.  Just to put it out there, I'm headed to Cancun on October 21 and plan to write a blog every single night I'm there.  5 days away from the cave deserves to be celebrated even in writing.  Sober or drunk...there will be blogs!

Really...

This is a quick blog, but it had to be written.
I went to sleep around 2:30am this morning only to wake up at 5:30am to pee.
I open my door, walk in zombie mode a few steps to the bathroom door (which is open), and once I get to the door I realize I'm staring at the monster sitting on the toilet.
She's #2ing, that is clear, but she's also hunched over with her head tilted toward the wall.
I stand there groggily saying mom, but no reaction.
Finally she jolted back and saw me.  "OH Jesus!"
She not only had fallen asleep mid poo, but she also had her ear plugs still in.
I turn my back and walk into the hallway to give her some privacy.
From there on she never stops talking.  It gets to the point where I'm almost fully awake.
I finally get to pee...once done I walk into the hallway and comment that she's too damn talkative in the morning, she giggles and hugs me.  I walk back in to my room, get back into bed, and lay there.
I can't fall back to sleep...god damn it!
Woman woke me up with her 5:30am giddy ass rantings!!  WTF
So here I am working on maybe 4 solid hours of sleep...I'm gonna be a gem today!  Fucking monster.

Cycles...

It has been a long ass time since I last wrote.
There have been ups and downs with the monster (of course).  I'm in a down cycle now.
There's also a few changes around the bend that I'm hoping will come to pass.
My hatred for the VI has increased as well.  Thinking of changing his name to Shit Fuck.  Thoughts are welcome.

A few weeks back the monster was on a "good" cycle. 
I'm going to call them cycles from now on and the reason is because she spins or at least leaves me spinning.
Good cycles, her attitude is basically..."Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
Bad cycles, she's out of control, no one can catch up and all hell breaks loose eventually.

Good Cycle:
These are starting to become a serious pain in the ass. 
It started on a Friday night and continued through to Monday.
Friday, I got home from work at 12:10a.  As I was driving around the corner I could see her standing on the screened-in porch watching me pull into the drive way.  I opened the car door and as soon as I did I hear...
"Hi dear"
"Hey mom."
I start up the stairs...
"Why are you home late?"
"What do you mean? I get home around this time every night."
"No, it's 10 past you usually get home around 10 of."
"Really? I stayed and talked to some of the girls."
"Oh."
I walk in, chewing gum.
"What's with the gum?"
"I felt like chewing gum."
"Oh."
I walk past her and into the house.  She follows very closely behind me.
"So what's going on?"
"Nothing, I just got in and I have to put my stuff away."
"Oh.  How was your day?"
"Fine....why are you up my ass?"
"I don't know.  Huh.."
We head upstairs, she takes a bath, then goes to bed.
Ugh.  The last thing someone wants after working until midnight, is to come home and to walk in to a wall of what the fuck.

Saturday:
I don't really remember it.  I think I may have voluntarily blocked it out.
What I do recall is that she begged to make my lunch and when I got to work there was the classic "I love you, Mom" note.
Then once home...yea, no idea.  Total hole in the memory.

Sunday:
Now this day was ridiculous.  By the end of the night I was on the verge of jumping out the 3rd story window after crying till I almost puked.  Just frustrating.
The day started normally enough and she was in a good mood.
I sat downstairs every once in a while and shot the shit with her.  Made sure I was "around" so she couldn't complain later.
After dinner the VI asked me to look something up online.  The monster started to argue that I could do it later and he didn't need to know right away.
I said I'll just go look now (perfect reason to be away from them for a bit).  I went upstairs, but slowly so I could listen to the argument going on downstairs.
"Why did you want that, like, right now?"
"What's the big deal? It'll take 2 seconds?"
"I wanted her to stay down here with me!"

I looked up what I had to look up and then went back downstairs, hesitantly.
I stayed down a bit longer and then went back upstairs to relax.  This was around 6p.
around 7-7:30p the vi went to bed.  After the monster tucked him in, yes...she tucks him in.  No lie.
I can understand kissing him when he goes to bed or if he's already laying down, but she legit tucks him in.
Sometimes she'll even run upstairs ahead of him and hide in the closet or under the bed.
Someone is a regular passenger on the crazy train.

She finishes, then opens my door.  The following comments were made in this order and each time my door just opened, followed by her head poking in.  No knocking whatsoever.  Privacy? What's privacy?

"I'm going downstairs to clean out the dishwasher"
1/2 hour later
"I'm going to run my bathwater."
10 min. later
"I'm going downstairs to have my poo poo tea (don't ask).  I'll be back soon."
 1/2 hour later
"I'm gonna take a bath."
15 minutes later
"I'm going down to Nana's for a bit to do my hair and watch TV."
About 10p she comes back upstairs, comes into my room, sits down and starts asking questions.

"Foxwoods told me that I need to call them on the 1st to get any new deals.  You think you can go online and see if they are available yet?"
"If they told you to wait till the 1st of the month then the soonest I'd see anything is at midnight."
"Oh no really? You can't see anything online?"
"No mom.  As great as the Internet is, unfortunately it's not a portal into the future."
*add depressed sigh and facial expression from her*
Silence
"Oh! I know!  I have been trying to find my spray hair gel, but it's been sold out.  Can you go online to try and find it?"

Now it's well past her bed time, she's been up my butt all weekend.  I'm ready for some me time which clearly isn't coming as quickly as I'd like it to.

"No mom.  It's 10:10p...you're usually in bed now."
Sigh..."OK." Silence..."Your sure about Foxwoods?"
"Yes."
Silence
"Let me just go get the bottle and just check real quick to see if you can find it anywhere.  I'll buy 3 if you do."
"Oh my god mom!"
She walks back into my room and hands me the bottle.
L'Oreal is out of stock.
"It's no where mom.  Even L'Oreal is out."
"So what does that mean?"
"It means it's not available."
"So I can't get it anywhere?"
"No.  It's sold out.  If the vendor doesn't have it, no one has it"
"Well, what do you mean?"
"I MEAN IT CEASES TO BE! NO MORE!"
"Well for god sake! Every time I fall in love with something they discontinue it.  Just my luck.  Now what am I gonna do?"
"Find something else."
*add hugely obvious eye roll from me*

She then sits down on my bed again.  Silence.  Then the moment I seriously thought my mother was high.
She starts clapping in a way that sounds like snapping.  She placed her hands together in a praying manner, locked her thumbs together and then started clapping only her fingers together.
She was enthralled.
"Oh my god Melis!  Listen! Do you hear that?"
"Hear what? You're clapping."
"It sounds like my bones are hitting."
"Your bones?"
"Yea.  Listen! That's so weird."
"Mom, does it hurt?"
"No."
"Then your not cracking your bones together."
"Oh.  Well it's still weird."
"Your creating an air pocket and clapping your fingers is just breaking the air."
"Wow...so strange."
"OK mom...baby needs to go to sleep.  It's way past your bedtime."

She laughed.  Finally got up after sitting there for another 10 min. or so.
She left and I waited for her bedroom door to close....then I cried.
I just sat there and cried.  Built up over the weekend with her, other personal issues, and regular stress.
I took off my glasses, cried into my hands, and started rubbing my face.  Thank god I did that!
As soon as I started rubbing...guess what?
My fucking door opened!
"I'm going to sleep downstairs your father is too loud."
"Yea, OK."
Would you like an escort?  Are you asking my permission? What is with all the check in's?????

Monday:
Nothing off except for before she went to bed.  She stopped on her way out of my room and looked back.
"I wish we could have done something this weekend."  extremely sad and puppy dogish
"Like what?"
"I don't know.  Just something."  random sighs
"Mom, I work Friday and Saturday, then Sunday is laundry and cleaning day."
"I know.  OK, I guess I'll see you next week"
"Your gonna see me on Friday."
"Yea, next week."

WTF?! Friday is in 4 days!
Sad/disappointed face...closed the door...off to bed.

She wasn't as bad the next weekend, but this past weekend...we are headed into a bad cycle.  My asshole father did an asshole thing.  Created drama that was uncalled for and he did it on purpose.
I'm ready to punch him in the face and tell him to go fuck himself.  I'm almost to the point where I wanna be cruel and say "Now I know why your other kids want nothing to do with you!"
I would never though.  I'm not a cruel person.  I can be a serious bitch, but never straight up cruel.

So now, the monster is in weird mode.  Not very talkative and when she is it's cold.  Shit.  Awesome.
The only light for me at the moment is that there is a possibility that I may be out of the cave soon.  I'm hoping to all that is holy this happens, but I'm waiting with baited breath at the moment.
So much stress, so much anxiety.
I'm doing the best I can with dealing with it all.
Just hope things work out the way I want them too.

Bipolar birthday :(:

Here we go again.  

I don't know what I'm doing wrong here.  I'm at a loss.

Saturday night I come home from work and the monster was getting ready to go upstairs.  I was searching for my house keys while she was staring at me.  Finally she came to the door and unlocked it...

"Hi." she said pretty quickly.

She said she was headed upstairs since she was done with everything down here.  I followed her up and we chatted for a bit, but it was warm and she was going to be taking a bath so I went in my room.

I waited until about 12:45a and then I went to check and make sure she didn't fall asleep in the tub.  Well, she was already in bed.

This is weird since she always comes into my room to say good night.

I go and wake her up asking why she didn't come into my room, her reason was that she was waiting for me to come out.  She figured I didn't want to be bothered since I went so quickly into my room and shut the door.  Ummm, it was about 85-90 degrees upstairs, the last place I wanted to be was in a sauna like bathroom with a naked monster in the tub.

Seriously??

I said "You always come into my room and it was hot."

She just repeated herself so I let it be, kissed her good night and left.

Sunday.

I had stayed up late so I slept late.  I woke up at noon, got dressed, headed downstairs, and said hello to both the vi and monster.  It felt awkward so I left and headed to the spa.

I got back to the house and they were on the porch so I went out and sat with them for a bit, then came upstairs to change and get my laundry started.  Went down, put in laundry, got a drink, ask when dinner would ready, then went back up to strip my bed and chill for a bit.  After my first load was done and folded with the second in the washer...dinner was done.  

I helped carved the roast, got drinks, etc.  Sat, had dinner, helped clean a bit and then went upstairs.

Once I got up here I got hit with the start of a migraine so I fell asleep for about an hour or so.  Vi and the monster were watching TV.  I woke up changed over my stuff to the dryer...came back up and napped a little more.

I woke up to hearing my mother out on the porch "wooooing" to this kid in the neighborhood she's befriended.  He's a sweet kid, 12 yrs old, with autism.  He loves my parents.

I went downstairs, put in my last load of laundry, then went out on the porch.

I sat out there for about an hour or so.

After I finished my laundry and came upstairs since she was gonna get her bath and the vi was going to bed.

The monster had been acting weird all day, but had yet to say anything to me, so I have let it alone.

My mistake came when she went down to my Nana's apartment.

I went down to make a snack and monster was still in the kitchen.  I place my bottle of Kahlua on the table and she went downstairs.

I snuck down the first flight of stairs and could hear them perfectly.  Apparently I was no where to be found today.  The monster told her that I had stayed in my room all day and left her alone.  Just sat in my chair and never came down.  Then she goes on to tell her that she snuck a peak at my father's bday card to her.  She is pissed since it reads "To someone special."  She is thinking of ripping it up, but may just mention her birthday card, as if he hasn't purchased one yet, and how to make sure it says "To my loving wife."

I had also asked monster what she wanted for dinner Monday night to celebrate her birthday since I will be working on Tuesday.  All she could say was "I don't know, haven't thought of it, but I'll let you know."

So after hearing this little conversation I now feel it's necessary to kiss her ass tomorrow.  I am going to go out get a card (was going to anyway), buy a cake at the bakery (vi usually does, but so far nothing), and then figure out what to make her for dinner.  I understand that it's her birthday and these things should be done anyway, but wtf is her husband doing????

Nothing!

I'm going to be doing it all.  I'm sorry, but my belief is that if it's your husband/wife's birthday you take care of everything...a great dinner whether homemade or restaurant, you get or make a cake, you get a present/card, etc....

But I have to do all of this because he won't...in fact he'll say to me "What did you get for your mother"

"You should make dinner for her tonight."

"Did you make a cake? Are you gonna get her one?"

Are you kidding me?

Fine.  I'll do it.  I have to kiss her ass anyway before she fucking explodes for no good god damn reason again.

How much you wanna bet she'll still think I suck come Monday night?

Monsters and Migraines...

If you've never had a migraine it's hard to understand what someone is going through.  The pain can range from sharp throbbing to the possibility you may witness your eye popping out of your head and running down the street to find a safe place to hide, extreme light sensitivity, emotional breaks (mostly crying), exhaustion, and sometimes neediness (for me this comes in the form of needing to be held).  It's different for everyone, but the pain itself is usually the same; relentless.
I have been blessed with chronic migraines...you're jealous, I know, but not everyone can handle this special kind of awesomeness.  I've had MRI's, CAT Scans, been on prescription meds, etc.  Nothing shows up and nothing works except good old Excedrin Migraine and quiet.
It's torture.  Living with the monster and vi doesn't make it any easier.

When I lived on my own with jello I got them frequently and they were horrible.  I was at least able to stay home, rest, hide under the covers, and at night jello would keep the lights off and only use candles until I was able to handle anything brighter.
Living in the cave is another story.  I'm on edge all the time, I "relax" at work, god forbid I'm running late getting ready for work because then vi comes upstairs and bangs the door trying to figure out if I've died.
The monster is clueless.  She's never had a migraine before and never really pays attention when I try to explain them to her.  I've called her out on this many times before and she has admitted that she doesn't listen to me most of the time.  Acceptance is the first step, right?
I call her today to explain that I'm in pain.  I may stay home if it doesn't get better.  I have only stayed home once since moving here in November because I can't handle being here when I'm sick.  They don't leave me alone.  She's checks on me every hour, offers me food even after I've told her I can't stomach it right now, makes comments asking why am I in the dark, comes over and rubs my head....

ATTENTION! Unless you are requested to do so, when someone has a migraine you DO NOT touch their head!!  That's like sticking a finger in an open wound!  You only do this if you want to lose an appendage.

Sometimes you need the comfort, but most times you just want to be in the dark alone.  She doesn't get it.  It never sticks no matter how many times I tell her.
So, I force myself to go to work.  I load up on Excedrin Migraine, caffeine, a hope, and a prayer.  Most days it works even though I get the shakes and it becomes a game trying to type, but hell the pain is gone.  Other days, I'm not so lucky and I try to make it to 9:30p-10p when I know she went to bed and I leave work early.
Those of you who get migraines...I'm sorry.
Those of you who don't...you're lucky.

Midnight rides with a side of selective memory for the win...

Ever since my truck has been in the shop I have been driving this adorable clown car of a rental.  The Nissan Cube.  I love it!  It always looks like it's smiling at you.
My friend Candy has been intrigued by the Cube for a little while now so I offered to let her test drive it in the parking lot at work.  She gladly excepted and jumped in.
After she was done she got out, we said our goodbye's and home we each went.
When I got home I parked and started gathering my things in the passenger seat.  I noticed an extra cell phone and of course, me being me, the first thought in my head was that my Blackberry had given birth, but Candy had left her phone in my car accidentally.
I went upstairs to my room knowing I'd get her on Facebook.  We decided we would meet halfway between our places that night so she could get it back and this is where the fun began.
The monster begged, almost pleaded to go with me on the ride.  I explained to her that I was taking a 10 min. drive up the street and I'd be right back.  Nothing special.  The answer I got back...
"What daughter says no to her mother when she wants to go for a ride with her?"
My answer...
"This one.  I'll be back!"

Before I left, the monster demanded that I take a picture of her so Candy knew she wanted to say hello, but at the same time wanted Candy to know she was upset she couldn't meet her.

Yes folks.  This is the monster in all her nightly, before bed glory.  Just like the Mona Lisa.  A work of crazy ass art.
If I ever look like this in my 60's...someone please put me out of my misery.
To be honest, this is the exact look both she and my Nana were photographed giving at my wedding, during the ceremony.  Lovely.

Now the VI.
Today that old bastard almost made me scream.  Nothing out of the norm of course.
Now he has moved my rental numerous times.  It's a keyless entry and push button ignition.  No keys at all are needed for this car.  Fucking awesome!
Well, today, after moving my car 4 times, he apparently forgot how to get in it.  I hear him stomp upstairs which is then followed my a banging on my door.  When I say banging, I mean the door is in jeopardy of falling to the floor.  I say "What?!" about 3 times, the last one loud and filled with attitude.
He comes in finally and the first words out of his mouth are...
"Hey, don't give me attitude."
Really?  I think anyone would give attitude after answering someone 2 other times, yet the person never heard them.  Deaf son of a bitch needs to get a hearing aide.  He's in denial.
OK, I understand.  Getting old is tough, but damn it, just go with it!
He then starts asking for my keys.  I explained that there are no keys for the car.

"I can't get in to the car.  I need the keys."
"Dad, there are no keys, it's a keyless vehicle."
"Well I can't get in."
"Did you hit the button on the door?"
"What button?"
"The black button on the handle."
"Yeah and it didn't work.  I've moved it 4 times already.  I need the keys."
"Dad.  It's a keyless car.  If you've moved it already, how did you get in the car in the first place?"

He leaves and goes downstairs.  Annoyed and amused to see this in action I climbed on my bed and looked out the window to watch.
He goes to the car and starts trying to open the door.  He looks up, knowing I'm watching, looks at the car door, does something, tries the handle again, then gives up.
I run downstairs with the little fob to manually unlock it for him.  He goes back downstairs, gets in the car, and then....nothing.
I hear him walk back up the stairs again.

"It won't start."
"What do you mean it won't start?"
"It's not starting.  I've moved it 4 times already, but for some reason it won't start."
"Did you have your foot on the break while you hit the button?"
"Yeah."
"You're sure?"
"Yes."

UGH! I go downstairs in my jammies, get in my car, and start that bitch right up!
I move it behind his car.
The whole time I'm doing this he is watching me with this blank expression.  I felt kinda like a super hero.
I get out of the car walk to the stairs and while I passed him I repeated myself.

"You had your foot on the break while you hit the start button?"
"Yea...I don't know why it didn't start."
"Hmmm, yea, sure you don't."

I think he is OK for a few hours when he wakes up and then everything slowly starts to roll downhill.  The later the day gets the less memory he has....I'm sure most is selective.

They both went to bed before 8pm tonight.  It is so peaceful.
This weekend has made me feel content, happy, almost like things are going in the right direction finally.  I'm hoping it stays this way.
Actually that's a lie.  I'm hoping it gets even better, but I'm sure many folks will understand when I say I'm still hesitant.

I like my emotions shaken, not stirred...

This past week has been an emotional cocktail...it's a never ending roller coaster ride.
Between the frustration of my monster and vi with constant questions, concerns, comments about the wedding, my schedule, my truck (needs repairs)...I never got to breathe.
Then working overtime, unplanned at that...trying to be happy and upbeat during the week for my friend, having my heart broken yet again, and then getting no sleep before the wedding and carrying through with the actual day.  It has been hard to say the least.

So to begin:

My best friend got married on Saturday and I was the Maid of Honor.  It was stressful, expensive, tiring, but it was all worth it to see the smile on her face as she walked down the aisle.
All weddings are expensive no matter what, but the stress is ridiculous!
I'm talking for myself of course.  Between having to walk down that aisle with eyes on you, fearing each step I'll land flat on my face, then being introduced at the reception, to having to give a speech in front of 160 people!  Thank god I didn't pee my pants.
My stress and fear was nothing compared to hers, I'm sure.  But her and I both know she made a wonderful decision in marrying her man.  He's an amazing guy.  They are 2 peas in a pod.
They are now in Sicily enjoying an incredible honeymoon.  Jealous is an understatement.  She better get me a souvenir!

My truck needs about $2000.00 worth of work.  I'm willing to pay cus I love it and monthly car payments are out of the question since I want to get the hell out of dodge as soon as possible.  There are little perks that have made it a tolerable, such as a discount from Nissan since my father used to work there and still has friends in the right places, and my rental.  I got a Cube!  I basically am driving Cindi's car, right down to the color.  I love it.  Super cute, roomy, and turns on a dime.  Smoooooooth ride.
Of course, the vi puts in his 2 cents every time he sees me. 
"It's ugly."
"Ya know I hate that car.  Why are you driving it?"
Really? Why am I driving it? It's a little thing called a job...have to have one.  Douche.

It's also tough lately since I've entered a kind of depressive state.  No matter what I do, it's a chore.  I just want to stay in bed.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I'm lucky if I can stomach 1 meal in a day (one hell of a weight lose plan!).  Now, I do understand that what is in my head may be the opposite of reality.  I analyze things to death.  It's a huge flaw I have and most women have it.  It comes on when there is no communication, nothing to dowse the flames of  doubt.  I guess to ready yourself for the worst is always the best thing to do.  It's hard though, you can't just flip a switch and pretend everything is fine.  If life was that easy we wouldn't appreciate the little things it has to offer.

Now if you are chomping at the bit for info on the Monster, there's plenty.  She's sporadically jumped the crazy fence numerous times over the last week.  I'm not sure if the woman is getting Alzheimer's or not, but how many times do you have to tell someone your in a wedding that week before they actually remember.  She's a goldfish who's surprised by the plastic castle every time. 3 second memory.
Then to top that off, to call me each day, even when I'm with the bride.  Are you serious?  Can you not handle my absence for 1 day?  She even admitted she wanted to call me during the ceremony...someone needs a swift kick in the ass.
I arrived back home after the wedding and informed my monster that I had not slept for 24 hrs.  I was exhausted and wanted to go right to bed.  Well, that wasn't acceptable.  She started commenting on how wonderful I looked, why didn't I do my makeup everyday cus I look like a model and would get so much more attention if I just took care of myself more, was that really how Cindi decided to have my hair cus it was so flat (rain does that moron), Oh look at your nails, etc.
I put a little attitude into comments and that finally gave her the hint cus the next words out of her mouth were...
"Go upstairs, go to bed.  That's what you want so go."
Thanks! I appreciate your concern...off I go!
5 hours later she's waking me up only for me to shower and fall back to sleep for 10 more hours.

I have a little break from both of them Thursday night since they are going to MGM Foxwoods for the night, but that really does me no good since I'm working anyway.  Bleck.
I guess just knowing they are gone will make all the difference.  I can only hope.

I wish so many things in my life were easier.  I'm sure one day they will be, but for now I can only hope, pray, and fight.

In every life a little rain must fall....

Nothing makes you want your own place so badly than a full day with your parents after they come home from vacation.
The monster has been great.  No crazy sporadic attitude changes thank god, but that will soon come back.
The vi however is making me slightly nervous and extremely annoyed.
The man has this problem where he has to make comments that just get under my skin.  I'm a pretty laid back person.  It takes a lot to annoy me or seriously piss me off, but today was a mixture of annoyance, making me angry, and this was clearly all on purpose.
I know he thinks he's funny sometimes and they are mostly harmless stupid statements, but over the years there have been times when he makes comments and it's clear he is headed for some kind of mental break.  Not sure how to word it exactly, but it makes me very nervous.
As I've mentioned in one of my past blogs, the vi has a tendency of having these outbursts or freak outs.  Before these happen there is usually some weird behavior or nasty comments in rapid succession over a period days.
Well, the comments have begun.  He tried to pick a fight with me all day.  All I could do was walk away when I felt myself ready to scream at him.  He just laughed at my frustration and as soon as he saw me again...he started in with the same shit.
I'm hoping this is a false alarm and today he just felt like being a dick, but the past has proven to me there is always something lurking in the dark.
I'm scared to find out what he may do during the next freak out.  Last time was Christmas about 2 years ago when he screamed at my mother calling her a c**t, tried to get me to hit him, and then took off.  The fear of having to leave my mother alone with him later that night once he came back home was overwhelming.  At least I'll be here if it happens again, but he's hit me in the past, never her...so what will I do if he ever hits me again?
Will I hit back?  Will I be so scared I do nothing?
These are not thoughts I want to have, but his behavior today forces me to have them.
I think the best thing for me to do is lay low...stay away from him as much as possible and when I do have to see him I will keep my mouth shut and head down.
What comes to mind is: Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil.

Whipped Cream Vodka and Praline Bacon...

It has been 6 months in the making....

Chomping at the bit and anxiety ridden...

4 and a half days of nothing but peace, quiet, freedom, drinking, cooking, taking care of myself, and getting to the point where I can finally just breathe and relax.

That's right....

Monster and Vi are on vacation in Florida!

I didn't realize, I mean truly realize, how wonderful it is to just be alone.  To have my own space and not have to worry about a banging at my bedroom door, a yell up the stairs, nagging, dumb ass questions, or watching the vi pretend to have a heart attack every time he walks up the stairs.

Wednesday, May 25...it began.

I woke up to...nothing.  Not a peep.  Complete silence.

I had to take a minute to adjust to my surroundings.  I laid in bed and didn't get out until 1:30pm.

Went to work, came home and that is when it hit me.

Knowing no one was home...any sound turned me into a ninja.  I ran like a child to and from the bathroom through the dark hallway.  Jumped into bed thinking a zombie will grab my feet.  Tossed and turned all night cus the monster in the closet was watching me.

Thursday, May 26...the "ah ha" moment.

I woke up, again basking in the glory.

I went downstairs and into the kitchen.  I stopped.  Just stood there in my jammies.  I walked around the rooms....kitchen, dining room, hall, bathroom, living room, back to the kitchen.   This is all while smiling like a severely delusional mental patient (without the drooling).

I took out hamburger and started making...yes cooking...my lunch for the night of work ahead of me.

While the hamburg was browning I put the spoon down, lifted my arms above my head, and in my best choir voice "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" just like singing angels in heaven.

Went to work, had a great night.  Came home, had a drink and said F you to the monster in the closet, zombie under the bed, and the dark hallway...took a sleeping pill and passed out!

Friday, May 27...extreme freedom!

Took the day off to enjoy a full "vacation" day of my own.  I drove to Dedham to meet Cindi and Johanna for clothes shopping for Cin's honeymoon.  Great day...between ice cream, dresses, making sales women fall in love with us, to coming home with Cin, drinking, cooking, laughing, TV, and Blogging, I actually have fooled myself into believing this is going to last.. HAHAHAHAHA....I'm silly.

Saturday, May 28...all good things must come to an end.

Sadly, when Cindi and I wake in the morning it will be the last few hours I will have to enjoy.  She will leave when I leave for work.  Within an hour or so after I arrive home...they will be back.  sigh.

I needed this.

I needed time to be with myself...have fun, laugh, etc.

I have to clear my mind of things that have been clogging me up for so long.

I have decisions that still need to be made, but it's nice to have down time...time to allow my mind to be free.

If you don't allow yourself to bask in the little things in life or venture down the road of personal happiness...no matter who is in your life, you'll never enjoy yours.  

So tonight is about Whipped cream Vodka, praline bacon, and deciding to fight for what makes me happy.

The apology heard 'round the world

Today started like any other day, quiet.
I slept later than I have been, woke up and laid in silence for a bit. 
12:30p came around and my bestie called on her lunch break to chat. 
Around 1:30p I heard the house phone ring downstairs and then the ominous footsteps of the vi coming upstairs.  He pounded on the door, came in, and then wrapped the phone in my blankets before he spoke.
"Your mother is on the phone and wants to talk to you.  Don't get her upset cus she was crying again last night."
Yup, my fault again.  Even though I was the one to come up with ideas and thoughts about how to "fix" things it's still all me.
I get on the phone and surprisingly the monster is cheerful.
She says "Hi dear!"
I say hello...she then says "I'm sorry." followed by what sounds like muffled crying.
She composes herself and goes into a description of her life with my Nana.

Growing up with my Nana was very hard for her.  Between abuse to favoritism she never had a relationship with my Nana until she was in her 30's.  Even now it's somewhat fake only due to the fact that Nana will say one thing to her or complain about something and then to either my face or the Vi's face she will say and do the exact opposite of what she told the monster.  It's hard for monster to trust and to relax when it comes to solving everyone's problems.  She also said that it's because of everything that has happened at work.  The issues she has regarding fixing problems and trusting people have obviously flowed into her thoughts about me and that's not right.  She also said that I don't do everything wrong..I do alot of right.  I always have.  She's never had to worry about whether or not I'm a good kid.  I was always trustworthy growing up and still am.  She didn't mean to make me feel so badly about myself because there is no need to.
She no longer wanted to talk about things that make us angry, but is also not sure what we can talk about.  I offered to start with figuring out what we can do together such as her helping me finish the scrapbook I'm doing for my grandfather or fix her antique makeup table.  She said "yea I guess" and maybe we can do that.
We ended the conversation on a light note...saying I love you. 
I feel good, better than I have been in awhile.  One part of my life seems to be working toward the positive now I'm just hoping the other part follows suit.

I'm not good enough...

Let's go back to Friday...
I had received my monsters letter, but had yet to say anything since I have decided I'm not going to kiss her ass anymore when she's upset.  It gets me nowhere, makes me feel crappy, but makes her happy.  Not exactly ideal.
I came home from work on Friday.  She was folding laundry in the bathroom so I put my things down and walked over to give her a hug.  She immediately tensed up and said we need to talk.  She didn't want to wait until Sunday to discuss the note, she wanted to do it now.
She requested that I move out by July 31.
She then begins to tell me that the reason she is so opinionated is because I never do anything right.  I never make the right decisions.  Choices I have made are wrong and I'm going down the wrong path.  She claims she can tell me things about my "situation", but choses not to because she knows it won't help.
Fine.
I'd prefer her to keep it to herself since most of her knowledge of certain things in my life are not true or she doesn't know the whole story.
She said to me that this year Mother's Day does not exist.  It means nothing to her.  Maybe next year will be better.  Maybe.
Between the mind fuck and the degrading, I come upstairs drained.  Take a shower.  Get in bed and cry till I fall asleep.
Saturday...some things get cleared up, but I'm still left feeling a little empty.  Unsure.  Even a little sad.
She comes home from shopping and was fine.  Good mood.  We chatted a bit and then I left for work.
I come home; again, fine.
Mother's Day...
Oh, mother's day.
She had requested time.  She wanted to "mend" what was broken and not have me on my cell or computer.
I woke up.  Stared at the ceiling willing the migraine away.  Apparently my body knew what it was in for before I even woke up.
Finally I got out of bed, separated my laundry, brought it down to the machine, and went out on the porch.
I sat down, read through the paper with both parents, had a cup of coffee.
Switched my laundry to the dryer, went back upstairs to strip and make my bed, went back down and sat on the outside porch with the monster.  I was out there about an hour talking about my friend's upcoming wedding and all I had to get ready for.  Laundry was done so I put in another load and put away the first.
Now up until this point, she was somewhat fine.  All of a sudden it's the cold shoulder.  Hardly talking.  Sniffling from hidden crying in the bathroom.
WHAT DID I DO NOW???
Everyday I ask myself this.
I helped her with dinner and then after we ate I went to visit my Nana.  Back upstairs, monster takes a bath and heads downstairs to sleep on the couch since she has to get up at 4am.
Cold all night.
I truly have no clue what I did.  I gave her what she wanted.  Time. I tried.
One of the problems, my Nana told me about, is that monster complains that she has never seen me cry.  Tell me why exactly I would want to do that in front of her?  Everything I do is wrong, right?
So as I'm writing this I hear crying coming from downstairs...I go down and hold her while she howls.
We talk for about 2 hours in the dark.  She's depressed and doesn't know what went wrong.  Throughout the conversation I'm thinking about my life at that moment.  With her and other parts of my life.  I just don't feel like I'm good enough.  I guess that's what it comes down to.  All my feelings in a ball come down to that one phrase....I'm not good enough.
At the end of it all she agrees with me about trying to start slowly and rebuilding a relationship.  I'm drained and tired.  She's still depressed and hesitantly decides to go to sleep.
Finally alone...sitting in silence, I just want to walk away from it all.

Mother's Day Extravaganza!

Walked in from work tonight and found this note under my door:

To this Mother's Daughter

Mother's Day this year is about the bond between a mother and the only child this mother will ever have and will ever need.  This mother has dreamed of having this child ever since she was a little girl.
For this mother, this year, it is not about material things like a card, flowers or a gift.
With this daughter coming back home it has made this mother realize that the bond between them has weakened and the door is closing quickly.
This mother is consumed with sorrow and cries often knowing they can be in a room together and never speak.  Knowing they are both uncomfortable with one another.  This mother says to herself "If I were to die tomorrow I would die of a broken heart feeling that I failed as a mother."
This Mother's Day this mother and daughter should try to mend what has been damaged.  An afternoon without a cell phone or computer.  Just both talking as mother and daughter about their feelings toward each other and what they both need/expect for a brighter tomorrow.
For this mother truly loves this beautiful daughter.
xo

WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Are you friggen serious??  This is the shit I live with.  How the hell am I supposed to sit down with this over opinionated, crazy ass, bi polar beast and talk to her about how I feel toward her and my life?  If she doesn't agree with me she shoots down my feelings or says I don't make any sense.  How am I supposed to handle this?  It just keeps getting worse.
It's tough enough that I cry myself to sleep nightly these days, but now I have to fake it and play nice for someone that drives me insane.  Awesome.

Back by popular demand...

So the VI, as you all know, used to be pretty violent.  Not someone you would want to spend a Sunday watching TV with or have around small children.
When I was about 16 or 17 years old, he finally went to the doctor and found out he has a chemical imbalance.  He got on meds and has been pretty vegetablish since.
This is great for me, my monster, and anyone who comes in contact with him.
My monster is unhappy, but is greatful for a calmer home.  He does have his spurts of anger or freak outs, but they are few and far between. 
He has seemed to channel his anger and penchant for violence toward the poor squirrels in the backyard.
I wake up this morning and go downstairs to get breakfast.  He notices me and comes right back into the house from the porch all excited.
"Do you see that little bastard?"
"What little bastard?" *eye roll insert*
"The damn squirrel on the tree."

Now there is a small patch of woods behind the cave so this statement is completely vague.  I humor him.  I lean over the sink and stare out the window, but let my eyes go lazy.  I start to see things like one of the pictures with the hidden items in it.  In my mind, as he's talking, I'm trying to guess what shapes I see.

"No dad, I don't see any squirrel."
"What?! He's right there, upside down eating the friggen flowers off the tree."
I came to realize that the tree is actually a bush. 
"Oh, yea. I see him.  Sorry, I need new glasses."  Bold faced lie.
"I wanna shoot him in the ass with my gun!"
"Dad, don't shoot him."
"But he's eating the flowers!"
"So.  Let him.  If he gets sick he'll learn a lesson."  at this point I'm just laughing at him.
The thought of my father getting out his bb gun and actually trying to hit a moving target is hilarious.
This is a retired correctional officer who used to carry, and still has, a nice Smith & Wesson.  But age, deafness, and all around stupidity has all but rusted his shooting abilities.

Last year, my father brought out his bb gun to try and shoot holes in to my monster's bird houses hanging from random trees throughout the yard.  He challenged me.
He kept missing and I told him I wanted to try.
He laughed and said, "Hey honey, Melissa's gonna try and shoot your birdhouses.  Watch this.  I bet she shoots someone's window out."
The monster of course was not amused.
I took the gun, held my breathe, aimed, and shot 2 holes directly above and below the hole of one of the birdhouses.
I think the vi shit his pants a little.
I lowered the gun, turned toward him, handed it back, and walked away.
Yea old man, challenge me again.

Walking on broken glass....

We are now in the mists of the monster's suspension.
It started off pretty well...in fact Sunday she wasn't a monster at all.
She was singing and laughing.  We went out to pick up my first summer dress and she paid!  No questions or snide comments.  Just offered to pay.
We went looking for party ideas for my friend's bachelorette party.  Giggling in the aisle and coming up with great ideas.
Real mother/daughter normal stuff.  Kinda weird, but nice.
We get home, have a great dinner, then I come upstairs and begin working on shower invitations.
All in all...an almost perfect day with her.

Monday.
The day started off with monster having to take my Nana to the doctor for some radiation therapy.  I was pretending to still be asleep, but I heard her getting ready.
I get up after she leaves and finish the rest of the invites.
She calls from the doctors and asks if I could put the chicken in the oven.  Great, no problem!
I start my chores...3 loads of laundry, strip/make the bed, dust, vacuum, etc.
She gets home, comes upstairs and seems fine still.  Weird, but I'll take it!
She tries on clothes and asks my opinion before she gets rid of them.  Then she asks me to look at hotels for her and the vi in Reno, NV.
I have done this 3 times for them for the same hotels, so needless to say I sigh and make a smart ass comment.  I felt safe in doing so since she seemed to be in one of those joking moods.
That comment showed me she was actually in transition mode.  I was walking on glass.  Very thin glass.
She goes from singing to "We don't ask you for much, but I can tell your aggravated so never mind."
Oh shit.
But just like a the perfect crazypants that she is...10 seconds flat she's back to singing.
Are you kidding me?  I'm waiting for her head to spin Exorcist style.

She goes down stairs to finish dinner as I fold my first load of laundry.
She calls me down to dinner...
Dinner was fine.
After, I mention that I need to see if the FedEx guy had left a package of registration cards for the shower invites at the front door.
I look and he had.
I go back into the kitchen, tell monster, then say I have to go finish the invites so I can be done with them and send them out tomorrow before work.
That's when it begins.

Now let me paint a normal after dinner situation.
We finish dinner...the vi goes out on the porch to have cigarette and read the paper...I sit at the table while the monster does the dishes.
Normal.
Since I have been a kid...this is what happens.
Well, today apparently there is a change in the cave and someone forgot to tell me.
After informing her that I have to go and finish the invites she starts getting upset.
"Oh, well OK, I thought you could help me, but don't worry about it I guess."
*Place eye roll here*
"What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing...don't worry.  Just go."
"Mom seriously, I have to stuff and close 77 invitations, but do you want me to do something for you first?"
"Nope don't worry just go and finish."
"Fine."

I go and finish my invites.  Of course as soon as I get upstairs I eavesdrop and listen to her bitching to my father about me.  Same shit different day.
After I finish, I go downstairs to switch out my last load of laundry.  I go into the kitchen and that's when the lecture begins.
The gist of it...
As a woman/daughter I should automatically want to help with cleaning up.
She doesn't know me, my life, my friends, nothing.  She looks and talks to other mothers/daughters and feels empty.
She is the only one in my life that will ever help me.
When my life falls apart she is always there, but what is she aside from that.
She says I have hatred toward her...she feels my aggravation with her.
She believes that when I move out she will never see me again.
She then goes into the past with my ex husband and how we screwed up...literally went back 9 years ago.
I don't spend time with her on Friday/Saturday nights.  When I do it's forced.  She wants me to want to spend time with her.
She also said that when we were standing in line at the Dollar Store, she was standing behind me and we didn't talk so that was the first time she realized how alone she is.  How we really don't have a relationship and she blames herself.

I told her that was 5 minutes out of the entire day and she is harping on the fact that we didn't talk while in line and surrounded my loud ass teenagers?  Really?  I told her to stop reading into shit.

I just sat there after that.  I couldn't really disagree with the rest.  I did however tell her that ever since I moved back I feel she is clingy.  She wants a relationship with me that she has with my Nana and that is never going to happen.  I am who I am...and it's not her.

After awhile she told me that she had talked my ear off enough and to go to my Nana's to get my jeans taken in.
So off I went downstairs.
As soon as my Nana's door closed I went off.  I told her everything.  I got so upset I cried.
This is strange to me since I don't like crying in front of my family.  I never have.  So I have to be really upset to do this and it only lasts until I can regain control again.  When I cry I expect criticism or "why the hell are you crying" comments.

So there it is.  Half way through purgatory.  She goes back to work on Thursday, then Friday, then she has Saturday-Tuesday off.  The only thing stopping a death in this house is that they may be spending the night at Foxwoods on Sunday.  I may actually be able to enjoy my weekend.
We shall see.
As for now...I sit in this room, thinking about my life and where it is now.  Kinda want to cry again.

Hand to Jesus

I am the type of person who truly appreciates the little things.  Big things are always great, but little things come more often and usually mean a lot more.

I left for work on Wednesday like any other day.  About a half hour into my shift I get a call on my cell phone.  It was the monster.  My heart drops a bit wondering what the hell I had done now.

I called her back.

What came out of her mouth made me so happy I was hardly able to pretend to care about the rest of the conversation.

The monster was so stressed about work (she had gotten suspended for a week with no pay) that the vi was taking her away to Foxwoods for the night.  They wouldn't be home until Thursday afternoon.

From that moment on I couldn't concentrate.  I wanted to go home as soon as possible just to take advantage of the peace and quiet.

I was able to maintain and stay focused at work until 9:15p and then I ran outta there!

A friend of mine decided to join me as well...

I decided to have a small celebration....this included wine and a huge ass sundaes!

Bad combo for anyone thinking about this same thing.

I got home, poured some wine, got comfy on the living room couch and watched TV.

So nice to feel normal for once.

I went to bed after 1 more glass of wine.

I woke up a bit nauseous, but had a smile on my face.  So nice, so quiet, so relaxed.

I lounged in bed, talked to Cindi, then my Nana calls upstairs panicked.  Crap.

I go down to see what got her all hyper.

She starts off by saying that she doesn't care who I had upstairs the night before she just doesn't want me to tell the monster. 

I laughed and told her it was only one of my girlfriends.

She then closed her eyes, put her hand up like she was praising Jesus and started rambling...

"Melissa, Melissa, I don't want to know.  Don't tell me."

"OK, but it's really not a big deal."

"Melissa, Melissa, please do not explain.  I don't want to know therefore when monster asks me I won't be lying."

That sounded very fair.

She explained how if I did tell monster that she would be OK to my face and then run down to my Nana and complain about how she doesn't want to go away again cus I may bring another stranger into the house.  

Nana completely understands the mental destruction that is the monster.

We decided to concoct a story.  We are conniving women when put together.  I love my Nana.

The monster and the vi had yet to come home and I had to soon get ready for work.  I was so excited that I would reach a full 24 hours without seeing or hearing them.

No luck.

1:45p they walk in the door. 

1:45!!!!!!

I had only a half hour to go before I had reached perfection.

I walk upstairs and the monster was right there at the landing.

I hugged and kissed her saying I had to go and get ready for work. 

"What the hell? What do you mean?"

"I have to go get ready it's 1:45"

"Well, Jesus, you rush all the time."

"Well, I was down talking to Nana and came up when I had to get ready.  So I have to go."

She didn't like that at all.

Oh well.

I went upstairs and started getting things together and getting dressed.  Monster thought that was a perfect time to start questioning me about my jeans Nana had just sewn.  I had explained the situation and why the waste of the jeans wasn't right, but she isn't quick with the uptake.

Between rushing to get ready and trying to listen to what she was rambling about I apparently got snippy.

I got snippy.  Well shit let me start throwing questions at her when she's rushing and we'll see how snippy she gets.

I finally left for work.
I return home and she is passed out on the couch.  Thank God!
I now face the rest of her suspension.  I worry about how far up my ass she'll go.
I need a vacation, I need to get away, I need my dramatic and stressful life to become blissfully boring and happy.
It makes me sad sometimes that I've allowed my life to get so out of control that I see no calm in the near future.
Bad for me...good for you folks who like my bloggy.

Shoes and Surprises

Every other Friday=Bill Day.
I generally dread this day.
Receiving one's paycheck is supposed to be a glorious day.  A day full of hope for what the next 2 weeks may bring.  Not for me.
The day begins with me picking up my paycheck before work...working till 11:30p...then coming home by midnight only to have to sit down with the monster and delegate where my money is to go.
The monster has always used the "envelope" method.  This method is where you cash your check, bring the cash home, then separate the money into different envelopes for different things.
My envelopes are as follows:
1. Car Insurance
2. Cell Phone
3. Medical/Co-Pay
4. Spa/Wax
5. Comcast
6. Savings
7. Car Repairs
8. Misc.
Once money is placed in each envelope I am then giving gas money and allowance (monster calls it "blow money").  This is to last me until my next check.
We got through and count the amount of money in each envelope...record it on the outside so she knows I'm not "stealing" any and she then makes me recount the ways I spent my blow money over the previous 2 weeks.
I try and rush her as much as I can so these nights can get pretty heated.  She can't understand why I fight against her so much.  For instance, we got in a fight over cable.  Yes, TV.
One of the only things I demanded when I moved here was that I have HBO and Showtime.  The vi bitched and moaned cus it is more money, but I'd be paying so once again he makes no sense.
She begins to tell me that I am going to have a big shock when I move out.  I won't be able to have cable and most likely I'll have to decide over my cell or my Internet.
Oh hell no.
I laughed at her.  She wanted to show me what it was going to be like and have my cable shut off in a month. I was pissed to say the least.  She was not going to shut that off.  I freaked out.
She smirked.  Oh that bitch was loving the fact she had gotten me riled up.
She said she'll leave it on.  I then followed that comment by saying, "And I'll have it when I move.  I will find a way."
I personally don't think I fight against her enough.

This past Friday was my bonus check.  YAY!
Extra money means extra things she wants me to get.  On my list is shoes.
I have a shoe fetish.
I have bought shoes that will never touch pavement.  I can last for hours in a shoe store.  So when she said the word I perked up and became little miss sunshine kiss ass.
I was given $150 for shoes to which I planned on spending Monday with my friend Kate.

Sunday came.
Monster needed a coupon for future shopping and had me look it up on the store website.  She requested I get this coupon for her.  I went along with her excitement over this 10% off coupon until the end when I looked at her and said,
"Great...so would you like me to forward this to your email at work so you can print it?"
"What do you mean?  You can't?"
"If I was Harry Potter I'm sure I could, but last time I checked I didn't have a printer."

My plan succeeded.  The next words out of her mouth were "Take $100 and get a printer. I saw them for sale at Walmart."
Shoes and new technology.
Now of course this blessing of money came with the usual confusion of I can get shoes, but I can't spend it all.
 
Monday is here!
I meet Kate at her house and we go shopping crazy!
Bob's, Payless, Walmart, Five Guys Burgers for lunch.
I get home a little bit before the monster and spread my bounty out on my bed.  7 pairs of shoes and a deskjet wireless HP printer I bought for $56.
The deals I got were amazing.
I came home with with a little under $50.
The monster comes upstairs, stops at my door, and gawks at the items on my bed.
She is in awe.  Things come out of her mouth like..."I can't believe it."
"You actually bargain shopped."
"I actually have to give you credit."
But of course, she has to throw in, "I guess this was just a lucky day for you."
No, not lucky, it's called maturity and shopping savvy.  Something she doesn't think I have or ever had.
I guess I'll just have to take my small victories as they come to me.

The Battle at Swollen Throat

When your sick it usually helps to relax, get some rest, take some meds, etc.  When living in the cave none of this is really possible.
I went to the doctor for my yearly prodding last Monday.  The vi had made a huge spectacle of my throat looking swollen the night before so I asked the Doc to check it.  My thyroid was a little swollen, but no real concern.
Wrong.
For the next 2 days I felt like I had joined the circus and decided to swallow glass for a living.
So much pain from such a small space.  Tuesday was bad, Wednesday was worse.
I woke up at 8am, actually I was forced awake by the pain, had to run hysterically crying to my Nana's downstairs and have her go to the store and get me meds.
I slept all day, both days.  Whenever the urge hit me, I slept.  I couldn't at night so I had to when I could.
Finally the pain stopped, but the voice left.  I told both parents that I did not want to talk since it hurt and I wanted to rest my voice so it would come back.
Yea, this plan didn't work for them.  All though they had agreed it was a good one.
Every comment and question that came out of their months had to be answered verbally.  Long explanations were needed since their not exactly bright.
What is it with people...when you tell them you can't or don't want to do something...they try as hard as they can to make you do it.
Coughing fits started at night and in the mornings.  The monster has ridden my ass for days.  Apparently she has a PhD.  Who knew.
On Saturday the monster went out for the weekly shopping spree with my Nana.  She returned home with the smallest bottle of Robitussin I have ever seen.  Seriously, this is tiny.  Looked like one dose.
She told me to take some to stop my cough since I don't listen to her and I don't take care of myself.
I took the dose to shut her up and told her I have to take another one in 4 hours.  Her response...
"No I don't want that leaving the house.  It's for all of us and I don't want you taking it to work."
OK, so let me get this straight.  You get the cough meds for me, since I'm the only one sick.  You have been complaining that I don't take anything.  I have to retake it in 4 hours, yet you don't want me to take it to work so I can take it??
Anyone else as confused as I am?
So my weekend was filled with sighs, complaints, side glances, and comments every time I coughed.  I am now a closet cough-er.
I refuse to cough around her.  I can't take it.  It's a battle of wills.
Finally today I woke up and my throat was swollen again and the coughing hasn't stopped (Robitussin works my ass)
I called the Dr. again and got in within the hour.
I am now on prescription cough pills and penicillin.
Once I told the monster she was beyond thrilled.
"I can't believe it!  You actually went to the doctor.  I told you!  I'm so proud of you."
"See mom, I can take care of myself."
Snarky giggle...."Oh I don't know about that.  Oh well I can't say much cus you actually went out to the doctor.  Now did you take your medicine?"
"Yes, I told you about 3 times in the last 15 minutes." this was followed by eye roll.
"Are you sure?  You better take them.  What time did you take them?"
"I took it at 3pm.  I can't take another until tomorrow.  The penicillin is once a day."
"Oh my god! That means you have to get up at 3am to take another one! My god Melissa why did you take it so late?"  The monster has started to shake and breathe heavily in exasperation.
"Really mom?  A day is 24 hours not 12.  I'll take another when I wake up tomorrow."
"Oh god.  I don't know.  That doesn't sound right.  Oh Jesus now I'm gonna be paranoid."
"Yea, OK.  I'm going upstairs."
Peace for now...they are downstairs commenting to each other about the news.  I don't know why they even bother.  Neither one of them really understand present day and the vi is deaf.  What's the point?
I don't get it.  I don't think I ever will and I'm really happy about that.

Side note about the vi:
He is confused as to why I want HBO and Showtime on my TV.  He asked me what I watch cus every time he turns HBO on it's some naked lady.
Yea, he's not really watching normal HBO.  It's Late Night HBO On Demand.  Which I believe he has accidentally paid for without realizing it numerous times.  His excuse....I thought Late Night meant Johnny Carson.
Um, not for years vi.  Late Night to normal people means porn.
I tried to explain to him over and over again, but of course he's deaf.  I repeated myself in front of the monster.  Oh the face was priceless on her.
He finally got it at dinner when she was yelling at him (so he could hear her) that HBO is on normal TV, he doesn't need to use On Demand.
I can't wait to move the hell out.

Love and Marriage

So let me begin by saying I'm the type of girl who wants a guy that will be a mix of protective, jealous, proud, and trustful.  I want a guy that will stop another guy from making a move, but be proud to show me off.  I'm not asking for much...just to feel wanted, needed, that I'm important to someone who loves me.

Now this isn't a bash against my ex-husband by any means.  He was and is a great guy, but things went sour as alot of relationships do.  He lacked a few of the traits I like, but that's not what got to us in the end.  One of the traits he lacked was the jealous/protectiveness, no backbone so to speak; so let's call him Jello.

Jello and I met about 12 years ago.  He had a crush on me from afar and eventually it made it's way to me.  We were set up by a manager at the store we worked at.

Our relationship was up and down; admittedly I was clingy.  Not good.  

We broke up numerous times.  The longest was 8 months; only to get back together after a horrible car accident he had been in.  

After that only one more break up and then we stayed together.  

We first lived in an apartment with 5 people.  That was interesting to say the least.  

Jello and I had so many financial issues that we had to get the monster involved to help get us on a budget.  Big Mistake.  She jumped in with verve!  Knew everything about everything.
Between Jello getting upset about money he couldn't spend cus it was going into savings to monster complaining to me that Jello is going to screw me over money wise, I was at a breaking point.  

 The monster eventually got us secure enough where we could finally afford our own apartment and Jello could get me an engagement ring.

He proposed before we moved.  We were happy and all those things.  

We got our own place and it was great!

Things seemed to be moving in the right direction. I mean this is what couples are supposed to do right?  Get on board financially together, get engaged, get an apartment...good. Great.  Not so much.
Things were great for awhile.  Got a nice savings account going for both of us which we were going to combine after the wedding to get a house.
Wedding drama was horrible with the monster and vi, but we got through it.
Honeymoon time in San Francisco and Napa.
Napa was wonderful.  We rented a convertible and drove in the sun through the vineyards.  Wine tastings and great food.  I got sick and we spent a day in the hotel room.  I felt bad, but there was nothing I could do.
We moved on to San Fran.
Once there Jello checked his checking account to which all our money was in.  This included the wedding checks he had deposited before we left.
In Napa we had plenty of money, San Fran....negative $800.
He lost his mind.  Called the bank and they informed him that since my signature wasn't on the checks as well they had to remove them.  He was a mess.  Crying, screaming, snot everywhere.  I couldn't understand why he was so upset when I could easily see a solution.
When he started swearing at the guy on the phone I took the phone away from him and spoke with the banker.  I requested that the overdraft be removed as a courtesy and he agreed.  I then asked for money to be transferred from Jello's savings to his checking in the amount of the wedding checks.  The banker then stated he did not see a savings account.  I said "Yes, there is a savings.  It's about $5,000"
Banker "No, there is only the checking and a savings account that was closed a while back."
Me "We'll call you back."
I hung up the phone.
Jello was in the bathroom on the floor crying.  I walked in and calmly asked "Why is he saying there is no savings account?"
Jello then proceeded to tell me that 5 months before the wedding he started spending the money in the account on random things.  Finally after numerous warnings the bank shut down the account and the left over balance of $500 was transferred to his savings.  He then figured well since it's in my checking I'll spend it.
I was shaking, but I stayed extremely calm to the point where he was asking me to yell at him.  I didn't.
I think shock had taken over.
I asked him why he didn't tell me and his answer was that he was afraid I wouldn't marry him.  Um, yea, that is a very valid fear.
He handed me his wedding band and went into the bathroom.  I waited a bit and then followed only to find him testing the sharpness of his razor on his thumb.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"You don't need to be with me.  I'm a fuck up.  You should just leave me here and go back home"
Great, suicide always solved everything.  Ugh.
I'm too old for this shit.  I've put up with his lies about money for years.  Now, here we are stuck in California with no money on our honeymoon which is turning out to be a nightmare.  I just got married for god sake.  What am I supposed to do??
I went back to sit on the bed.  He came out a few minutes later and sat on a chair.  I made him call his parents and tell them what happened.  He was terrified, but I made him.  I didn't mess up and I sure wasn't going to fix his mess.  He called them and they deposited money into his account to get us through the rest of the trip.  I told him that I will control every penny until that money is back.  I will dominate his life until he pays that money back.  He agreed.
OK.
We get back home.  Things went as planned for awhile until I found out he was hiding money again.  Caught him hiding interest checks that came in from his Discover Card.  Who did I marry? What did I do?
Seriously?
My loss of trust for him tainted everything else.  I lost any feelings of intimacy, respect, any want of a future with him.  I stayed faithful for a year after our marriage.
In December of 2009 I reconnected with someone that I had had a crush on during my teen years.  We talked and the friendship was rekindled pretty quickly.
We finally met face to face in Feb. 2010 and had our first kiss.  Talked almost everyday after that.  He told me he loved me on Easter.  I felt a fire I never had felt before.  I still do to this day.
Now don't get me wrong, I tried to come up with ideas on how to fix my marriage, but 12 years of bullshit wears on a person.  Then to basically be slapped in the face on your honeymoon?
I wanted out.  I had done all I could do.  When your so fed up you can't even kiss your spouse, it's go time.
In July, I moved him out of "our" bedroom and into the office.  We stayed as roommates until finally in Sept. 2010 we filed for divorce.  Right after I decided to tell him about my boyfriend and he then proceeded to tell me about his girlfriend.
We lived together until November, when our lease was up, and that is when I moved into the cave.
The night before I left, Jello was supposed to stay and help me pack up a few extra things.  That didn't work out as planned.
He came home all stressed out saying he wasn't staying and needed to leave.  I told him he couldn't cus he promised to help me.  He said "Fine, what do I need to do?"
I told him what needed to be done.  He did it with speed I haven't seen in years.  Once completed he said "OK anything else?"
"No...."
"OK, I'm leaving."  He got his coat on, filled up his backpack with clothes, opened the front door and looked back at me...."It's been fun."  and off he went to spend the night with his girlfriend.
It's been fun??  After 12 years...it's been fun? Are you kidding me?
I cried so hard my friend Cindi, who was there for support, had to hold me to fall asleep.
Well, moving day came and I went from sad to pissed.  With some friendly provoking I allowed a friend to take Jello's TV trays, I emptied the last of his Patron into a water bottle and refilled the Patron bottle with water, and then to top it off I took the last wedding photo we had out, put a sticky note over his face that said "it's been fun" and put that picture smack in the middle of the empty living room.
I've only seen Jello once since I moved out.  He said he had been angry about how I left.
How I left?
I quickly reminded him about his lovely walk out and he didn't remember ever doing or saying what he did.
Yea, OK.  I know you have short term memory loss from the car accident, but you don't just say something like that and not remember.  I call shenanigans.
So here I am.  Sitting in the cave.  I don't regret my decision.  I am a little sad that 12 years of knowing each other, of friendship, is now gone.
But, I know he's happy and that makes me happy.